Exhausted our resources.

[ravenlotus]

We have taken my daughter to nuropsychologist, psychiatrists and Medical Doctors. She is on some Occupational Therapist (OT) for some sensory issues. But they all say the same thing. We need to dispapline her better. Ok. so I don't know what to do anymore. The tell us we need to take away toys, time out, no going out to fun places. Well that's what we do. Her behavior gets worse. She goes in to screaming fits. They get worse and worse. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess it's all my fault for spoiling her for 4 years when we lived with my dad and his girlfriend who has PTSD and major deppression. So I had to keep my daughter quiet. It's all my fault giving in to my daughter all these years. I guess we just go no where fun anymore and stay home all the time. We will even just go the store separtely so that one of us will always be home with her. They all say she will grow out of it. So I guess we wait till she becomes a teenager to have fun. But who knows by then we will have gone deaf and can't hear. And she will still be a spoiled brat. It's all my fault cuz I am a bad mom who didn't disapline my daughter. She will be 5 in 2 weeks.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hi, and welcome.

Lots of us have played the "blame the parent" game. I'm not sure why so many in the medical community like to do that but... it seems to be a common theme.

In reality? Not necessarily.

You've already noted "sensory issues". I'm not aware of those being a stand-alone diagnosis very often. They usually go with other things - either under a bigger umbrella diagnosis (like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/Aspie, for example), or as one of a long list of "other" dxes.

Can you tell us more about her? What was she like as an infant and toddler? Did she walk/talk/etc. on time? like to cuddle, or hate it, or need it all the time? The more you can share, the more chances another parent might "recognize" the symptoms.

Who has she been evaluated by? And what kind of evaluation? (an hour of informal, or a day's worth of testing...) That makes a difference, too.

 

[ravenlotus]

She didn't crawl till about 10 months when she did it wasn't on her hands and knees. she go on one knee and both hands and the other leg she propel herself with her foot. She didn't walk till she 15 months old. She was very colicky when she was a baby. She started saying Mom around 4-5 months. She was 6-7 months when she started signing. I taught her sign to help know what she wanted sooner. She is not deaf. She hears just fine. She really was a happy baby and toddler. I did have to hold her and sleep by her till she fell asleep then I could put her in her crib. It was 2 weeks after her 3rd birthday that she was potty trained. Since the day I put on the pull-up she has never had accicdent at night. When she was around 3 my dad started dating this woman. Of course like any my daughter would scream while she was in time out. This woman my dad was dating couldn't handle it. She was there all the time. So I would just give my daughter whatever she wanted and let her do whatever she wanted provided it wasn't dangerous. Just so that she wouldn't scream. She has always liked to be cuddled. Sometimes she gets a little too rough with us and doesn't seem to know boundries. That is one of the things we are working on with the Occupational Therapist (OT). probably 7/10 times when we leave somewhere she considers fun she will throw a fit. We try talking to her before hand and saying th"ings like. " Now what do we say when mommy and daddy say its time to go? Do we scream and yell and hit mommy and daddy?" She says" No. We say "sigh" Ok Mommy ok Dad. We will come back tomorrow or in 10 days. " But it usually ends up with us picking her up and carrying out screaming, yelling, kicking. This also happens when we say she can't have something she wants. Or that we can't go somewhere fun. I have also been been pretty mindful of the amount of sugar she injusts. I usually only give her one cookie or 1 small candy a day. The rest of her meals and snacks consists of fruits and vegtalbles and all good stuff to eat. She doesn't like soda, so we don't have to worry about that. I am sure there is also the factor that I just got married 1 year ago. Her biological father was a one night stand so she has never known him. So my husband is the only dad she knows. He is wonderful with her. She does still cling to me a bit. Which I know is normal. Any thoughts? I just don't know what to do. When she did go to daycare their only complaint was that she had a hard time coming in from recess.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Has she ever had a really comprehensive evaluation? the kind that take all day, or parts of several days? including Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for both sensory and motor skills, etc.?

Because... that list of issues sure sounds a bit "spectrumish" to me (Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/Aspie)
Especially having trouble with boundaries and with transitions.
The fact that she had all these challenges even BEFORE age 3 with the "scene" changed a bit at home... tells me that this isn't caused by the change of scene. It was there before, and while some experiences may highlight certain behaviors... they aren't necessarily the cause.

 

[BusynMember]

I would go with the comprehensive evaluation. Who is telling you you're a bad mom? Somebody must be. But whoever it is, even if it's your inner voice, that person is dead wrong. Most likely your daughter was born wired differently and has a harder time adapting to life/normal situations than other kids and it has nothing to do with you, your dad, or his girlfriend's PTSD or you're "spoiling" her. Most of us give in to our little toddlers a lot. Most toddlers do not act out in a horrible way, spoiled or not. Most parents, moreoever, are not totally consistent. You are getting bad info from somebody/people. You need to get your daughter evaluated to see what's going on and I recommend a neuropsychologist or a comprehensive university hospital team of child development experts. Do NOT ask a therapist or your pediatrician. They are not well schooled in childhood disorders.

Do you know anything about the father's biological history or genetic background? Any psychiatric problems on either side of her genetic family tree? It does not matter if she never sees her father. He is half of her DNA so a part of her personality is from him and he lives within her so he can not be discounted as a factor in her atypical behavior. Things are often inherited. If you look at your genetic trees, you can probably see some differently wired people on both sides. Her bio. dad is probably a bigger factor into her inherent personality than your husband, even though he raised her. Genetics is huge. I'm an adoptive mom of three and adoptive moms are always amazed at how much more the kids that they raise are like their biological parents than like us, the ones who raise them. You may want to find out more about your one-night-stands biology so you can give accurate information to an evaluator.

Now to find out exactly what is going on with your daughter. We are just moms and we don't really know. Get the evaluation, hopefully with some info on the biological father too. If he is, say, bipolar, it is important to know that in the future. That is an example of an inherited disorder. Your husband may be a great guy and I'm sure he is, but he didn't contribute to her genetic makeup. With my adopted kids, we always dug for as much biological info as we could. It helped!!!!

 

[Liahona]

Welcome! The explosive child by Ross Green has helped me pick my battles.

 

[ravenlotus]

She makes friends very easily. She is very friendly and talks to everyone. However she can get pretty bossy. She has one friend who lives across the street that has left before because my daughter would not take turns. But other than that she has no problem talking or socializing. Even daycare she had lots of friends. She gets along great with kids at church. She is also great with her imagination. She is always making up songs and stories with her toys. But no we have not had a comprehensive evaluation done. We will look into that. It's mostly my inner head that tells me I am a bad mom. But also my dad's girlfriend always and I do mean always brings up the comment that if she acted like that her mom would beat her senseless. How a child doesn't need toys, because she never got anything. Then there are always those comments you hear as you are carrying her out of somewhere kicking and screaming. That you should just spank them and it's not abuse it's disapline.

 

[ravenlotus]

No, I will never be able to find out about her biological dad. Like I said he was a one night stand and I really don't even remember his name. However I do know that I myself was diagnosed with ADD when I was 14. I am going to put this out there. I do remember going to some kind of therapy. I don't know if it was Occupational Therapist (OT) or what. I am hoping someone might know. It was a little like acupressure and yoga. I would do belly breathing and rub my ears to put on my thinking cap or turn on my brain by rubbing certain points on my forehead. There were a lot of other exercises for different things not just ADD. I would ask my parents. But my dad doesn't remember stuff like that. Partly because it was always my mom who took me. She sadly passed away 4 years ago.

 

[BusynMember]

Dad's girlfriend sounds like a whack job. I'd ignore anything she says. How did she get PTSD? Did h er parents beat or abuse her?

Just because she had a rotten childhood where she got slapped around doesn't mean you're a BAD mother for trying to give your daughter a good one. I'd tune her out.

Sounds like you may have had acupuncture.

Daughter sounds like she makes friends, but has no idea how to keep them. Can you have her evaluated? It would help you. A lot.

 

[ravenlotus]

I don't think it was totally accupressure that I did. There was this little booklet that had different exercises in it. Like I would have to crawl on the ground but using opposite leg and hand to help my brain connect both sides. Or draw an x on my papers to help when I am taking a test. It was a bunch of different things put together. But yes my dad's girlfriend is a whack job. She got PTSD from her mother who beat her and 2 different husbands who beat her. It is because of her I don't see my dad as often as I like. Because she always there. I feel bad for my daughter in letting her have a close relationship with her grandpa. But I can't take her around that woman very often. I am also just not sure where we are going to get the money for all these tests. Our insurance pays some yes. But we just don't have the money to come up with the rest. We already have garnishments on our wages from and apartment complex that took advantage of us and we don't have the documentation to prove it.
My daughter has good days and sometimes good weeks. We have ordered the book by Ross Green The Explosive Child. When we ordered the book we read an exert from it. It sounded very similar. So hopefully it will come soon.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Those exercises could have been "brain gym". It was popular for a while, but no proven lasting results from it.

 

[ravenlotus]

Yep that was it. Brain Gym.