difficult child is having issues.

[Jody]

I am so disappointed and frustrated with difficult child right now. I almost feel bad even typing this but, it's starting to get to me again. I just bought a new mobile home and I should be excited to go home everyday and yet, I'm not. One reason difficult child is there and she is behaving terribly. She curses whenever she wants to, and tells me to go F myself and that I am ugly and a control freak. Just hurtful stuff, but then again, she used to say it all the time, so it's not as hurtful as it was in the beginning. I see where I have been gong wrong, not being strict enough. I need to change that, but she's good at changing for a moment to get what she wants and then as soon as she does its F- U again.

I told her this morning to bring a box to the car so we could fill it with the stuff from the old place and she yelled out the door, what F box are you talking about. I am not doing that. It was awful, I was cutting her some slack, because of all of the changes and she has been working hard to help get us moved. But I am going to sit her down tonight and tell her I am not paying her cell phone bill. Something that she really does need while out there trying to catch buses and stuff, but it's the thing that will get to her the most.

Yesterday we found her dog a new home. I just had no desire to take care of that dog all the time. I told her when we got Nyla that she was her responsiblity and I meant it. Nyla was just spending too much time in her crate and she was whining and carrying on. difficult child knew it was for the best and was okay with it. She's tired of taking care of her for one thing. This lady is home all day and is a foster mom, so there are a lot of people around to help with her. difficult child will continue to get to see her also which was a strong point for her adopting her out.

I know what I need to do, why is it so hard for me to play Barney Bad when I have to? She's spoiled for one thing. That is my doing lately. Now I get to have the fun of undoing it. Yuck. Just needed to sound off I guess and get myself prepared for the battle that is about to come.

 

[JJJ]

((hugs)) I think we all get sucked into the temporary good act because it is so exhausting to be the warden all the time.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It is so hurtful when they talk like that - it's shocking, really, no matter how many times you've heard it.

Stay strong, Jody.

 

[TerryJ2]

Argh. I hear you!
It is exhausting and disheartening. It is constant.
Good for you for rehoming Nyla!
And good for you for turning off the phone until your daughter's behavior improves.
Stand strong, Warrior Mom.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Jody, remember that you are in the process of moving.
And moving just happens to be very high on the list of stressful life events.
And, of course, difficult child kids do NOT handle stress, or change, very well to begin with.

{{hugs}}

 

[buddy]

I feel so defeated when called terrible names.
And, I have refused rewards ....it just has made things worse. I think if the answer was simply that we should be tougher most of our kids would be ok. NOT saying to condone poor behavior with priveleges and no natural consequences...just validating that it's probably not all on you and your parenting style. I know plenty of kids of great privilege that would never call their parents such awful names.
I'm feeling discouraged lately even though it's so much better, I just am taking it more personally I think. My head knows better but it hurts emotionally to have it go on and on. I really feel for you. Sorry....and big hug.

 

[Jody]

Thanks everyone. I know I am a good parent, and I know what needs to be done, but its just not fun doing it, lol, not at all. It's about to get rough for a moment and I would rather retreat to my bedroom as I did before, but then I got really sick mental health wise and physically sick because of everything that I was going thru. Moving is stressful, and I have cut her some slack, but seriously the mouth. I am just so not dealing with that at all. I mean it I put my foot down when she was hitting me and doing all of this stuff before and she went into fostercare. I don't want this to happen. She's nice to other people and doesn't **** on them. It's just me. Ugh She had been doing so well.

 

[cubsgirl]

I can totally understand your hurt and frustration. Moving is difficult enough without difficult child's going into full difficult child mode (which they can do easily). You are doing a great job and congratulations on your new home. I'm glad difficult child was showing some sign of maturity by agreeing to let the dog be adopted out.

 

[Jody]

Wheres the like button disappear too sometimes, does anyone know? I just got off the phone with Verizon and they allow you twice a year to suspend your phone service for 90 days each time. I suspended hers for 30 days, now I don't have to pay for it and she can show me she deserves it by behaving more than just okay for a few days. She better not put a whole thru my new mobile home walls. She will be arrested if she does.

 

[susiestar]

Sweetie, you really need to change your perspective. While parenting is often a drudging, thankless, iirritating vocation, and as Warrior Moms we see more than our share of those and more, it is not a case of "Barney Bad" and "Frank Fun". It is a long term project.

Making your child follow the rules is not being mean. I don't give one dang bit of koi about what difficult child says. Yes, it IS hurtful. But only if you ALLOW it to hurt you. It is harder to prevent or stop the hurt when your chld says this, but as the adult, well, you have to get over it.

One thing that difficult children need almost more than ANYTHING else is consistency. The rules are the rules here, and there, and there, and over here, and even way into that other area.

Moving is one of the most stressful life experiences a normal person can have. Your age does NOT change that. As a child, the stress is magnified more than we could count when the rules are not held steady. The more consiistent the rules, the better off any child will be, ESPECIALLY during a move or other major stressor. It is hard, and been there done that with you, but if you want to stop being "Barney Bad', give her a set of rules and consequences that binds BOTH OF YOU.

It is hard work to discipline a child, esp a difficult child. We get exhausted, frustrated and all of our copings have long been lost when that is combined with nothing, or with a major stressor. I am NOT saying this is just you. MANY of us have had to learn this. If you do the hard work, you have a chance of really helping her. with-o that consistency where the rules are the rules and there are no exceptions, you are constantly seen as 'forcing her" and 'manipulating her" in her mind. She has some idea of the rules and consequences, but she has no clue when you are going to ignore them, enforce them to the farthest harshest degree, set a consequence that will be ignored in a day or two, or take her out for ice cream and candy for dinner.

One of the things that a written set of rules does is that it makes US, the PARENTS, have to stick to some behavioral guidelines. If you won't stick to your part of the rules, it will be long after we have been run over by petite purple plaid people from Pluto before she will grasp that she must stick to those rules also, or else every single time you are going to do what you said you would.

I am often confused by the attitude that our kids should be happy with us, or that we should try to keep them happy or be their friend. Happy is fleeting, friends come and go no matter how much we promise to be bffs for life, but parents? For the most part, parents are the ones who clean up when you get sick all over the floor, make you eat your veggies, make you go to bed, and do all sorts of other "mean" stuff.

That 'mean stuff', aka rules and consequences, is an incredible, loving blessing, truly a GIFT to your child. Why? You are teaching her to cope iwth life. You are not allowing her to get away with things just because she wants to. You are truly being a loving parent when you stick to the rules and consequences. Who else would care enough to deal with all the nonsense and ugliness and STILL try to help so that your child will have a bright, successful future as a contributing member of society.

Regardless of the diagnosis, many of our difficult children do incredibly well in structured settings where they know what will happen and when it wll happen. When left to their own choices, they fall apart. It is, in my opinion, a sign that they still NEED those limits and boundares.

When I was in college, I read a study about fences effects on children's behavior at schools. This didn't look at one child's behavior, but rather on the behavior of entire groups of children.

During the experiment, they took down the playground fences. ALL other things remained constant from the times the kids went out to play, to the placement of the toys and jungle gyms and swings.

What do you think the children did when they went out to play with no fences? Did their behavior change or stay the same? How did it change?

The students did the unexpected. With no fences, they didn't go to the play areas at the edge of the property. they stayed in the center of the playground for the entire recess for the entire time the fences were down. I don't remember how long the fences were down, but I do remember that more than a few parents reported nightmares that were not previously an issue, and others dealt with a lot of behavior problems, as did the teachers in school.

When the fences were put back, the kids again started playing with the toys at the edge of the playground, and the behavioral problems tapered off.

So how do you think this would apply to difficult child and yourself?

I know when I realized I was very guilty at not following through all the time, I sat the kids down and apologized. they were little, and thought I was nuts. I apologized for not sticking to the rules and giving them clear boundaries and consequences, good and bad. This may not be the right thing to do wth your daughter, but maybe if you sit down and tell her that you dropped the ball, but from now on the rules are the rules and they are binding on you too, even when you would rather be doing anything else in the world. If you need to adjust a rule and/or consequence, that is your privilege, regardless of how she fusses. You have to follow the rules, but you also can add to them when needed, and relax them when earned. You must make a policy change though, and NOT EVER a temporary reprieve where it is okay today but if you do it tomorrow it is wrong, but the day after that? I don't know yet.

When you change a rule, put it in writing, even if it is somewhere she cannot see it. Remember that we are here for you and we believe you can do it. It will take practice and if you are like me, you will make about a jillion mistakes. So you are in company, even if mine isn't always the best.

You should probably read Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend as it might help you with this. If you need backup, get a therapist or psychiatrist to help you, or call the police to come help you out.

When you are enforcing the rules and making difficult child either behavor or deal with consequences, you are NOT EVER "Barney Bad". You are Just Right Jody.

As far as the rule changes, it is a parent's prerogative as long as it is clearly established the first time. Even if a difficult child or easy child or typical teen says it isn't fair/right/blah blah blah. We don't make them arbitrarily to make our kdis miserable, but we don't have to get stuck in an untenable stuation either.

 

[Jody]

Thank you Susie. Some very good stuff in your post, that I am definately going to use and thank you for turning it around for me. You definately helped me. I appreciate it.

 

[Jody]

oh the con artist called. She said Mom this morning was real messed up and I am sorry. I told her we would sit down and talk about it tonight.

 

[TerryJ2]

Ahh, the con artist. Already?
Stay strong!


I agree with-this: As far as the rule changes, it is a parent's prerogative as long as it is clearly established the first time. Even if a difficult child or easy child or typical teen says it isn't fair/right/blah blah blah. We don't make them arbitrarily to make our kdis miserable, but we don't have to get stuck in an untenable stuation either.