easy child/difficult child and friends (or lack of)

[Wiped Out]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this as it is different than so many of the issues here.

easy child/difficult child is 20 and has no friends. She sort of has one but they have only done something together twice and that girl is leaving for college (they used to work together). She has a ton of anxiety and is extremely shy about meeting new people. She made bad friendship choices in high school and was burned by them which is probably making it harder.

She doesn't go out, doesn't really socialize. Mainly she just hangs with us and I know that is not a good thing for someone her age.

She was hoping at her new job she could make some friends but it doesn't seem to be working out. She is hoping when she starts classes in a few weeks at our local tech college she will make some friends. She told husband that she will try sitting nearer other students instead of as far away as she can get. I've suggested maybe joining a club because she could meet people with similar interests.

Any other suggestions? She is not the type to initiate things but we've tried to tell her she needs to at times. She is seeing a therapist so I am also hoping she will work on this there.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Find your niche first. It really helps. I didn't have much for real friends until Uni... where I found a field in which I excelled, and then became friends with others in that field because we had a common interest and common cause.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have the same problem in real life. I am basically a hermit. For years my neighbors barely knew me and I couldnt tell you their names when I see them. They look familiar so I smile like I know exactly who they are...lol

My only real friend here was a coworker and she continued working after I left the place. We did have lunch about once a month and might get together one time during a month for something else but it was rare. She died about 3 years ago.

I am just not one who likes to go to parties or get togethers where people will be drinking or smoking pot. Thats pretty much what happens around here. Sometimes people will have a picnic but the women hang out together fixing all the food while the men sit outside in the shade drinking beer and talking. Im not happy with that. If I go with someone then I want to stay with them during the event. Obviously I dont go to these events...lol

I have tried things like groups and even taking a class but it didnt work. I have no ideas.

 

[busywend]

When the heck did she get to be 20?!?! Wow....time sure does fly.

Well, I hope she really tries when classes start. College is so diverse, if she looks around she will see someone shier than her. Maybe they can help each other be more social.

 

[FlowerGarden]

I was always shy. I found volunteering helped me to meet people. I had to push myself but I did it and succeeded at meeting people who became my friends. I wish her well. It is hard.

 

[Wiped Out]

Thanks Ladies. She did talk to her therapist today and has some ideas to try.

I really hope she can make some friends. Her self-esteem suffers because of it for sure.

 

[busywend]

Aaarggghhh!! Your difficult child is 16??!! How did this happen?

 

[Wiped Out]

Lol, Wendy! It is hard to believe especially since I am not aging at all

 

[scent of cedar]

Volunteering is a great way to open new facets of our lives. Those attracted to the volunteer areas your daughter is attracted to will have something in common, already. Following her curiosity and taking classes will bring her into contact with other people with similar interests, too. Martial arts? Ballet? Ceramics? Country line dancing? Whatever she is curious about. If she writes, she could join a local writer's group. Most writers are introverts, too.

For so much of my life, I felt lonelier in a crowd than when I was alone. It wasn't until I went back to school (small, private, egghead city I swear) that I found people like me. There is a video by a group called Blind Melon. I can't think of the name of the video right now, but the second I saw it, I identified with it completely. It's about this chubby little red-headed girl in a bee costume. Her antennae are always waving around crazily.

Everywhere she goes, she is an outsider. And there's no way she can hide it either, with those stupid antennae waving around everywhere. Then, one day, she opens a door onto a room full of...people in bee costumes!

That was me, when I went to the egghead place.

:O)

That's how it is, sometimes. Until we find our niche, we don't find our people.

It's painful though, to watch our children suffer.

Cedar

 

[bluebell]

My easy child is 13 and she only has one or 2 friends but there is constant drama that she can't handle, not in addition to the drama already at home. She told me the other night that she feels like she needs to be here for us in case something happens or we 'need' her. I guess this is the beginning of an anxiety disorder? I worry. I know she's not 20 and I worry about the years in between, I have often wondered if she will be hanging out with mom and dad until she is 20! difficult child is very judgemental about easy child and her lack of friends/social life. Well, apparently he is right that all teenagers do drugs and that's why she has no friends because she is the ONLY teenager in the US that doesn't do drugs!!! (Tongue-in-cheek.)

 

[Wiped Out]

Cedar-Great idea about the volunteering!

Bluebell-I hope your daughter makes some good friends as well.