Hi- thank you all. My son age 37 lives with me. My wife left in 2012 for a myriad of reasons, one of which this guy is an expert at dividing-- (and I dont mean arithmetic). We had been married 31 yrs. I dont blame him, but he didn't help. He was a nurse and working at a hospital- but unknown to any of us he was stealing drugs and got caught. He called and said, "the hospital has a furlough and my lease is up and they will probably move me to another hospital and so I am hesitant to sign a lease here- in case they assign me somewhere 50 miles away can I move in for a short time." Of course we believed him-and said "of course."
He had previously attempted suicide (he says) when he was discovered to be gay at a university that will kick you out of school if that is the case. When he moved in, I discovered he was a liar and manipulator.
This was about 2010- I was in a car accident and broke my neck. I've had 3 spine surgeries since.
I remarried a couple years later- she left me about 2 weeks ago because he is still here. I had rented him a room for 18 months and told him to get a job. My other son and daughter and I met- and we all pitched in to send him to rehab. He had developed a huge methadone habit and had been injecting benadryl---in his femoral vein- (in his groin) so that no one would see the needle marks. I hate taking one benadryl- and can't imagine injecting it- but I would find hundreds of empty capsules in the bathroom and he always had some excuse. When I found the bloody syringe I knew what was up. So he went to rehab. I insisted he get a job- he did at a grocery store but his legs were causing him pain and he had to have emergency surgery- lost that job. After he recovered and during his recovery - I demanded he get another job.
He did at an airline as flight attendant. He was found in a hotel room on the other side of the US- unresponsive and near death. It turns out- his femoral artery was dissolved. The blood was going into his leg causing a very painful compartment syndrome. He was in the University of Minnesota hospital for 2 months following an artery replacement from a cadaver. He arrives home with an incision from his belt line to his knee- that was open to the bone and packed with the dressings and this foam stuff from a wound vac. They said it has to heal from 2nd intention--from the inside because as I learned- the outside heals faster. I took him to a wound clinic and they would use this long saw blade and just like slicing a loaf of bread they would cut from top to bottom- with back and forth strokes and trim off all the extra skin and tissue growing to close the wound----no anesthesia- he had to tough it out.
Needless to say- this got his addiction going again- and he went to the methadone clinic. He is healed now- this was 3 yrs ago- it took a good 18 months to heal. SO wife left, because he is here doing nothing, we had no privacy or intimacy because the walls had ears so to speak. She left because I would do nothing.
The threats of suicide and the attempt - I just feel like he would kill himself- so I have treaded lightly and been effectively emasculated by my wife- "why dont' you do anything"----
He lied to her and said the house was really his because I got behind in payments and he paid them---which is a lie. She believed him and to this day she says "I know you dont do anything because he owns the house or he saved it for you"----and even showing her on the deed which has my name (and hers)----NOT HIS- she doesn't believe it. (she is from a latin country and I met her online).
So, part of her coming back is dependent on him being gone. I told him many times over the past year. I told him to apply for disabiility-- he said he did. So I said to him 6-8 months ago to leave and he said "at least give me time for my disability to come- and I called social security- they said it takes 6 months so I assumed OK-- anytime." I had asked him countless times, "are you sure you finished and sent the application in"---yes dad. It was a lie.
Other times he told me had full blown aids. He did it in a strange way- we were alone in the house and he summoned me to the washer and dryer- (kind of out of the way) and whispered it to me. I believed him. A lie.
He told me he had some kind of atrial fib thing. yes it was a fib. My mom had it and they burned some nerve in her heart---and his nursing- is how he learned that. "How can you kick me out when I have to have heart surgery".
He told me he has cancer.
So the other day when he asked for methadone (I have 3 a day prescribed for my own back and neck pain) 30mg is my dose. His is 140mg day. He blows thru his take homes (they give him a weeks worth) in a few days and then is in withdrawals. He steals mine, he rifles thru my things, and if my wife knew- she would have left and never came back. She did it anyway.
So when he asked for methadone AGAIN--I said "you absolutely have to leave"- he said, "give me time, I have a new job I am starting"- (its always what he thinks I want to hear) and I said, "this is past waiting for and trusting you--my wife LEFT"----he said "why do you want to kick me out and just make your problems worse"- and i said, "it wont make my problems worse" to which he replied, "I will just shoot myself- I want to do it and the only reason I dont is my family- and if that happens I will lose my family so have no reason to live."
There is no family relationships. Addiction is the great destroyer of worlds- not nuclear weapons. nuclear weapons do it quickly and painlessly (if you are in the blast) and addiction does it one person or one family at a time.
So, I realized when he said that- I was ill prepared. I need to go see the police, and talk to a social worker- and I know hospitals have them so maybe I can just go to the hospital and see if one willl talk to me.
I have no doubt others have gone thru this- and I hope I can get some direction. I want him well- but if he chooses to do nothing- then I want my life and wife back. When I help him more than he helps him, we have a big problem.
Thank you all for reading this or responding to it. I am very grateful for any direction or advice I can get.
He had previously attempted suicide (he says) when he was discovered to be gay at a university that will kick you out of school if that is the case. When he moved in, I discovered he was a liar and manipulator.
This was about 2010- I was in a car accident and broke my neck. I've had 3 spine surgeries since.
I remarried a couple years later- she left me about 2 weeks ago because he is still here. I had rented him a room for 18 months and told him to get a job. My other son and daughter and I met- and we all pitched in to send him to rehab. He had developed a huge methadone habit and had been injecting benadryl---in his femoral vein- (in his groin) so that no one would see the needle marks. I hate taking one benadryl- and can't imagine injecting it- but I would find hundreds of empty capsules in the bathroom and he always had some excuse. When I found the bloody syringe I knew what was up. So he went to rehab. I insisted he get a job- he did at a grocery store but his legs were causing him pain and he had to have emergency surgery- lost that job. After he recovered and during his recovery - I demanded he get another job.
He did at an airline as flight attendant. He was found in a hotel room on the other side of the US- unresponsive and near death. It turns out- his femoral artery was dissolved. The blood was going into his leg causing a very painful compartment syndrome. He was in the University of Minnesota hospital for 2 months following an artery replacement from a cadaver. He arrives home with an incision from his belt line to his knee- that was open to the bone and packed with the dressings and this foam stuff from a wound vac. They said it has to heal from 2nd intention--from the inside because as I learned- the outside heals faster. I took him to a wound clinic and they would use this long saw blade and just like slicing a loaf of bread they would cut from top to bottom- with back and forth strokes and trim off all the extra skin and tissue growing to close the wound----no anesthesia- he had to tough it out.
Needless to say- this got his addiction going again- and he went to the methadone clinic. He is healed now- this was 3 yrs ago- it took a good 18 months to heal. SO wife left, because he is here doing nothing, we had no privacy or intimacy because the walls had ears so to speak. She left because I would do nothing.
The threats of suicide and the attempt - I just feel like he would kill himself- so I have treaded lightly and been effectively emasculated by my wife- "why dont' you do anything"----
He lied to her and said the house was really his because I got behind in payments and he paid them---which is a lie. She believed him and to this day she says "I know you dont do anything because he owns the house or he saved it for you"----and even showing her on the deed which has my name (and hers)----NOT HIS- she doesn't believe it. (she is from a latin country and I met her online).
So, part of her coming back is dependent on him being gone. I told him many times over the past year. I told him to apply for disabiility-- he said he did. So I said to him 6-8 months ago to leave and he said "at least give me time for my disability to come- and I called social security- they said it takes 6 months so I assumed OK-- anytime." I had asked him countless times, "are you sure you finished and sent the application in"---yes dad. It was a lie.
Other times he told me had full blown aids. He did it in a strange way- we were alone in the house and he summoned me to the washer and dryer- (kind of out of the way) and whispered it to me. I believed him. A lie.
He told me he had some kind of atrial fib thing. yes it was a fib. My mom had it and they burned some nerve in her heart---and his nursing- is how he learned that. "How can you kick me out when I have to have heart surgery".
He told me he has cancer.
So the other day when he asked for methadone (I have 3 a day prescribed for my own back and neck pain) 30mg is my dose. His is 140mg day. He blows thru his take homes (they give him a weeks worth) in a few days and then is in withdrawals. He steals mine, he rifles thru my things, and if my wife knew- she would have left and never came back. She did it anyway.
So when he asked for methadone AGAIN--I said "you absolutely have to leave"- he said, "give me time, I have a new job I am starting"- (its always what he thinks I want to hear) and I said, "this is past waiting for and trusting you--my wife LEFT"----he said "why do you want to kick me out and just make your problems worse"- and i said, "it wont make my problems worse" to which he replied, "I will just shoot myself- I want to do it and the only reason I dont is my family- and if that happens I will lose my family so have no reason to live."
There is no family relationships. Addiction is the great destroyer of worlds- not nuclear weapons. nuclear weapons do it quickly and painlessly (if you are in the blast) and addiction does it one person or one family at a time.
So, I realized when he said that- I was ill prepared. I need to go see the police, and talk to a social worker- and I know hospitals have them so maybe I can just go to the hospital and see if one willl talk to me.
I have no doubt others have gone thru this- and I hope I can get some direction. I want him well- but if he chooses to do nothing- then I want my life and wife back. When I help him more than he helps him, we have a big problem.
Thank you all for reading this or responding to it. I am very grateful for any direction or advice I can get.
