Feel like vomiting... just trying to get through the day (prostitution)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Aug 18, 2011.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Daughter is on the streets again. Lost her job, lost her 2nd roommate (within 2 months). My mom has been giving her the rent money, mainly just trying to keep her indoors and not in our houses, but even that didn't work. Her slothing around, tempers and ickyness were too much for both of the people she stayed with. And this last month mom gave her the money and she didn't pay her roommate. Then she shacked up with some guy at a hotel and stole $1500 dollars from him. Within 24 hours she had spent some of it, rented a hotel, and had it stolen from her.

    So. Now she wants to move back with us. Denied that, we are horrible people. Do we want her out sleeping with people for a place to stay? Do we not care about her? What kind of rotten parents would do something like this to a kid? Who would do this?

    We've been tortured with phone calls, accusations and horrible things have been said. Even though I know she's trying to defer her own responsibilities and consequences onto us, it still hurts. Bad. None of it feels normal. None of it feels right. No, denying your own child a place in your home doesn't feel good. And when they decide to be reckless, it makes it even harder. But I have other children and us to consider. I feel selfish, though.

    I'm just so SAD. So very sad. I feel sick. Today I found out that she's been posting ads on Craigslist (and some derivative of), to exchange sex for money. All I had to do was google her phone number and found a slew of ads, local and not, of her. Some had her own pictures, some had someone who looked like her. The most recent one was for August 1st when she got kicked out.

    My... hopefulness factor has just pretty much sunk to an all time low. Maybe I'm in shock, but I pretty much figure her dead, and me having to bury her sometime in the next few years. She has no drive to create a future. None. She's living as if she will die. She wants to die. And there's nothing I can do besides pray. There is no help. None. When people say "call the police if someone is suicidal" -- doesn't work. I live in a "progressive" city of political-correctness and the mental health system is for poo.

    I'm just venting, I guess. I'm so tired of the helplessness. Of watching the shell of a loved one degrade and abuse themselves. It is heart wrenching.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Bean I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom, just a lot of understanding and support.

  3. keista

    keista New Member

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, Bean. It's a horrible position to be in. And I know you're terrified for her, and for yourself.

    You are *not* a horrible person. You are *not* selfish. It takes incredible strength to say no to your daughter under such circumstances, and you are doing what is best for all of you, even if it's incredibly painful and seems unbearable. Please know that you are doing the right thing, and that none of this is your fault. I know that you know that deep inside, but I want you to read it here as well.

    Can you get to an Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Families Anonymous meeting today, or soon? I think you need to circle all your support wagons right now.

    I'm sending up prayers for you and your daughter.
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh, Bean, sendng huge hugs. Please know you're not alone. We are all here for you. And there's nothing selfish about what you are doing.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.
  7. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry. I know it feels like your fault and your responsibilty, but none of it is. I think that's what's so hard- to watch them self-destruct and not be able to do anything. Sending positive thoughts your way. Hope your burden lightens soon!
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry. I really am. I know it feels like she can never turn this around and come out the other side. I want to let you know that your fears may or may not be real. She may never turn around but then again, she may get tired of what she is doing and she may turn it around. I know people may not believe me when I say I have done so many of these things but I have. I tried prostitution simply because I thought it sounded like fun. Yeah how stupid was that? Is that a difficult child or what?

    I think its pretty obvious though that I got my life together and changed my younger and dumber ways. (well if you dont count my in law drama...lol)
  9. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thanks Janet. I don't want to feel hopeless, but you know, I'm going through those stages. Find out something, need to digest it. I'm still digesting. I feel like someone's broken my arm, it heals a bit, then they keep coming back to re-break it. Over and over. I know I shouldn't be giving her that kind of power. I just feel myself spiraling. Hopefully tomorrow's a better day.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Oh, bean I'm so very very sorry.

    I'll keep her in my prayers.

  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Have you considered telling her you can no longer have her in your life?
    She causes too much worry and pain for you and your family. If she is going to live such a risky life, maybe she should do it without involving those that love her.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending understanding thoughts and hugs your way. I haven't been there done that but I do know the anguish that comes from having poor choice making and dysfunctional adults to cope with. I have no answers to offer except that I would suggest that you not check into her choice on the net. To me that just adds to the anguish and fear. More hugs. DDD
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon. Lots of gentle hugs.

    I don't have an adult child... But I know how I feel, how helpless and nauseous and frightened, when O does something else to mess up her future.

    You're right to not let her come back... I know it feels horrible. I do know that. But she needs to be responsible for herself... You gave her the opportunity to learn how to use the tools, now she needs to step up and do it.
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Sending caring and supportive hugs, wishing you a peaceful day.
  15. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thank you all so very much. I've been going over the serenity prayer in my head over and over. It brought me some peace this morning.

    She has decided to move to a bigger city about an hour away, one she's been to before (twice, as an "adult" but also as a runaway). She claims she has a shelter set up there and is going to work, and get clean and a whole lot of other things. I'm getting that she's fleeing her problems here and has a flop house lined up there, and in her delusional mind thinks that she'll be able to make work there what she is unable to do here.

    Either way, I need to let it go. And yeah, maybe take a clean-cut break from her (hard, hard, hard). If I knew she was safe, I would welcome that. If she was in tx or something. But I have a bit of PTSD, I think, from her prior visits to this city (gangraped, on drugs, stinking... just not good) that make it hard to get past those memories.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I will be praying bean. Praying hard. I hope what happened to me happens to her. I finally met someone who felt I was better than what I was doing to myself and simply said stop. And I did.
  17. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry. I can't imagine your pain. Praying she stays safe until she decides to change.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry Bean. You so do not deserve to go through all of the pain that she is dragging you through. I think that the suggestion to tell her that you simply cannot have her in your life right now, and not until she is clean, sober and living a much different life, is an excellent idea. Most of what she says to you is nothing but manipulation, designed to make you do what she wants an to get you to support the unhealthy lifestyle that she has chosen.

    I know that this will be hard to hear, but chances are VERY high that even when your mom was paying her rent and she had a place to live and a job for those months, she was still trading sex for money/drugs. Chances are it has been going on fairly constantly since you pulled her out of that other city where she was so sick and had a pimp and was so messed up. It would be pretty rare for her to have stopped it completely with-o a heck of a lot of therapy and help. She is also probably addicted to substances that you and I wouldn't even know where to go to get, and that she has been much of this time.

    You have some choices. You can continue to take her calls, listen to her abuse, beg her to get help, rescue her when she gets really really bad off the way she was in the other city, and stay on this conflama and pain merry go round. You can tell her that you have had enough and when she is clean and sober and working as a contributing member of society then you will consider having a relationship with her, but until then she is not to call or contact you for anything. Or you can try to find a way to only know a "little' about her life and still be in contact - in which case she will still continue to berate you and manipulate you and get you to give her money and things and she will still expect you to rescue her when she is so terribly sick because of her lifestyle choices.

    I know it is hard. I am the LAST one to tell you that you must do one thing or the other. I am just trying to show you the choices. Heck, I am still wanting a relationship with my parents even after all the pain and conflama we have had with them. It hurts. Someday it won't hurt so bad, but it will likely not be a day that is very soon.

    I do think you need to take a long hard look at how this is affecting your other kids and what messages it is sending to them. Whatever you decide, I hope and pray that your pain lessens and that you have support from a therapist and from alanon and/or narcanon. I am sure that somewhere there is a group to support parents of young people who have chosen prostitution, and maybe looking for that would also help.

    Please try to find at least a few minutes each day to enjoy something. We all need that.
  19. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Lots of sympathy for you. I somewhat know how you feel, my daughter has done this as well although in her case she has let men "trick her out" (which is how she puts it in her street talk). That way she can blame the guy for forcing her into it, even though she voluntarily put herself into the guy's power with her eyes wide open.
  20. Bean

    Bean Member

    Yes, this is true. Her roommate mentioned something of that nature. Her postings are/were frequent enough and she'd answer the ads, so... yeah. I wouldn't doubt it. Can't tell you how many times she's said we were "forcing" her to prostitute herself. I'm SO glad my mom didn't rent her a hotel room the other day. It was a good step for her. If she wants to live that lifestyle, she'll have to do it on her own. I agree, too, with-o some help and therapy, the odds of her being able to break out of this pattern are not good. I agree as well that the chances that she's addicted to something else (beyond alcohol) are pretty good.

    I fear that my daughter might burn every bridge there is with her brothers if this continues. If I know about it, it isn't long before they might figure it out. Or maybe they know. No clue.

    It's really hard for me to stomach, to forget, to get beyond. I can do OK for 75% of the day and then it hits me. My daughter sells herself for money. My daughter is out there doing that for money. Willingly. OK. Gotta get my mind off it...