Finding balance between boundaries, freedom, and consequences

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gpho, Jul 26, 2019.

  1. gpho

    gpho New Member

    Hi, First Post here.
    My son has been angry at us for a while. He blames us for his issues and takes little responsibility to do the work to heal. Recently, he went into my bedroom, took a gun my bedroom dresser, figured out the code on the trigger lock and took it into his room. He put a magazine of dummy rounds in it (he knows the real from the fake and chose the fake though the real ones were right next to it). I discovered it was gone by accident, and when I retrieved it, he stated he "did it to make a point". It took me awhile, but I realized that he had really violated my trust.
    The lock codes have been changed to something he will not be able to guess, I made sure there was nothing else left out and accessible, but he has a other weapons he's created (through welding, building, etc.), and a small collection of pocket knives in his room. On the one hand, it seems logical to confiscate all of them because of the trust violation. Yet something in me hesitates, and I don't know why.
    This is the first major issue that has come up, but things have been brewing for a while...
     
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  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    This scares me a lot. I don't know why you are hesitating. Take all his weapons.

    I don't know how old he is, but if he is of age I would make him leave. If you feel guilty doing that pay for six months or a year in an apartment, but the idea of these types of kids and guns sounds dangerous. Forget about his trust, which he already violated. Think about how our disturbed kids get emotional, impulsive, and even dangerous in a short blink of time. I would be terrified if Kay had a gun and knew how to use it.

    Be well.
     
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    How old is your son? You mentioned that he made weapons by welding. Does he have enough activities, like welding, etc. going on in his life that would keep him busy and less likely to get in trouble? I always say idle hands and too much spare time are the fastest ways to get yourself in trouble. Too much boredom and free time cause us to lose ourselves in our emotions. It's good to fill that time with work, activities, healthy hobbies, etc. If he likes welding and building things, great. He needs to use this skill in a productiive manner. Classes, welding clubs, etc.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    And what point was that? That he can kill you?That he can be master?That he is superior and dominant and can't be touched? That he is in control?

    You don't describe his issues, other than he is angry at you and blames you. Is there a psychiatric diagnosis?

    I would take him to a psychiatrist immediately, to be evaluated for risk of harm to self or others. The cache of arms is frightening. This is how school shootings start.

    Has he been violent before? Does he threaten you or others? Does he have suicidal thoughts or does he have thoughts of harming others, or has he made threats?

    These are questions a psychiatrist will ask and find answer to.

    I take this very seriously. I can't guess what is holding you back. Personally, I would take all weapons of any kind out of the home. If he is 18 or over I would tell him either the weapons leave or he does.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 26, 2019
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I agree with taking him to be mentally evaluated.
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I am not sure that even a mental health evaluation can tell you if he would harm anyone. An opinion is subjective. It is no guarantee. Our kids are wonderful actors when seeing psychiatrists. Kay was forced to see a psychologist once when she was in high school and she charmed him!
    ;
    My husband and son love to hunt and we also have a gun for protection. But everything is locked away and the passwords to get to them are nothing anyone would ever be able to guess. Kay has thrown glass at us. That was scary enough. Please take care of yourselves.

    I think staying busy is a great idea for kids under, say under 16, but adults should have enough control to be able to rest without activity and still not get into trouble. Most of us have quiet times and do not look for guns or violate the law.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2019
  7. gpho

    gpho New Member

    Copabanana, thank you for turning the lights on for me. This is the first time he has done this. We did call the crisis hotline, and they came and talked to him and us. However, as BusynMember said, my kid is supremely good at spinning things so he appears clear and concise, and then putting the blame on us. The social workers seemed to have gotten snowed, and unfortunately, I wasn't surprised. But at least we put down a boundary. We are actually looking at sending him out of state to a boarding school with counseling focus so he can be away from the family as well as work on getting through his anger. He has 2 more years of high school left to complete.
    Thank you so much for your input!!
     
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  8. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    I agree with the statements above that your son seems to have some serious problems that could turn dangerous. I don't think that every counselor, social worker, psychologist will be snowed by your son. Make sure that you write down the things your son says and what his behaviors have been that are beyond the norm so you can share with them. I know you want to do whatever you can to help your son. At this point I do not think that it would be a bad idea to place him in some type of residential treatment. You have not said why he is so angry. We all hate to think that our child could do something to hurt us or someone else but it does happen and it is not our fault. Hopefully you can frame his move as a place he can go to get away from what is making him so angry.
     
  9. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Welcome,

    I hope that you take everyone’s advice and be very cautious. This sounds and is very serious. Finding him some good help is definitely a good idea. I recall my youngest son having to take court ordered anger management classes and unfortunately he was angry to have to do that. It was like pulling teeth to get him out of bed and to these scheduled meetings. In fact we were both angry every time I drove him there. It was frustrating and likely not as in depth as to what you’re looking into. He didn’t benefit because he just went thru the motions. My son then got more into drinking and drugs until he decided to join the Marine Corp. we had one very proud year that I will never forget but after being medically discharged all his anger partying and drugs returned along with PTSD and anxiety.

    I guess in retrospect I wished we had figured out what he needed at 16 years old because now he’s 26 and is homeless, doesn’t work, etc. and disconnected in many ways unable and unwilling to make changes and take care of himself.

    It doesn’t get easier and once they’re 18 our hands are virtually tied as parents to really have input and or know what’s going on with mental health and the like due to the privacy act.

    I hope you find him the help he needs and that he’s a willing participant.
     
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