Feel like there is more than addiction

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by tryingtobestrong, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. Sorry for all of my posts. I just feel like there is more going on than just alcoholism.. I know depression as well.
    He was seeing this girl for about 3 weeks then relapsed. She said he was nice and sweet prior to that and now turned mean and nasty.
    He will persistently call and text her and not stop. It could be like 16 times straight. Like on the phone it would say missed call so I don't get why he would keep redialing up to 16 times. The girl reached out to me and told me to tell him to stop. Tell him she wants no parts of him anymore... I told her to block his number.
    I just don't know why he doesn't realize that his not normal behavior!

    He can't take rejection. He went to this 10 rehab again and said that this girl said he needed to go before she would see him... Not sure if he is talking about the same girl who text me to tell him to stop. So, he comes out of rehab and gets dump.... RELAPSE again!

    I left the rehab know that I am not longer the contact for him. I want to be done with him. Lied to me about leaving for rehab this morning, only went tonight after 5 and now they are asking me to self pay since they can't authorize his stay through the insurance at this time... Seriously! He was drinking today ..
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I did this when I was young. (Embarrassing, yes.) I would call and call this guy's number repeatedly. I thought that he would not know. But I was wrong. He told me somebody was calling his apartment repeatedly. I did not volunteer it was me. I was not even that in to him. I felt anxious and desperate and out of control. I felt destabilized by the relationship and like I did not have power. I felt my own stability in relation to what he did or did not do.

    It sounds like your son is using relationships and other things external to him in order to feel stabilized. You should expect this kind of behavior from him until he makes a decision to face himself and his problems on their own terms.

    Somebody told me not long ago that my son was my drug. That I was addicted to him. To worrying about him, etc. To results that I had no control over that were in him, and that he alone could control. That was true.

    Right now you are feeling the effects of your son's behaviors. Until you center yourself in you, you will continue to feel as I did: desperate, out of control, helpless. And your son will feel his own power as his power over you: To make you feel helpless. To extract things from you. To get you to feel out of control...He is dominating you. He may not be conscious of it. But for your own health and well-being, I believe you would be helped if you begin to experience what is happening to you, as problematic, over and above what your son does or not do.

    He will do what he will do and NOT ONE THING MORE.

    What can you do for yourself, to regain control over your life, independent of him? This is what will surely benefit you and it may well benefit him too. I know how hard this is.
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2018
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Even if there is more than addiction, what can you do? Do you believe you have power to influence what he does?

    Many parents here have found that when their children quit the substance abuse their symptoms of mental illness disappear, too, in time.

    My son is diagnosed with mental illness and receives SSI for disability. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS.

    My son needs to learn to handle his life, regardless of his challenges or deficits. This changes nothing. Your son works, lives independently. How impaired could he be? All of us have something.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I really dont this hideous behavior means either that he is mentally ill in any way or trying to control you. Bad behavior isnt always mental illness although it wouldnt hurt him to get help to learn to cope better.

    And he is an alcoholic. No surprise. Drug addicts often cant use any substances. He drank because that is what he currently uses. Alcohol probably was always bad for him but he used other drugs more so you didnt notice the alcohol intolerance.

    I do think that it is best to get help yourself to move forward in your own life. You cant control him. And he seems to want monetary stuff from you right now NOT to get clean but to please a some GIRL! Waste of money. Immature. You deserve a new focus in your life. Your son is not a kid and you cant help him anymore. But you can make your own life better. You can only control yourself.

    I hope you can try hard to put yourself first. Your son needs to grow up and get clean but that is on him, not you.

    Love and light!!
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2018
  5. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    WOW.. Thanks for this. When I read this it hit home for me. I know I worry about mine too much. He makes his own problems. How to figure out how to step further back without him feeling abandoned. Or maybe that doesn't matter. I don't know.

    Tringtobe strong. He is really manipulating the heck out of you.
    Good luck.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Tired.

    My take is the last thing our sons are going to feel in relation to us is abandoned. I think these guys know they are unconditionally loved. That is their problem. They don't want to let it go. Somehow in their minds, growing up means they have to give up mother love. They are right. Growing up and acting like a man, means that you do act from your own center not from that of their mother. I think that is why reassurance from us does not have a good effect. It keeps them hooked. Love is not about keeping attached. It is about love. We can love them as grown up men. Wouldn't that be great?

    If you are worried about YOU FEELING LIKE YOU ARE ABANDONING HIM, that is a different thing all together. You could tell him. I am pulling back, because that is what is good for you right now. Know that I love you with all my heart. And pull back.

    I think my hovering and breast beating only made things worse. I am not saying you do that. I do. But pulling back is not abandonment. My g-d they are men, not babies.
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2018
  7. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    Close the bank. Period. No self-pay. Not your problem. If he has to find a park to sleep in tough. Maybe he'll learn to follow rules for check in. His relapse. His cost not yours.

    Did you tell this rehab that you dont have the money? I find it hard to believe that they are not encouraging you to detach. What kind of rehab encourages co-dependence? Tell them that you are detaching and he has to do this in his own. Period.

    Who is it who thinks there's no underlying mental illness? Your son? Who believes that?

    Obsessive behavior. Is this really the only thing he's obsessive about?
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  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    He doesn't care whether or not it is normal. And even if he did, he is indifferent to whether he controls it or not. If he cared, he wouldn't drink to excess.

    Trying. I will be direct. You are making excuses for him and babying him. This is not good for him and it is not good for you. The goal is that you and your well-being and your feelings be the center of your life. And let him feel his own center, and that he is in charge and responsible for that. He needs to be master of him and you need to be master of you. This is what will help him. And this is what will help you.

    Your worrying about him will not help him make better choices. His worrying about him will.
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  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Trying to be strong, please read what you wrote above (I added the bolding). He doesn't want to be sober. Period. You would just be throwing away your money.

    Let him finally experience the consequences of his choices. As long as you rescue him, he will never have any reason to change.

    I asked my daughter the other day what was different about the last rehab/sober living situation that it finally worked. Her answer was, "I was just tired of living like that."

    Until your son is tired of living the life of an addict, NOTHING you do will change him.

  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thats EXACTLY what MY daughter meant when she quit and said "Its too hard."
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  11. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Yikes.. I never stepped back and looked at it that way before, YOU are right! (who needs a therapist? when we have this board full of honest people who have been down the road already). As long as I keep catching him he doesn't hit bottom. A lot of us a "guilty" of catching them too long.

    Amen! I do it too. We have to stop. Mine is only 21 BUT I don't want him to be 30 still pulling the same bologna!
    He needs to get with the program--literally!

    So true. I know you want his life to be easier (I want the same for mine) it gives you peace of mind to think you are helping (I do too) but I think he will get better faster if you make him take reap the consequences.

    I hope he really wakes up soon!
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree. HE has to be sick and tired of the life. He needs it to be BAD, really BAD to want to change.

    We want to make them comfortable because we feel sorry for them because we know they are struggling and it eases our own guilt.

    I cannot stress enough the need to DETACH and let HIM feel the consequences.

    Like an article someone posted here not long ago, often it's the families of the addict that PROLONG the addiction. I do believe that. I think that rang true in our case also.

    It's hard to hear but if ONE PERSON can learn from what we did right or wrong, hallelujah!
  13. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree with what everone said both that we need to stop catching them and detach and also that it is difficult and that many of us hang on too long. My son is 36 it is time. when i think of what i was doing at 36 and what his younger brothers are doing on their own when one is 5 years younger and one 10 years younger. I think it is me and my insecurities holding him back. I also think i am closer to my bottom than him.
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  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Tried. Please do not take this on yourself. We are all going down this hard road. If your son had been prospering or even doing OK you would not feel insecure. You feel insecure because there are huge problems and there have been huge problems for a long time--that do not go away.

    Same with me.

    Your insecurities are NOT holding him back. He is held back by factors in him, whether behaviors, attitudes, addictions, habits, vices, mental health issues, circumstances, character, etc. This is true of almost all of our adult children who bring us here. You have tried and tried. This has made you feel desperate and ineffective. This is a normal reaction to this situation. We all of us, feel this way.

    You have neglected yourself having put all of your energies, efforts and your locus of control in him. Your insecurity is because of this. How could anybody feel stable and strong if they locate their power in somebody else, over whom they have no control? There is no way.

    This is what has to change. You be in charge of you. He is in charge of him. It is hard but doable. Once you take back yourself, your energy, your attention to yourself and focus on what you need, what you can do that is fun, rewarding, relaxing, healthy, etc., you will feel worlds better.
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  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your other boys are doing well. This is not on you. This is on him. Some struggling adults have a hard time due to disabilities untreated and some just make poor choices causing their own problems. We didnt teach them to not work or take drugs or break the law. Copa is so right. Take care of YOU. And let him take care of himself.

    After a certain age these adult kids are picking their own poison and it has nothing to do with us, their childhoods, how long we try to help them, or anything/anyone but them alone. And only they can decide to do the hard work to get out of the mess they find themselves in.

    RN's son had been in many rehabs until he finally decided to change his life. His parents were great support, as you would be if you could see your son changing his mindset for the good. In the end, although RN was fantastic, her son alone made good decisions and changed. And what a change!

    I have been on this board forever. RN's son is just the latest example of a man on a rocky path who turned it all around. And I have seen many stories like his. Troubled people change every single day, every minute.

    Your son is not this way because of you. Never ever blame anything you do to try to help. You are not causing this!

    Your son holds the power to change his life. But loving him a lot and worrying about him did NOT hold him back. He is the one doing that...and I have read about very hardcore adults turning around.

    So dont blame you and no matter how bleak it seems now, never give up hope. The sun can and does break through the darkest of clouds. Dont think it cant happen.

    Love and light!!
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    Last edited: Nov 30, 2018
  16. Update.... they would not admit him on Wed. because it was after their cut off time... He could have went earlier using an uber and chose not to.
    Thursday he went and then forgot something and they left him go back for it.... Supposedly fell asleep and missed the cut off time again so went drinking.
    Friday lost something very important at a bar and was frantically trying to find it delaying going to treatment. I lost it. I called the treatment place and they told me he had to be there by 10 or that was it since he had 2 days to get there prior...
    I called him and told him if he doesn't get there by the time stated that we were totally finished with him. He is there now.
    Called today to ask if it was true that the new girl wants not parts of him.... he couldn't remember what took place the last few days...
    My heart breaks.. I see pics of mothers and their sons laughing and I long to have that again.
    He mentioned the other day that he would consider sober living this time.
    I am torn because we are not sure what to do about his apartment and belongings. The lease has my name on it and it goes until the middle of April. Breaking the lease requires paying 2 months rent.
    I feel sober living would be the best move for him so he would have support around him instead of being alone in his apartment. Average stay is 3 months at the sober living but some stay longer. IF the lease doesn't get broken, then if he doesn't like sober living he has a place to go which makes me feel he could just get fed up and leave sober living. If the apartment is gone, he would be homeless.
    Any thoughts on what to do? Break the lease or not?
  17. Smithmom

    Smithmom Active Member

    I would break the lease if he can't pay for it while he's gone. Pay the 2 mo penalty and never co- sign for him again. Move his stuff out. Pay 3 mo storage on it. Thats it. He either claims it in 3 mo or loses it. Maybe a couple mo more if he is in sober living at end of 3 mo. But this is all on him. Why are you bailing him out? I think you're still protecting him from cost of relapse.

    Bailing him out hasn't helped yet why keep doing it?
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    OK this is my take.....I think you know that going back alone to the apartment alone is a set up for him to relapse again. I dont think that is a good idea. He will need the support. From what you have said your son at least to some extent wants to some sobriety but he cant do it alone he needs support, but the addiction will keep telling him he can do it on his own..... so I think going back to the apartment is a bad idea. And I think having it as a back up plan if he doesnt like sober living is a set up for him to not make the sober living work.

    So yes I would cut the losses and break the lease. You can always get a storage unit for his belongings.

    That way if he is in sober living and doesnt like it..... then his choice is to make it work or to be homeless. From things you have said your son might really make it work. Now my son never did..... and he has been homeless (and survived that and somehow made that work).

    But I do think your sons best chance is to have some good support after he is back in rehab. Living alone with no support is not a good option.

  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You cite no reason to keep the apartment. I would cut it loose.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Trying. All of the behaviors of your son seem consistent with alcoholism. I would put all of my motivation onto giving him no out, at least on your dime.
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2018