difficult child Total Freakout

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mama2lexxie, Jun 21, 2008.

  1. mama2lexxie

    mama2lexxie New Member

    OMG - today has been awful and my head is pounding!
    She is totally out of control because I told her she could not attend a friend's birthday party because she was not behaving.
    She has been screaming, crying, pounding on the door {I locked myself in the bathroom for a couple of minutes} She just brought me a note that says: "You don't love me anymore but I love you very much." She says I don't act like I love her because I won't let her go to the party.

    Let me ask ya'll this, what behavior would suggest a trip to the ER is in order? Now, know that the local hospital does not have a psychiatric unit, they do have a Mental Health dept. People who are kept for a pysch evaluation are sent about an hour away to a psychiatric hospital {adults anyway} I do not know about children.

    Thanks so much, I just feel a bit better getting it out.
  2. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    I wouldn't bother. If your kid is like mine, by the time you get there she'll be calm and there isn't anything for anyone to see or respond to. When you go to the ER, like when you call the police, you should have some idea about what you expect is going to happen and how logical those expectations are. ER doctors treat emergencies. If there is no emergency, they have nothing to treat. All you'll get out of it is a bill.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    In order for them to admit her, she must be a danger to herself or others. Yelling, screaming, pounding on doors, etc.... do not qualify. If you feel she really needs a psychiatric hospital admittance, you need to call the psychiatrist who is treating her.
  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    "Imminent danger to herself or others," at that.
  5. mama2lexxie

    mama2lexxie New Member

    Great thanks! I was just kind of thinking as a last resort. I cannot take those episodes much longer.
    Of course you are right, she is calm and happy as a clam right now.

    I know it defeats the purpose of punishing her but I need a break. She did not go to the party but I am letting her spend the night with my mom & step-dad. I guess I justify it by saying that her punishment was to not go to the party not she cannot do anything. Oh well makes sense to me and I get a break.
    My poor baby was upstairs thankfully, but he could hear everything and was not a happy camper. He is napping now. Poor thing!

    Thanks again, I appreciate the advice!
  6. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    Maybe you should to rethink your expectations of how a six year old is going to behave when there's a birthday party to go to in the near future. Especially if she doesn't get invited to many parites, she may be just beside herself with excitement and unable to container herself. The excitement and anticipation can become stressful and our kids don't do well with stress. Keeping the hours before the party as low stress as possible may help her keep her behavior acceptable and enable you to let her go to the party.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I must say Angela, I think Sara has a point. If your daughter is a challenging child, holidays, parties, end of the school year, unexpected changes in her schedule, etc., an cause meltdowns, hyperactivity, and acting out.

    Being invited to a birthday party is a huge thing for many of our difficult children. Many don't get invited to other people's homes because of their behavior and/or because they have social issues that prevent them for making or maintaining friendships. I would only deny a child as young as your daughter a chance of social activity for a serious infraction of your rules or you honestly don't believe she will be able to succeed.

    I don't think you did the wrong thing by allowing her to go to your mother's house for the night. Not attending the party was her punishment.

    An extremely wise woman told me, when I was struggling with my difficult child at age 7 and things were very dark, that I should never withold anything that resembled love or friendship since they were essential to his building self awareness. Looking back, I realize that those things were very important to bringing him out of the toughest times.

    Enjoy the peace and quiet at your house!!

  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with Sara and SW. I was like you, thinking that if I threatened she couldn't do something special if she didn't behave, she would behave. My poor baby would try to behave but she was so excited, she couldn't. Since I knew I had to be consistent and keep my word, I wouldn't let her do X. Of course she had a major meltdown. Looking back, I would have given anything if someone had told me to NOT do that.

    I did learn but it took me a few years, so my little one missed out on some special occasions because of my stupidity and ego. I didn't understand that she couldn't behave. She was too excited, happy. What I finally did was let her watch a favorite movie for an hour or two before the event. This helped calm her enough so she could go. I would go with her to wherever she was going and stay in the background. If I saw she was getting too loud and rambunctious, I would simply tug my ear (our signal) and it would help get her down a notch or two. If she didn't see me, a simple tap on the shoulder, a quick wink and an ear tug would usually work. If they didn't, then it was time to go home. Not to punish her but because she had reached a point where she would no longer be welcome if she continued in her behavior.

    Please don't make my mistake. Let your little one socialize as much as possible. Find any other consequence than taking away parties, special school field trips, holidays, etc. Believe me, if our kids could behave, they would. Find something that will keep yours occupied in a quiet manner before an event (or don't tell her about the event until it is time to get ready).

    As to her raging when the party was taken away, I can understand it. Imagine if you were looking forward to something. I don't mean just this will be fun looking forward to it, but a yippee!!! this is gonna be a ball looking forward to it. All of a sudden someone tells you you can't go because you were speeding to get home to get ready for this event. You'd be angry, want to rage, cry, scream. Well, at 6, you're going to be just as angry and really not have the ability to not rage, cry, scream. You haven't learned to control your emotions fully at age 6. No 6 year old has and unless already beaten into submission. She behaved as a 6 year old would, even a "normal" child.

    As to sending her to your mother's, great idea. It gives you two a break (something that is always a good thing when things are tense), let's her have some fun and spoiling time, gives you a chance to recharge.

    As I said, I've been in your shoes. I'm not criticizing your parenting. I just know how much I regret taking the few (2) birthday parties mine as invited to at ages 4-8 away from her. How much I'm sorry for the amusement park trip she didn't get. The Halloween that was taken away for bad behavior. She's 21 now and I still regret those events. If I could do it over, I would have let her got to all of these no matter what she did. The punishment really didn't fit the crime even though I thought it did at the time. Please don't make my mistakes. There are enough regrets and pain for us and our children without adding to them if we can avoid it.

    Many hugs. I know your frustration and pain.
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I understand and can relate with all opinions on this one. I think it's a matter of choosing your battles, and I am not sure what kind of "behavior" she was exhibiting prior to the party. If my difficult child II was raging and violent, I would not let him go, but if he was just off the wall and non compliant, I might have to let it slide and hope for the best at the party.

    It's a tough one. But I agree about the trip to the ER, unless she's suicidle or homicidle, don't bother, and even then there's no guarentees if they're well behaved once you're there. I have a MP3 player I pop on my head and lock myself in the bathroom with a magazine. LOL eventually they wear themselves out.
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sorry you had to weather this storm. I agree with what others have said. An ER trip will not offer you much help and can be very tramatic for both difficult child and you!

    A birthday party is a big deal for a kid and so losing it as a consequence in turns provokes a big reaction. You said it so you had to stick with it but in the future you may want to ask if it does more harm than good (although I don't know the behaviors that led up to your decision).
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    All that can be said has been said. I hope your difficult child has more opportunities for birthday parties & other outings.

    Our babies crave friends & a social outlet. It's so hard to watch them try so hard. For the first few years after kt & wm were placed here I would have the kids in the neighborhood in our fenced yard & supervise all the antics. We had the obligatory swingset, sandbox & basketball hoop. I supplied kool aid, popcorn & cookies.

    I also supplied structure & would shut the play time down when I saw kt or wm beginning to lose it. I did it very diplomatically so no one was to blame except "mom is tired now" or "I have errands to run now - you all have to leave" type of excuse. The tweedles would come in & watch tv & begin to settle again.

    It really helped having a yard that we could have the kids come to & to be the parent "in charge" so to speak.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mama2lexxie, I agree that allowing her to go to Gma's house is a good thing. That was not the punishment - so no guilt, K?

    I also took away a few things from my difficult child in the hopes for better behavior. It is, afterall, what works with many children. It does not seem to work with many difficult children though.

    I took away trick or treating one year. It aboslutely broke my heart. Hers, too. She still talks about it at 17 years old! Her father threatened no birthday party if.... and the 'if' did not happen so she got no birthday party. This for a socially challenged child is not good.

    She really, truly could not help her behavior. People do not seem to understand that. Well, people that do not have a difficult child in their lives.

    Anyway, I just wanted to give you some real life examples for you to noodle on.
  13. reallytrying

    reallytrying New Member

    This sounds soooo familiar! I too,have a 6yr old that does these things :)
    I have kept her home from several birthday parties and events due to her behavior, but it doesn't seem to help. Since she's ODD, if I tell her that "if you don't stop ____, you will stay home from the party" or even the more positive "if you want to go to the party, you will do___", she absolutely has to do what I don't want her to!

    It's not just that I worry about her behavior at the party, it's also that I am too tired to go through the stress of monitoring her at the party--and there is no way I would let her go without me! So, when the tantrum arrives, I put her in her room and hold the door shut until she calms down. You just have to hang in there and and know that you are in control--even if it means not controlling her and just being in control of yourself :)

    Sometimes when I try to remind my difficult child why she's missing out on something, she will say "blah,blah,blah" which really make me angry--but I have to remember that's what she's trying to do. I've gotten the notes as well (I don't love you...I'm feeling left out...I'm going away). How on earth does a 6 yr old know how to hurt her parent like that???

    Lately, I've been using early bedtime and taking items away that "are causing the stress" and so far it's been the easiest to enforce.

    Hugs and peace to you, I know it's hard.
    It really helps to know that others endure similar issues-this is a great place to visit!
  14. Christy

    Christy New Member

    This is one of the hardest things about raising a difficult child. I hate that I need to be constantly on guard. At a party, it is impossible to engage in a conversation with an adult, eat or drink something, sit down, etc...

    Linda, I do the same thing. I host any playdates in my backyard so I can monitor the situation and TRY to avoid a meltdown.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    been there done that. Sounds so familiar! Glad it's over now and you both get a break.
    You've gotten some great advice here.
  16. mama2lexxie

    mama2lexxie New Member

    Thanks for all the great advice. I am sorry I haven't been around.
    I was sick a lot of last week.
    I am just so tired and feel like everything is so hard and I know that some difficult child are much more work than mine.

    Thanks again!!
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey, it doesn't matter that "some difficult children are much more work than mine" - we ALL know each child is different and support you!! This isn't a place where we rank our difficult children by difficulty and givesupport, friendship and advice based on that!!!

    I am sorry you have been sick - it makes everything much worse, esp difficult children because they know when we are weak!

    I agree with meowbunny mostly. But each of us has to judge individually how well our kids are actually ABLE to behave to our standards. I always remember Sara PA's advice about seizures and the child having NO control over behavior during a seizure. Esp since my Jess has been diagnosis'ed with epilepsy.

    Sending difficult child to your mom's was great! It kept the consequence but let her have the emotionally rewarding time with the Gparents.