explosive child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, May 10, 2007.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ok, if i'm at home starting the 3 baskets approach, how does this work if the school is not letting anything, no matter how minor, slide becuase they want to use option a all the time? how do we stand behind the school approach- zero tolerance and no excuses- and then do something completely different at home? can the difficult child digest that inconsistency and still respect both methods?
  2. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    You are starting with the false premise that a method should be respected simply because it's chosen by the school or the parent or whomever. Schools (and parents and whomever) can be wrong in how they handle situations. Respect is earned, not conferred.

    If you are really asking how you can force him to comply with the method chosen by the school, you can't. You and the school can punish him all anyone wants but he isn't going to comply unless he decides he is going to and has the capacity to do so (which can be problematic for kids with bioneurological disorders).
  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't really have any ideas to offer, but I wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from.

    If I remember correctly, difficult child has an IEP in place, correct? It sounds like you might need to hire an educational advocate and call an IEP meeting and revisit things.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks! Yes, he's on an IEP and I've been trying to get an advocate on board for the last week. If I go thru the state DOE to find an advocate, am I going to get one who's biased towards the school? Anyway, I might just go straight for an attorney- I was just reading our state laws about this and when I disagreed with the Manifestation determination in March, I could have filed for an expedited due process hearing right then and this whole thing would be resolved by now. I can't tell you what just now finding that out does for me (URGHHHH!). I sure wish I could sue the school for lost wages since I've not been able to work full time in over 6 weeks because he's home on a suspension. Homebound was supposed to start mid-April. It's actually starting next Monday. I'll stop here before I work myself into more of a frenzy!!
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't have any personal experience with due process, but from what I hear you would have a tough go of it on your own without legal counsel.

    As to your other question re: the advocate, I can't answer that. You may want to ask that on the Special Education board and see what Sheila and Martie have to say. I know they have a link (I used to have it, but lost all my bookmarks) to a listing of educational advocates by state.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would ask on the Special Education board. You can maybe get help there on how to get the school to maybe go along with some of your methods. However, in school there are 30 other students to worry about too and it may not be possible in school to overlook a lot. He may need a special placement. At any rate, I'd ask over there. Hugs :smile:
  7. lordhelpme

    lordhelpme New Member

    1st answer to the school ?. i would look over the part in the back of the book that address the school setting and follow some of the advice there. i had a similar problem as the school gave me a copy of the book to borrow yet they did not follow the suggestions. the super was not happy when i pointed this out in an early mtg.

    as for the advocate i contacted the local CAUSE office
    Citizens Alliance To Uphold Special Education (CAUSE) is the Parent Training ... Our priority is to protect and advocate for the educational rights of ...

    the guy i talked to today was awesome and he is going to come with-me to the mediation i have requested.

    i would suggest that you look into mediation 1st before due process. i have been told it is better off for all parties to try this route first. no lawyer fees less hassles.
    my state had a fed funded mediation program check your states board of ed website to see if they have on or the CAUSE people can direct you.

    good luck!
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You guys seem to have more services in place to facilitate communication between parent and school. We've had to get by down here.

    So consider my views a worst case scenario.

    Rules to live by:

    1) School stuff is not home stuff. DO NOT TAKE ON SCHOOL'S GARBAGE. This means no nagging over homework, not following through with punishment meted out by the school. You can support the school as far as explaining to difficult child that he has to try to obey school rules during school time, and home rules during home time, and that your task as parent is to support him in trying to meet these requirements.

    2) Get the IEP changed to include CPS (basically, "Explosive Child" methods). Explain to the school that it is in their interests to make the changes because existing discipline methods have clearly been failing; the CPS methods work very well for other kids in the class even if they are PCs; YOU are not going to stop nagging about it until they comply.

    Also explain to the school that since they are going down such a very different management path to you, that you cannot follow through at home and to not expect you to. If they won't support YOUR methods, they are on their own. And check the law, but I think failure to make the changes you request, without giving good reasons to you which you accept, is discriminatory. A case could probably be made, anyway.

    You can't apply normal rules to an abnormal situation. When a planeload of athletes crashes in the Andes and they have to eat the bodies to survive, this is forgiven because the situation was extreme. When Sweeney Todd kidnaps, kills and eats his victims, this is murder and is dealt with by the full extent of the law. What I'm saying - you have to be prepared to adapt to the situation in order to survive.

  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, everyone! I'm going to see an attorney Monday morning about this and see what he proposes. We have resources on paper- in reality, the people around here are telling me that this is the worst school district for "eliminating" kids with poblems by sending them to "schools" that don't do much besides throw away the key- which is the impression I got after spending an hour on the phone with two different ones. Realy, I have NOTHING against sending my difficult child to anyplace (school, treatment center, hospital, etc) that can assist in turning him around; but I have a BIGGGGG problem with sending him away and throwing away the key. Yes, his issues are a problem and I have tried for a long time to get an inpatient evaluation and other things to try to get us on the right direction. I don't know if other states/jurisdictions have resources somewhere between mainstream school and a shortened school that has very minimal success rate, but it sounds like other places are making more accommodations, by what I'm interpreting on this forum. That gives me hope. Anyway, I'm still confused about how the book "Explosive Child" proposes to deal with things and about the school, and the rest of the world, saying that they have to handle things in the "A" manner because the child has to learn how to live in the real world. My problem is that I can see both sides of this and I know the "A" approach got me nowhere at home; however, noone else in my difficult child's world is going to let him proceed in mainstream with this approach. And I definitely cannot see the school or anyone else in our lives, changing for this.
  10. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    7. If I use this Collaborative Problem Solving approach, and reduce the overall demand on my child’s frustration tolerance, how will he/she ever be prepared to live in the real world?

    This is another common concern that is often raised by newcomers to our parent support group. Remember, reducing demands is what is accomplished by Basket C. Now, Basket C can be very important for some children very early in treatment because they are simply unable to meet all of the demands that are being placed upon them. But Basket B is where your child learns how to be more flexible, how to deal more adaptively with frustration, how to generate solutions to problems, how to figure out what the problem is in the first place, and how to take another person’s needs into account. Which is more crucial for a child to learn to be prepared for the real world: blind adherence to authority (as trained in Basket A) or learning how to come up with mutually satisfactory solutions with other people (as trained in Basket B)? We think Basket B does prepare children for the real world!

  11. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Your child is basically a teenager and also intelligent. he needs teachers who can reach out to him , make him feel understood , build a relationship of trust and support. Trying to manipulate and control him through Basket A in my humble opinion will make things worse. Lon Woodbury , the educational consultant from http://strugglingteens.com says that the most important factor contributing to successfully helping a kid is the close and trusting relationship with caregivers. Extrinsic motivation- basket A does not take into account the kid's developmental stage and other difficulties or his perceptions and his potential response.

  12. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Allan, reading some of the things on that site scared me. Did I only manage to click on the HORRID stuff on the site? It looks to me like to me there were adults who were UNtrustworthy caregivers. No thanks! I think I'll use baskets A, B, C, in my own fashion. Did you read "Loving Them to Death" in the discussion forum? NO child can be bad enough to warrant that kind of treatment. Thanks for opening my eyes....just in case I ever had such a thought.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, Allan. I'm looking into these sites.

    Pamela, which site and where exactly did you see "Loving them to death"? The title alone scares me.
  14. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    klmno, sorry I didn't get back here quickly...I was being "mother's day"ed. Let's see......on the strugglingteens.com site, click on Discussion Forum, then at the bottom click Active Forums, then click News, then scroll to the July 21, 2005 discussion. It's titled, "Loving Them to Death".

    There is also some good discussion on alot of things. Alan, thanks for sending us the site for more info.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Wow!! I heard about these horrors at a couple of court-sent boot-camps but I had no idea about this. I'm really glad you mentioned it because I had been toying with the idea of sending my son to one of these that had been shown/used on the Dr. Phil show- I was assuming he had checked it out and found they provided a good shot for turning kids around. Now, I'd be scared to try it.