does it get easier

[2tired2fight]

I just joined a couple of days ago when my son had a meltdown over his room. Well he cleaned it and I thought we were on the right track. How naive I am. Tonight He called me a bi** and told me to shut up because he did not turn in his homework in english last week and today(his teacher just got back to me today) so i took away his cell phone. It is soo hard keeping up the discipline. I really just want to give the cell phone back and be done with this. He says he will drop out of school and for me to stay out of his business. Really I do not know how everyone deals with their children. I am already at the end of my rope.
Thanks for listening

 

[smallworld]

When you get a chance, can you go to "My Stuff" at the top of the board and complete a profile. It will help us remember you and your family when we go to answer your posts.

Does your son have a diagnosis? Is he on any medications?

Did your son swear at you in response to taking his cell phone away or in response to a discussion about why he didn't turn in his homework?

 

[2tired2fight]

My son swore at me in the discussion of taking his cell phone away(you know it is an earned privilege not a right) he kept saying why was he getting punished for the teacher loosing his homework. I told him well I will call the teacher tommorrow and we will discuss it. He then told me why am I butting in his business and the more I talk to his teachers the less he will do> I told him that is his choice but the less he does the more privileges he will loose. I finally stopped talking to him as the conversation became ludicrous. It really baffles me how he thinks he makes sense. By the way I would love to trust him but he has constantly failed classes. No learning disibilies just defiant.

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry, 2Tired. :frown:
I can identify with-the "conversation" about how you're butting into his biz. Sounds a bit like my difficult child... everything is my fault and he is in charge.
Yeah, right. :wink:
Also, I just read your profile. So sorry about the divorce. I know that no matter whose idea it was, it is a stressful time in your life. Best of luck.

 

[2tired2fight]

Thank you. I think it just helps to know we are not alone in this.

 

[smallworld]

Are you sure he's failing because he's just defiant? My son is not doing well in school because he's depressed. You may need to look deeper to discover the underlying cause for the defiance. In fact, I'd recommend a psychiatric evaluation.

This is just MHO, but I don't believe in punishing at home for problems at school. The natural consequences of not turning in homework is failing. If you can't live with that, then you need to work with your son at a calm moment to come up with a plan to make sure his homework gets turned in.

 

[kab]

sorry to hear about your struggles. sometimes I find myself just wishing my life were normal, whatever that means. no one is prepared for how hard it is to raise kids-especially if one is 'spirited' as I like to say. all I can say is hang in there-many of us have been at the end of that rope. somehow I find knowing that helps me feel less isolated as I navigate the screaming matches, control battles, and other joys that life brings. with all that is happening in life with the divorce, dont forget to find some time for you to sit and just be-even if you have to lock yourself in the closet for 30 minutes (hey dont knock it until youve tried it!)

 

[2tired2fight]

I am not sure why my son is failing. I know it is not because he is uncapable. He failed both 7th and 8th grades because he did not see the need for it. And I do not know why he does not at least get by. I had him in counseling and his counselor reccomended taking away privileges. He does not care if he passes or fails. School to him is for hanging out and meeting girls. and I really do not know how I could get him to get tested. How do I know if my way is the right way? I don't. Trusting him listening to the reasonings, making contracts which he always turns into something I manipulate(according to him) has not worked. I have tried alot of different ways. And I still can't get him to take responsibility for his actions. I really don't know what to do.

 

[2tired2fight]

Thanks for your words> I know we are all just trying to figure it out. Yes it does help to know others share this battle and sadly much worse. I doo just wish we coild be normal and that my son could see the handsome smart kid I see (between outbursts) and soo funny my closet is my favorite place

 

[BusynMember]

Has he ever had neuropsychologist testing? THey are very intensive tests and can pinpoint why his failing--processing problems, other Learning Disability (LD)'s, missed diagnosis. of high functioning autism, etc. They do hours of tests. If not, I highly recommend seeing one on top of a Psychiatrist. Doesn't sound like a counselor is enough. They just don't have the education to diagnose kids. Obviously the treatment so far isn't working. Has he EVER seen a neuropsychologist?Psychiatrict? If he has a psychiatric or neurological problem, and it sounds like he does, he probably can't do much to change himself. Therapy only works AFTER a child's problem is identified and the child is stabilized. I'd hurry because in a few years there is nothing legally that you can do.

 

[kris]

<span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #663366"> there are a few things i would do at this point.

first, get the appropriate referral from his primary care doctor for a neuorpsych evaluation. it will help you to narrow down the possibility of depression, bipolar or any other disorder.

second, send a certified letter to the school requestion a full battery of testing. it's not all that unusual for learning disabilities to surface at this age as opposed to younger. many kids can adapt to their disabilities, IOW cover them up, & then hit the middle school years & the work gets tougher & they can't cover anymore. go look in the Special Education archives & the forum for guidance on how to proceed on this.

for discipline at home maybe try some of the books listed on the homepage. The Explosive Child & Parenting with-Love & Logic For Teens spring to mind.

yeah, yeah, yeah....i know the teachers want us to support them by punishing our kids for non~compliance. nice for them, but what it does is turn your home into a major battleground. if he doesn't turn in his homework so be it. he will fail. he will have to repeat the class. to bad, so sad....for him. what happens in school stays in school is my philosphy. not an easy one because it goes against every fiber of our being.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[oceans]

It can get easier but it takes lots of work. It would be good to request that that school do an evaluation, and to try and get an IEP in place if possible. It would be excellent if you could get in to see a psychiatrist and see if there is a diagnoses that medication would help with. Some kind of therapy would also be helpful. You can see if there are any support groups in your area. NAMI often has them.

I know how difficult it can be. My difficult child failed 2 grades, but did so well on his EOG's that they passed him anyway. It is not easy to get them the help they need, but do not want. Things can get easier and better, but usually not on their own.

 

[busywend]

So how long have you been punishing your child? Has it changed anything? Has it improved his behavior? Is he more respectful now?

These are the things we have to evaluate for ourselves. If it has been a 6 months and you have been consistent - time to try something new. Something maybe out of the normal and even out of your comfort zone.

 

[TerryJ2]

At this point, you may have to bribe him to get him to go with-you for testing. I think it's that important! What does he want... his cell phone? It's yours until after the testing. Howzat?
Good luck.

 

[Sunlight]

you have three years and then you can kick him out. til then some stuff is not an option. he cannot swear at you and must go to school. do not give him the cellphone. he doesnt deserve it.

if you can ignore him for the most part and sneak in time for you to breathe. it is overwhelming raising these kids.

 

[nic]

How long have you been struggling with your difficult child? Do you and your husband get along? I'm just curious of the history/relationship amongst the family. Where is the father in all of this. Sorry to be nosy but it helps us all relate more. GOOD LUCK

 

[DammitJanet]

I would be concerned because he has failed 2 other times and is now still at it again. This is a pattern and he is being oppositional with you for whatever reason. Im sure part of his surliness is just teen defiance but it sounds like much more is going on.

He needs to get evaluated as soon as possible so you can work with him in what little time you have left. Contact his doctor and ask for a referral. Short of that, call the local mental health center and ask for an appointment for an evaluation.