difficult child ruins another holiday

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, Mar 20, 2008.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child has had no cell and no car since Feb 23 when we took it away due to drugs and violence in our home. Since then she's been fairly good and I was hoping she was getting back on track. Today I learned that she had her friend text her cousin who's 26 and ask him if he will get them alcohol. According to this friend he said anytime and that difficult child should call him. When I learned this by reading IM's on the computer I called my sister and asked her to call her son and find out what happened.

    The next thing I know my brother in law calls and tells me to put difficult child on and her screams at her for 10 minutes and then tells me that his son did not tell her he would get them alcohol and he was going to call difficult child and yell at her for asking. I asked why he didn't call us or at least his parents to let us know and he screamed at me that it is not his son's fault and difficult child needs to be taken out behind the house and beaten (as if that was going to cure her). So after several minutes of him yelling at me he hung up and now my sister won't talk to me, my husband said he refuses to go to church on Easter because of some sick analogy that it's all God's fault that our life is like this, and I just called easy child and told her if she had any other place to go for Easter to do it and not come home.

    I have never felt so alone in my life, my sister was the closest person to me and once again difficult child has ruined every relationship she comes in contact with.

  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh my gosh Nancy, your post just ripped my heart out... I am so sorry. I am amazed at your brother in law and your Sister for not even taking the time to speak to you... why would they not hear you out.
    Beat her??? Is that some kind of spare the rod talk...? I don't agree with that thinking at all.
    Sorry your weekend is shot, it sounds like none of them are acting like adults!!!
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I hate that they were yelling at you. Totally uncalled for, in my opinion.


  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I'm so sorry that your sister and brother in law don't understand what you are going through. It's not like you were blaming their son, you just called your sister to see if she could find out what was happening.

    Has your brother in law always been this difficult? Perhaps your sister couldn't talk to you last night rather than wouldn't. Maybe he's a tad controlling.

    Sorry husband is blaming God on these issues. Sounds like the Easter holiday will be tough at your home. I will pray for all of you.

    Sorry difficult child has once again left her footprint on your life in such a negative way. Hugs.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Your daughter is making some stupid mistakes, no question, but I'm not sure she's the one to blame for this one. She obviously needs help and, sadly, a lot of what she's doing is not the unusual for teens.

    Your sister and brother in law went over the top for a simple question. You had a right to know if their son had agreed to help your daughter get alcohol. If he had, he needed to know how wrong it was. If he hadn't, you needed to know so you could bring this up to your child's therapist and whomever else is involved. For them to start screaming at you, at her, to have your sister refuse to talk to you is on them, not you, not your child.

    Why your husband blames God for this is beyond me. I can only imagine his pain.

    Have you considered an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for your daughter? Getting her away from her friends and into a structured environment that will give her some tools to help her may be the best thing for her. It's not an easy thing to do and it can feel like you're failing your child, but it may be the only way to save her.

    I'm sorry you're hurting. Hopefully, your sister will come around. I'm sure this is hurting her, too.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry.

    I know you feel alone. Please know that you are not. We are all here for you.

  7. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    I'm so sorry. Once everyone has a chance to calm down & think it over.........hopefully your sister will come around & you guys can work something out.
  8. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Sending lots of (((((hugs))))) and ditto what Meowbunny said, my thoughts exactly.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I agree that brother in law calling and yelling was totally inappropriate. I'm shocked he would suggest beating her. I hope your sister will think things through and change her mind. I'm sorry husband is blaming God right now.

    As BBK said, you are not alone we are here for you. ((((hugs)))
  10. So Tired

    So Tired Member


    I'm so sorry -- you are working so hard to help difficult child! I wish your sister and brother in law could see this and not be so defensive! It's not like you accused your nephew, you just wanted to figure out what was going on so you could deal with it appropriately.

    As far as husband. I think everyone feels that if they could just figure out the "why" of our difficult child it would be the key to unlocking a solution. I know sometimes I wonder if my difficult child's behavior is some sort of punishment from God for past sins. (You know, just piling on more mommy guilt.) Also, maybe husband just can't face going through the motions. You know, where you have to pretend to casual aquaintances that everything is O.K. cause you don't want to ruin social occasions with your tale of woe. I know I have been tempted to skip events due to that.

    I hope everyone has a chance to cool off in the next few days. I'm sure you and your sis will make it up. Make the day fun for you in some other way. Go to the park, do a craft, call an old friend, go to a show or museum. Do something special just for you! Remember we care and we understand!
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs your way. The life we all lead just can't be "normalized"
    no matter how much we wish it could. Hope the holiday goes better
    than expected. DDD
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Huge Hugs. I agree with Meow Bunny's take on this 100%.

    I am so very sorry you are hurting.

  13. fosterparent

    fosterparent New Member

    Sorry you're going though this. I'm sure your sister will come around even if your brother in law does not for a while. Just remember, people from the outside, even close relatives look at most of our G'sFG and they "see" a "normal" "regular" person. Then when they act out it's "they need to be taken outside and beaten". I don't know how many times I've been told you're just to easy on them. Show them who's boss. Riiiiight!! These people should walk in our shoes for two days and see how they feel. Lean on me for right now as my two g'sfg were "pretty okay" today so I have a little left over strength. I may need yours tomorrow.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, Nancy. You're not alone. I hope that you will go to church on Easter and celebrate your faith. If anyone wants to go with you, great. If not, they can celebrate their misery, if that's what they choose to do.

    I'm a long fallen angel, in that I don't practice any prescribed/organized religion. But I do believe that God can provide us with guidance, and that everyone who knows what God has to say has the free will to listen or not.

    I'm sorry that your husband is feeling lost in his faith.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I haven't been around for a little bit. i'm sorry i'm late to this. i'm so sorry to hear what happened.

    maybe with some time and a cooling off period things can get back to normal. i hope you are doing ok sorry you had to go through that.

  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I am so very sorry. I am NOT sure if I would tell your easy child not to come home for Easter, if (and only if) that is what she wants to do. Perhaps the three of you could go to a restaurant somewhere and you could drop off difficult child at a "friend's" home. When things calm down, I would do your very best to make up with your sister. I don't believe you will stand up for difficult child when she is making such bad choices...you might tell your sister this. It is very hard for "outsiders" to understand. Does she know of the anguish you and husband have gone through? Again, I'm very sorry. I do hope that things get better soon.....by the way, believe me I understand...been there done that.
  17. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    I'm so sorry things are so down right now, Nancy. Hopefully as others said they will come around, after they have time to think about it.

    Sending hugs your way,
  18. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, I can imagine how alone you feel.
    I'm not sure why your sister or b i l are mad at you? If their son isn't involved then it isn't nephew's fault but it isn't yours either. Why are they punishing you for the escapades of your daughter?
    Maybe they are afraid that your daughter is going to **** their son into the dark side?
    I sometimes get the feeling that people don't want their children to interact with mine as if they are infected and contagious.
    I hope your sister cools off and calls you. You need her more now than ever.

    I can understand some of husband's anger and resentment. been there done that. I'm sure he will work it through and his faith will return.
    In the meantime you are stuck without anyone but an unruly child. I don't have much in the way of suggestions. All I can say is you have my sympathy. It's a cold and lonely place to be.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes it sure is cold and lonely here Fran.

    I sent my sister an email explaining I wasn't blaming my nephew, just trying to find out if he agreed to buy them alcohol. She responded and said yes he agreed but he wasn't sure who it was who texted him and when he found out it was difficult child he never would have gone through with it. Nephew is a bit of a difficult child himself. but he's now 26 and is doing well. But difficult child thinks he is cool and will help her get alcohol, at least I guess she did think. It will take a while for things to work out between me and my sister. brother in law said some really hateful things to difficult child and while I don't deny she caused that, he is responsible for his words. I'm not sure what kind of relationship we will have after this but it won't be the same. difficult child of course hates him and won't have anything to do with them. I think brother in law is just tired of dealing with our difficult child issues and wants to be left alone.

    In the midst of all this difficult child wrote her bm a letter. Of course I knew she would do that. I finally told her she has 14 months to go and then I will locate her bm for her and it will be her choice whether she continues a relationship with us or not. For almost 17 years the effort has been one sided with her. The time is fast approaching when it will shift. I hope bm understands that difficult child will need a lot of support to enter the adult world and is willing to take that on.