Difficult child with possible Borderline (BPD)/self harm

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by WiseChoices, Aug 3, 2019.

  1. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    But then we tried to set boundaries and Kay told us she would rather be homeless than go for any type of therapy. And she clearly means it by how she is behaving and has behaved. It was her father and I who couldn't bear for her to be homeless so we didn't allow it. Kay would have done it rather than go into residential or even see a therapist.

    Sometimes even our toughest bargaining doesn't work at all. Have you ever actually been able to threaten your child into going into residential or to work or to live a conventional life? If so I would like to know how you did it. Nothing worked for us,not even threatening to stop helping with her homes or apartments or cars.

    My daughter needs to win. It means more to her to not do what we want than to risk giving up a comfortable life. From reading here, it seems most of them are like Kay. Nobody except RN has managed to scare their child straight. Homelessness doesn't scare them enough to comply with our wishes. So what does? I am very open to all suggestions.

    Maybe there is something i haven't tried yet.

    Thanks for speaking up. Today is a hard day for me. Not sure why.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There are a couple more in the past few years that don't post.

    I would not put it "scared them" straight. I would put it, left them with no good option...made the guard rails very high, and applied electric voltage prods to motivate. AKA strong support to do the right thing. Kind of like a family intervention.

    It does not mean it will work. It's more from the concept, leaving no stone unturned. We do it as much or more for ourselves. Like you did with Kay. Busy. I wonder if you would have been ready for this site, and Al Anon, had you not fought so hard for Kay. I wonder if due to who you are, and who your husband is, you had to fight with all you've got. And having done so, you were able to accept your powerlessness.
  3. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Copa, thank you for your input and straight up talk. I have had similar thoughts already. The behavior is an addiction and I would not allow drug addiction in my home, so why am I allowing this to go on? She was clean 2 months before this episode, and I think she is doing ok again right now, but I know this will happen again unless she gets some help.

    I feel my spirituality slipping, can't sleep at night, this situation is making me sick, which is a red flag that something has to change .

    You gave me more to think about. Listening to some YouTube experts on Borderline (BPD), like Marsha Linehan who invented DBT , the concensus seemed to be that inpatient treatment makes things worse in a lot of cases. So, I am torn, and I also acknowledge my inertia which is enabling.
  4. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    So this morning the depression seems over with (at least the deep despair kind that makes her want to cut) and she is feisty again .Good ! I asked about the job applications she had out and mentioned that she could get a vehicle if she had a job. She said she knew that and wanted that and she was in charge of her life. I told her it's my job to see her into independence, so I would be checking on progress every now and then. I said Aldi was hiring. She speaks to me very sternly like she is the parent " I don't want to talk about a job today, ok? PLEASE respect that". The tone made me smile like she thinks she is in charge of me. I didn't respond. So she goes on " I didn't do anything wrong, so I won't apologize ." Still silence from me ." And you seem to have some feelings about this , so I will let you work through that" . Still, silence from me.

    She then started chatting normally as if nothing had happened. But in the course of 1 hour asked me 3 times if I was ok. I assured her I was .

    These episodes of depression and cutting seem to be very cyclical.
  5. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    You know, Busy, it is possible that your daughter knew they were just empty threats which is why she didnt take it seriously. In Al- Anon we talk about not making threats we don't intend to follow through on. I will try to be tougher and not give in on anything .
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    She may have. I agree that we need to mean it. That includes you so good luck and God bless. These kids have the ability to destroy us on a very deep level. Don't let that happen please.
  7. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Yeah, I am fighting for myself. I can see how she is wrapping me up in her control again, and I need to move out of that and focus on me .