Do Relatives have brains before they open their mouth?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Critter Lover, Dec 9, 2008.

  1. Critter Lover

    Critter Lover New Member

    husband's sister was telling their Aunt from their father's side about the problems we were having with our difficult child and getting him in to his own place with a support staff. His sister even told her about the explosive violent tempers he was getting.

    This is the comment that came out of her mouth

    "If they would have spent more time with him then he would not have turned out that way. He does not need to be on medications but
    they just need to spend more time with him."

    We have done nothing but support my son with whatever he wanted to do and was always there taking him to appointments and fighting
    the schools when they were not looking after my son's best interest.

    If I ever see this Aunt again, I will have to fight the urge to b*tch slap her on the spot. husband said "Wait till I talk to her again.....we will not have much of a relationship once I get done with her but then again....who cares!:mad:
  2. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Oh yes I have a similar situation with my sister in law DHs sis.

    She keeps asking me when I might be thinking of taking up meaningful employment,

    Last week when I was telling her about my 18yr olds Christmas job she replied.....Listening to all this..why do YOU NEVER GET THE URGE TO AT LEAST DO A FEW HOURS WORK ESP AT CHRISTMAS.....YOU ARE HARDLY THAT RICH!

    At the moment I am trying to work through newly presc medication for my son and his behaviour problems. This has gone on over 3 almost 4 yrs

    i am briought to my knees when this happens and cant even leave him alone for he messes when he is like this.

    Unless people experience our difficulties at first hand they havent got a clue.

    I wont spell it our for her, she should know better as should yours
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Obviously she didn't use a brain before engaging her mouth! I'm sorry you had to deal with that-I'd be steaming!
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I"m sorry i feel your pain I soo do. I've been there also, I'm still there actually with some family members.

    The slap part I gotta' admit I was laughing. :) I've invisioned the same thing with more than one family member.

    Remember it's easier for them to blame us the parent, than to open their mind to understand the rather grey areas of mental illness. Their just ignorant, you are not.

    (((hugs)))) and deep breaths, i know it totally stinks.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaargh! I hear you.
    All we have to do is spend more time with-our kids.
    Or, it's just because he's a boy.
    Or it's just a stage.
    Or it's because they're spoiled. We give them too much.
    Or it's because we don't give them enough.
    We're too strict.
    We're too lenient.

    Yes, our relatives have big mouths and peabrains. Give her a good slap for me!
  6. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Sounds like we've all been there. My father lives with us and he told my 15 yr old that he better start behaving or I would put him on drugs too. Sweet huh?

    People just don't understand how agonizing it all is. When you try everything and nothing works.
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Also been there, however not with family members. I am very lucky that way, even my extended family really does understand. That is just pure ignorance!!! Sometimes I think our children would be more tolerated and receive more empathy if they had a physical illness. Some people just don't understand what it is like. My daughter's father never believed she needed medication, WHAT??? That's because he isn't really in her life and does not live what we do on a daily basis.

    I used to beat myself up, thinking "if I only had done......". My daughter's therapist once told me that I could have had a 24 hour a day coach living with me and telling me all the right things to do and my daughter would still be exactly the same. So, do not second guess yourself!!!! That comment came from nothing but ignorance. It is very easy for others to pass judgment on a situation they no nothing about. You know in your heart you have been a GREAT mother and have done more for your child than she will ever do for hers in 10 lifetimes!!!!!

    God bless. :)
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well of course that is what he needed! It IS all your fault! JK
    Everyone else always knows better than us. Sometimes it is better to be the bigger person and walk away. Thumb your nose at them.
    Even take it one step further, "Yes you are probably right!" in a sarcastic tone... "Sorry I was such a horrible disappointing Parent"

    Some are worth trying to explain it to and help them understand. But pnly if they seem like they want to get it. Or if they are going to be in your life ALOT!
    Sorry people are DUMB and IGNORANT.
  9. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    hmmm, I always thought about just leaving difficult child with them and see how THEY handle it.....ok, maybe that's just too mean.

    ((HUGS)) yes, I think most of us have at least one of those in the family who just can't help but to state their less than accurate opinion.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh yeah. Been there, done that. Sadly, there is not much you can do with those who have no desire to become educated about the subject, except to ignore them.
  11. Critter Lover

    Critter Lover New Member

    When my father in law died from cancer....this Aunt's sons were found in my mother in law's
    basement....eating out of jars of spaghetti sauce she had down there and opening things that were mother in law's additional pantry downstairs. These were non disabled kids but no one went up to the Aunt saying.....YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT WHAT THEY JUST DID. We kept our mouth shut and understood that this Aunt has her hands filled with her sons and her ignorant husband. My son respects someone else's property.....he only breaks his stuff....LOL. He never ate something out of someone's else house without asking first.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My father in law and step mother in law are that way. They do not know husband is BiPolar (BP), or that difficult child has more than ADHD. husband just is lazy and difficult child is just a boy. I don't really talk to them much, and don't care too. They are ignorant and do not want to learn. It is hard when people blame us for our children's problems. Hugs, and it is NOT your fault.
  13. Critter Lover

    Critter Lover New Member

    I knew you all would understand with what I am going through with this Aunt. Just aggrevates the cr@p out of you when you know that you have done 10 times more for your difficult child than they have done with their child that had no disabilities. The real GOOD relatives are the ones that are not judgemental and can understand the challenges you face everyday. I was more scared of what my sisters would think since I am very close with them. Cried on the phone with them on Wednesday telling them that I did not want them to judge me as being a bad mother. They both said I was crazy for thinking that way and thought of me only as a good mother and could not imagine having a child that has challenged me all my parenting life. They said that they would never judge me but give me Love and unending support. They told me to call them anytime for venting or just to cry together. One even offered to take my son if he was placed in a bad facility. I would not have done that but it was nice to hear that my sister loves me and my son that much. God left me with wonderful siblings! :D
  14. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    It is really amazing that more people don't die from choking on their feet.:slap:

  15. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    OH how they can be so ignorant. They haven't a clue what difficult child life is like.

    many hugs
  16. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Critter Lover: ...or it is the food you feed your child...your sorted past ect.

    One of the high hopes on the horizon for all of us and the future is knowing the brain and how it works with all its variations.
    Considering how difficult the road of parents actually is it is frankly negligent that the biological realities of living human beings are not part of school curriculum.
    As all of us are familiar (pardon the pun) with what special need means in our world, and we are all challenged in our homes, in schools, and in workplaces and in the pursuit of proper care and treatment.
    The era when these things are some mystery or a matter of "belief" or a conditional reality that we "choose" can fall away so that more and more we are all present for reality.
    You know the other side of this is a family member who (I am going to throw this word, but you know what I mean) THINKS that all the child has been needing is "more time" ....if she is such a miracal worker why hasn't she done it herself? She has had the key in her pocket all along, if only in her imaginary world, and didn't just volunteer?
    What? Is she waiting for a patent?

    The big wonder is that the human brain is time tested. Taking care of others especially our children lends to tolerance of others indiferance. It still hurts and stings.
  17. Critter Lover

    Critter Lover New Member


    This Aunt has never been a part of seeing him grow up since she lives in PA and we live in FL. She has only seen my child when we were visiting in PA in the past and even then her household was more of a mess than mine could ever be. I have always been nice to her and her family and never judged her nor her family. I will let my husband handle the situation because this use to be an Aunt that was close to him growing up. I think that now has changed with the comment that she made.

    What sorted past am I suppose to have?....LOL

    Critter Lover
  18. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Critter Lover,

    The answer to your question is


    Somewhere out there is a post of my own, where my husband's first cousin, who lives less than 2 miles from us and has NO idea who I am, asked another cousin, right in front of me and difficult child, if difficult child was "a retard".

    No. The answer is no.

  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So you turn to her at the next family gathering and ask her with a most serious expression on your face:

    "So you feel that had we spent more time with difficult child he would have turned out differently?" interesting theory.

    (pause.....wait for it........wait for it......) then....

    "Well, while that comment doesn't give us an answer to HIS problems, your callous comment certainly answered quite a number of questions we've had about YOUR children's behavior for years."

    But no - she doesn't deserve an explaination because you can't teach a closed mind a thing.

    and then walk.........away. :surprise::D:tongue:
  20. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Or if you are REALLY in the mood.....:tongue:

    "So you think our son just needed us to spend more time with him?"


    "Well opinions are like buttholes - everyone has one and personally I think your's stinks."

    THEN walk away.

    (pushing random deb AND her heaven and earth chair out of the corner)