Ok, so my difficult child finally called me back this morning. She has not found a place to live or a job. She has to drive an hour to go to Probation and her license is expired and will cost $450 to get it back. She was crying on the phone, scared that she has no where to live. Three of her 4 cats live in her car parked in our driveway and have for 5 weeks. I find that horrific but have let go of the compassion I feel for them because I cannot do anything, they're her cats. She carries the 18 year old cat wherever she goes. I cannot convince her to give up those cats, no matter what I say. I think she has lost so much that these animals represent way more then what they are.
In any case, she is 39, has not worked for 2 years, (until that point she was supporting herself) has been essentially couch surfing for that time and doing odd jobs to get by. No more friends to surf with. Now with the jail/probation thing looming over her, there is a lot she has to show up for with that as well. Everything she owns is in a storage unit about to be given away because of non payment (about $2300 now) Her car is okay, but without the license she cannot drive it. Meanwhile, we did find out that one of her loser friends gave her stolen property and that's what she went to jail for and is on probation for, a crime she didn't actually commit, and unknowingly got involved with. The sheriff said he didn't think she did anything wrong but to hang out with the wrong dude. In any case, she will have to pay the penalty for that.
Her husband committed suicide 12 years ago, which was horrible for everyone and his family decided to lay all blame on my difficult child, so they went on a campaign to abuse her for the 'crime' they made up. I learned at that time that the family of the one who commits suicide, especially if it is a son or daughter, the parents and siblings will often look for someone to blame for it, because it's too difficult for the family to think they actually made that choice alone. That was when my difficult child went south. Then they took her to court and took her husbands two daughters from her. She was losing ground at that point, so I understand that move. Then I went to court to take my bio-granddaughter. I say this just so you understand the losses she has gone through. Two years ago she lost her job due to politics, then as a result lost her home. It's been a nightmare for her. Along the way she has not acted and reacted in a fashion I understand, and I have always presumed grief/PTSD and/or mental illness, (since that runs in my family, sister-bi-polar, brother-schizophrenic, My Dad- undiagnosed bi-polar, My mother- depressed)
After spending the last number of weeks with my difficult child, she has exhibited some normal behaviors after awhile making me think that perhaps she was so stressed out for so long and now being at our calm home, she was able to relax and let go a little. She still is different and odd and outside of many lines, but .................
I just don't know what to think or what to do. We have given her a deadline to get herself out of our home by March 1st, but she has been staying with a friend for the last week so that is a moot point. The tent, the car with the cats and some of her stuff is still at our place. She had a lot of problems with the boundaries we set, some set by my granddaughter who didn't want her mother around when she had her boyfriend over, because it was too hard for her to explain. I understood both sides of that and went with my granddaughters wishes. I know how much that hurt my daughter's feelings. And after listening to all sides, I do understand my daughter's point of view on some boundary issues, but she felt very unwanted and invisible and left about a week ago. I feel bad about that. I set good boundaries, but sometimes life isn't so black and white. The whole situation is made so much worse because my granddaughter doesn't want her mom in our home. My daughter did some damage to the kids with her relentless control, sorrow and fears. I can see all sides here.
We are leaving for a vacation, planned for a year and paid for in advance for two weeks, which makes all of this stressful because I am not sure I want her around our home when we are gone because she hasn't always made good choices and some of her friends appear to be untrustworthy, in my opinion. Our home will be empty and that makes me nervous if any of those guys found out about that. We leave on March 9th.
I like many of you with your difficult child's, go back and forth with what to do. She is not on drugs or a drinker, she is 'unbalanced' and makes poor choices. However, she has also gone through an exceedingly difficult time for a long time and lost everything.
Do I let her go down further then she is with the hopes that she can pull herself out? The job market here where we live is terrible and a room in someones house is $550 not including utilities (minimally, usually $700 and more). She gets $700 a month from an old child support payment from the elder daughters mother. Do I help her out for a short period of time?
I called her Dad this morning after I got off the phone with her. I was upset. I asked him if he thought he might be able to help her with the money for the license and perhaps if we all put something into a pot we could get her some small place and pay the rent for 6 months or so.
I have not been financially responsible for my difficult child for many years. I am raising my granddaughter, her daughter, but other then a few times where I gave her money for gas or her phone in recent times, she has been on her own.
She is not asking me for anything. She is just telling me she has no where to live and no job and doesn't know what to do with her car, the cats, everything. I see how often other parents on this site face this dilemma, I can't imagine a worst place to be, a worst choice to face. I couldn't sleep last night because I was worried about what she can possibly do next.
I am the last one standing here. My granddaughter thinks I should let go, my fiancee understands and doesn't push either way, he just feels so bad for those cats, that would be helpful if they would be freed. Everyone will go along with whatever I decide. Of course, her Dad may not help financially, he has not been much help throughout her life. I'd like to be wrong about that, lately, with his own mortality facing him, he has become more willing to be there for our daughter.
She may or may not be capable of really utilizing her brain the way a functioning person does, there are many signs of that, but she refuses to be evaluated and has for years. If we take on the financial care of her now, we all may have it for the rest of our lives. Or she may just need a safe place of her own and a little time to decompress to start some kind of life, even if it is minimal.
If she had shown some signs of gratitude or willingness to shift and change this would all be unnecessary, I would have simply helped her, but she has a difficult personality to like, and that may be mental illness. Plus after I took her daughter, my difficult child and I were estranged for years. I just don't know. She is entitled. She is negative and often has trouble taking responsibility, but every once in a while she does. Like that time she actually said, "Mom, for the last 15 years whenever I was faced with a choice, I made the wrong one." It's statements like that that make my heart break for her.
She is my only child. I made many mistakes with her, but I no longer feel guilty about that, I finally let that go. I've learned a lot about boundaries and letting go and detachment. I just don't know how to handle this part, there is such a huge gray area of uncertainty. I want her to be safe. I don't know how she can get out of this hole without some help. I guess I have been hoping that help would come from somewhere else, but perhaps, it has to start with me. I just don't know....................
I would so appreciate any help you have to offer. I feel lost in it all.............
In any case, she is 39, has not worked for 2 years, (until that point she was supporting herself) has been essentially couch surfing for that time and doing odd jobs to get by. No more friends to surf with. Now with the jail/probation thing looming over her, there is a lot she has to show up for with that as well. Everything she owns is in a storage unit about to be given away because of non payment (about $2300 now) Her car is okay, but without the license she cannot drive it. Meanwhile, we did find out that one of her loser friends gave her stolen property and that's what she went to jail for and is on probation for, a crime she didn't actually commit, and unknowingly got involved with. The sheriff said he didn't think she did anything wrong but to hang out with the wrong dude. In any case, she will have to pay the penalty for that.
Her husband committed suicide 12 years ago, which was horrible for everyone and his family decided to lay all blame on my difficult child, so they went on a campaign to abuse her for the 'crime' they made up. I learned at that time that the family of the one who commits suicide, especially if it is a son or daughter, the parents and siblings will often look for someone to blame for it, because it's too difficult for the family to think they actually made that choice alone. That was when my difficult child went south. Then they took her to court and took her husbands two daughters from her. She was losing ground at that point, so I understand that move. Then I went to court to take my bio-granddaughter. I say this just so you understand the losses she has gone through. Two years ago she lost her job due to politics, then as a result lost her home. It's been a nightmare for her. Along the way she has not acted and reacted in a fashion I understand, and I have always presumed grief/PTSD and/or mental illness, (since that runs in my family, sister-bi-polar, brother-schizophrenic, My Dad- undiagnosed bi-polar, My mother- depressed)
After spending the last number of weeks with my difficult child, she has exhibited some normal behaviors after awhile making me think that perhaps she was so stressed out for so long and now being at our calm home, she was able to relax and let go a little. She still is different and odd and outside of many lines, but .................
I just don't know what to think or what to do. We have given her a deadline to get herself out of our home by March 1st, but she has been staying with a friend for the last week so that is a moot point. The tent, the car with the cats and some of her stuff is still at our place. She had a lot of problems with the boundaries we set, some set by my granddaughter who didn't want her mother around when she had her boyfriend over, because it was too hard for her to explain. I understood both sides of that and went with my granddaughters wishes. I know how much that hurt my daughter's feelings. And after listening to all sides, I do understand my daughter's point of view on some boundary issues, but she felt very unwanted and invisible and left about a week ago. I feel bad about that. I set good boundaries, but sometimes life isn't so black and white. The whole situation is made so much worse because my granddaughter doesn't want her mom in our home. My daughter did some damage to the kids with her relentless control, sorrow and fears. I can see all sides here.
We are leaving for a vacation, planned for a year and paid for in advance for two weeks, which makes all of this stressful because I am not sure I want her around our home when we are gone because she hasn't always made good choices and some of her friends appear to be untrustworthy, in my opinion. Our home will be empty and that makes me nervous if any of those guys found out about that. We leave on March 9th.
I like many of you with your difficult child's, go back and forth with what to do. She is not on drugs or a drinker, she is 'unbalanced' and makes poor choices. However, she has also gone through an exceedingly difficult time for a long time and lost everything.
Do I let her go down further then she is with the hopes that she can pull herself out? The job market here where we live is terrible and a room in someones house is $550 not including utilities (minimally, usually $700 and more). She gets $700 a month from an old child support payment from the elder daughters mother. Do I help her out for a short period of time?
I called her Dad this morning after I got off the phone with her. I was upset. I asked him if he thought he might be able to help her with the money for the license and perhaps if we all put something into a pot we could get her some small place and pay the rent for 6 months or so.
I have not been financially responsible for my difficult child for many years. I am raising my granddaughter, her daughter, but other then a few times where I gave her money for gas or her phone in recent times, she has been on her own.
She is not asking me for anything. She is just telling me she has no where to live and no job and doesn't know what to do with her car, the cats, everything. I see how often other parents on this site face this dilemma, I can't imagine a worst place to be, a worst choice to face. I couldn't sleep last night because I was worried about what she can possibly do next.
I am the last one standing here. My granddaughter thinks I should let go, my fiancee understands and doesn't push either way, he just feels so bad for those cats, that would be helpful if they would be freed. Everyone will go along with whatever I decide. Of course, her Dad may not help financially, he has not been much help throughout her life. I'd like to be wrong about that, lately, with his own mortality facing him, he has become more willing to be there for our daughter.
She may or may not be capable of really utilizing her brain the way a functioning person does, there are many signs of that, but she refuses to be evaluated and has for years. If we take on the financial care of her now, we all may have it for the rest of our lives. Or she may just need a safe place of her own and a little time to decompress to start some kind of life, even if it is minimal.
If she had shown some signs of gratitude or willingness to shift and change this would all be unnecessary, I would have simply helped her, but she has a difficult personality to like, and that may be mental illness. Plus after I took her daughter, my difficult child and I were estranged for years. I just don't know. She is entitled. She is negative and often has trouble taking responsibility, but every once in a while she does. Like that time she actually said, "Mom, for the last 15 years whenever I was faced with a choice, I made the wrong one." It's statements like that that make my heart break for her.
She is my only child. I made many mistakes with her, but I no longer feel guilty about that, I finally let that go. I've learned a lot about boundaries and letting go and detachment. I just don't know how to handle this part, there is such a huge gray area of uncertainty. I want her to be safe. I don't know how she can get out of this hole without some help. I guess I have been hoping that help would come from somewhere else, but perhaps, it has to start with me. I just don't know....................
I would so appreciate any help you have to offer. I feel lost in it all.............
