difficult child or easy child?

[bonkers]

My difficult child has now been living with us for almost a year and a half.. He goes through some seriously bad stuff, usually lasting about a month and a 1/2 - non-stop (GARRRRRR)however the last one lasted for 6 months (after bio-grandmother visit, BGM told my boy because he was adopted he would just have to wait until he was 18 to move in with her...) I did not find out until MUCH later this was said, but after I found out, sooo much of those 6 months suddenly made sense (she made him feel we were temporary - sparking off the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) behaviors Violence, anger etc...)! OK so he gets it all out of his system and until the next Bio-Family induced episode (not purposeful, Just his reactions and inability to understand). During the good times, all the "problems" are very normal to be expected 7yold stuff.. Is this normal?

As and FYI, we have fully cut all contact with BGM - as this was not the only issue, she unfortunalty seems to have impulse control issues and does not seem to have the ability to sensor herself and does not have an understanding of how her words and actions effect difficult child - unfortunatly the fall out is more then we can handle... We are on good terms with Bio-Grand dad, but we are currenlty holding all visits for at least a year, as we SERIOUSLY need good time together without bio family mudding the water.. Bio Grand Father is able to send letters to PO box though.. We screen them before we read them to difficult child...

Any thoughts would be GREAT...

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #333399"> i think you've done the only thing you could have with-the visits being so disruptive. hope difficult child can settle down & start to feel more secure with-you.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[dirobb]

bonkers,

good luck with your family. I understand having to stop visitation.

my difficult child sd15 came to live with us and does not have contact (but does have limited phone contact)with her biomom, our difficult child ss13 also came to live with us and visits his biomon regularly. It has been brought to light during our therapy sessions that this is creating a lot of problems for him. He is in the similar situation as you difficult child in that his biomom says things that affect him terribly and we suffer for several days after a visit. This got us to notice how well our other difficult child has come along without that outside intervention. Unfortunatly for us at this time we cannot limit his visitations. But his therapist and psychiatrist are aware and are helping with documenting any concerns.

I hope things get better for all of you.

 

[Sheila]

I've dealt with this issue for years. It's a difficult one.

How we handled it: Only supervised visitation allowed, and only in a public place. Ground rules are: Try messing with his head and we are out-of-there -- no "second chances."

Additionally, difficult child has full control regarding contact with birthmom, e.g., if he wants to meet with-her, we do. He names the date and time. If he doesn't want to, we don't. Biomom's "wants" carries not one-half ounce of weight in our decisions regarding contact (or anything else); it's for difficult child's benefit, not hers.

 

[timer lady]

You've done a good job. If visits, phone calls, letters, disturbs your difficult child to the point of instability it's time to put a stop to it.

difficult child needs a chance to heal, to develop trust & a sense of self & permanency.

 

[bonkers]

Thank you all!
Sheila, Visit was supervised, however she kept wispering to him, which is the reason we did not know what was said. Like I mentioned - there were several reasons we cut off contact.

He was living with us for 9 months or so prior to visit with BGM and things were going quite well, we had made a lot of progress, after we not only back slid, but saw some massivly bad stuff we had no inkling was there! He spent some time in a treatment facility for anger and agression in March (Broke our hearts!) was still a -head for quite a while after, but in the last week or two has really straightened up... Motly wondering if these periods of up and downs are normal - like to this extreame...

Again thank you all for your feedback and support!