Enabling or allowing to visit

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by strangeworld, Oct 3, 2017.

  1. strangeworld

    strangeworld Member

    My 19 year old daughter texted finally after the last text on Sat saying she didn't feel well. (phone got charged somehow...I think she's been sleeping at the park and friends). She lost her EBT card. I will pick her up and drop her off at the services dept. She got a gift card for her birthday for a craft store. She asked if I wanted to go and take her along (my favorite store). I am wondering if she will want to come home and sleep here tomorrow or longer or maybe not and I feel myself tensing up knowing I am conflicted. I didn't ask her. I don't want to enable her but I also want her to check in and "visit ". I want to keep a relationship and hope we can eventually feel open and honest with each other and not walking on egg shells. I want to enjoy my daughter regardless of her problems regardless of drugs and alcohol. Seems like a fine line between enabling and just accepting her for who she is. I will not tolerate abuse anymore and right now she's acting sweet. But as soon as it turns sour I will remind her that this is our home and if she can't respect us she needs to leave. I would like her to start to own her life but right now I'm too weak for setting permanent boundaries because I just want to know that she's ok once in a while. I want to feed her fruits and veggies and keep her warm. Motherhood (and fatherhood) is the most rewarding job and honestly the most painful. This kid I nursed for over three years...is my first blood relative (I was adopted at 6 weeks) thst I met and shares some of my same interests. I see myself in her even in her brutal moments (I was awful to my mom too and out of control....but doing college). Finally when I had my daughter, my relationship with my own mom felt stronger again. It's strange how we can't stand the people we love the most! Anyway would you allow your kid back for a visit once in a while even if they are not taking steps to improve their life? I always feel like I'm doing something wrong nomatter what it is.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Simply sounds to me like the dance of detaching with love. They need to know we love them. Feeding them or showing love is not enabling in my book.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would. If your criteria is met, your boundaries respected, you're treated with respect and you feel you can handle seeing her at this point, then by all means, go ahead and spend time with your daughter. You'll find out if it will work or not when you see her. She may be missing you and want to spend time with you and then resume her own life making her own choices........or she may be manipulating you....which you'll know soon enough. It's the behavior you're detaching from. Hopefully, you and she will be able to create a neutral bridge to connect upon. One mother saw her son weekly for 10 minutes in her car near the shelter he was in....it was all she could handle at the time, but she was true to herself. As he improved, the time expanded. I agree about accepting her for who she is......yet make sure you are respected. One thing I've learned and read a lot here is don't ask a lot of questions.....you're likely not going to like the answers......refrain, step back and try to enjoy her without judgment, questions and expectations. I hope it works out for you two.
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Strange:

    I agree that you should do what makes you feel good. Of course you want to see your daughter. I get that.

    I also have so much compassion for what you said about your being adopted and her being the only person that you are related to. That is a very powerful thing and you should embrace it.

    Do what makes you happy. We never know if what we are doing is the right thing.