Do others do this?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Mar 14, 2013.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ok my relationship with difficult child is so fragile that after an interaction I sometimes disect it in my head to death and ruminate over it..... which doesnt help anyone especially me. I just called my difficult child about a practical matter I am trying to help with.... that part was fine. He did answer the phone... and then I asked him about something and he was fine and everything but I just ended up feeling like I should have kept my mouth shut.... probably should have... and then I go to this place where somehow I think than if I said something wrong it is going to send him into a relapse.....

    Now really that is kind of ridiculous if I look at it logically....first of all I didnt say anything of real importance, and second it is not my relapse to create or avoid.

    I guess it is hard having him far away and to continually wonder how he is really doing!! I am sure normal people go through this with their young adult sons.... but it just feels so amplified with a difficult child because I feel so clueless about so much.

    In reality I think he is doing pretty well.... seems to be gettting through stuff, is still at the sober house which means he is most likely sober because at this place they are very clued in and i dont think he would get away with using for long.

    I think I need to go distract myself.

  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Yes you do!!

    But, yes I do the same thing. I remember when difficult child was in recovery, I think my anxiety was even more amplified because I really really wanted her sober and to succeed. I had my whole heart invested in it. With her being active in her addiction, I try to detach as much as possible, so I am not thinking about it so much.

    It just never, ever ends....
  3. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    My difficult child does not have a substance abuse problem, but, I constantly ruminate over our interactions. I always worry if I say the wrong thing it will set her off. Or if I say the wrong thing she will start cutting again, or become anxious etc. I am working very hard at not blaming myself for her issues. Replaying everything in my head just makes me more upset. Trying very very hard to let go, and remind myself that these are her issues.
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You have gone through so much worrying, especially lately when difficult child was on the streets, that I can really understand how terrifying it must be to worry that any innocent but misconstrued phrase or expression would be enough to strain your relationship and contribute to his relapse.
    Thinking back to our worst times with difficult child at the height of his abuse, and the crazy shouting and blame hurled my way over and over again really made me think that it must to some degree have something to do with me and the things I have said. I personally think it's because I always found difficult child's stash and never wasted any time confronting him. His rages were part show just to scare and manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wanted. Interestingly, difficult child never freaked out with any one-on-one confrontation with husband. Now that things are better between difficult child and me, I feel I must be extra vigilant at watching my "Ps and Qs" for fear that the tenuous relationship may rupture.
    That is an excellent question also for your Al Anon group - I bet 99% of parents with SA children experience this - I know I do.
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling all too well - and my relationship with my difficult child haven't even been fragile in some time. There has been more strained times but currently we are in rather strong footing. But I think a lot what and how I say things to him. And at times worry after our calls, that I said something too little or too much or wrong way and that would cause him to get upset and blaah, blaah, blaah.

    I do have a point in there. Words can hurt. Especially words from people who are close to you. My kid is sensitive in his own way and quite labile. His thought process is unique (well, everyone's is but he takes it little further) and he is prone to understand thing unconventionally and he is certainly a dramaqueen. The whelp can concoct drama out changed picture in milk cartoon when he puts his mind into it. He can certainly get himself worked up over something I say. And you never know, when he is looking a reason to have his next real princess and a pea-episode and get stuck to something he would in any other day not even think twice. If it would be all made up drama for dramatics sake, I wouldn't worry, but it isn't. For him, when it is happening and even some time afterwards, it is very real and very big. He is able to put it into a perspective and laugh for himself later, but it takes some time. May take weeks if it is over something important even if it is not really real. I mean, if it is over something trivial and with little emotional importance, he is able to think it out quite quickly. But if it is over something that would be big if it weren't just his flawed perception, it takes him more time to think it out again and see it from more objective angle, because until he can do that, it is real to him and he gets anxious over it and gets more dramatic and less able to analyse. And I really don't want to send him to that vicious circle.

    I'm quite careful what and how I talk to him especially when he is having more difficult time, but still at times I do second guess myself over something I said. It's easier when I can talk with him in person. Then it is easier to see how much, when and which way I can say something.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I worry constantly what I say to Cory now especially now that he is halfway across the country in El Paso. He has always lived just a few miles from me at most. Now we are just praying all this goes well.
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I do this too. With difficult child in prison, I do not want to set him off for fear he will end up in solitary or get hurt in a fight with someone. I try so hard to not get emotional when I talk to him that I sound strangely flat. Then I worry over that too. I guess we have to learn to accept that sometimes we will get it wrong... but then sometimes we get it right too. -RM