First one then the other..... warning long

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jul 5, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    wm has been, well let's just say a PITA. He's been angry, rude & outright ugly to those who love him most.

    As hard as it it for parents to get help for their difficult children, that same community of difficult children is quite small & well acquainted with each other. Through hospitalizations, RTCs, respite care, Special Education, etc, etc, etc. It's amazing how many kids have talked of wm to kt & vice versa. None of it pretty from either end.

    In the meantime, wm has been spreading some pretty awful stories about his twin in the community. Things are ugly AND that set me off when wm called after I refused to speak with him for 2 days because I had to calm down.

    wm called me yesterday - no "hi mom, how are things?" For 3 months it's been "mom, by birthday is coming up - here's what I want." And it changes each & every time.

    I lost it yesterday. Simply lost it & yelled at my son over the phone. He tried to hang up & I called & asked to have wm put back on the phone ~ foster mum backed me up & told me wm would not be hanging up on me. I reminded wm of the lack of even a card or a phone call on Mother's day or my birthday or Christmas. I told him that he needed to listen to how I feel for once. My feelings were hurt & that I was tired of being treated like nothing more than a taxi driver to a restaurant or a delivery person of gifts that he turns around & sells anyway.

    "But mom, I'm sad - dad's dead."

    "wm have you ever asked how I feel? Do you know that I lost the man I loved for over 20 years? Do you know the void, the pain I feel as well? You're not the only one hurting. I have to live life with-o being a jerk to those around me. I have to continue to maintain even though I hurt - I expect the same of you. If you cannot maintain, you excuse yourself. You do the right thing."

    I'm tired of hearing how emotionally immature he is - he is 15 now & I expect him to begin acting like one. I expect him to take others into consideration - the world does not revolve around him.

    I ended the conversation telling wm that he did not want to be on my "list" as that's a very ugly place to be. wm knows me to be a gentle, loving & quiet but firm mom. He doesn't ever expect me to talk in this manner nor did he like what I had to say to him.

    Foster mum called me later - I asked her if I was now on her list. "No Linda, you're just backing up what I've been trying to tell wm all along. You've become more verbal & have used much stronger language that wm has come to expect from you & I think that's good for him." She warned me that I would be hearing from all the professionals - ask me if I care anymore.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. It is a tough thing to handle I am sure. Why is he spreading lies about his twin? Does he hate her, or maybe just hate that she is home? It is NO EXCUSE for his behavior.

    You are VERY right to insist that he behave better. He will be a legal adult in a very short time. If you do not insist NOW, he may not ever develop the needed skills to function around people who are not paid to deal with him. No matter how much people love you, they won't put up with this garbage forever.

    I am so glad you have a foster mom who backs you up. If he was with someone who continually excused his behavior because he is "immature" then he might never grow out of it.

    As for the lies, I would be sure he didn't get anything on his list. Simply because his is spreading terrible, ugly and dangerous lies. If someone believes his lies they could end up putting kt in danger from someone who wanted to "protect" wm from her. There are idiotic teen girls everywhere and they do stupid things to help boys, esp ones who treat them horribly.

    I hope and pray that kt is not harmed by his lies. Even knowing he is mentally ill doesn't make it better. Let her know that she is loved by many, and anyone who believe this garbage IS garbage.

    Keep on demanding better behavior out of wm. I hope the "professionals" are experienced enough to see that wm needs to have better behavior demanded from him, and NOT have his behavior excused for any reason.

    Hugs to you, I know this is such a hard time.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Do you know what that means? It sounds almost like a threat?

  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Suz, yup I agree ~ sounds like a threat. Saying that, I'm beyond caring. My children having taken me down as far as I can go. (More realistically, I've allowed all the "antics" & such take me down.) There's little more hurt or humiliation that can be thrown my way.

    If the professionals decide to take action & take wm away (doubt anyone would want him or adopt him) then that's fine.

    I doubt foster mum will pass our little conversation along; wm surely will act the "poor little orphan" & I'll hear about that. Just beyond caring. I love the little twit, I deserve respect if not a loving parent/child relationship.

    AND I have credibility within the professional community. I most likely will have "let them down". Oh well.
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Linda- Duckie was four when my father died. She would start every meal for the next year by saying, in an over-dramatic & wistful voice: "Papa died". Finally one day I had had enough and told her to stop. It had been excruciating for me to hear about my father's death every day especially when Duckie didn't really understand and was using my father's death to create drama and control the family's dinner conversation.

    I think you did the right thing. Wm is grieving, I'm sure, but he's also using husband's death as an excuse to act awfully toward others. It's not acceptable.

    And about the birthday thing... I just told Duckie that under the Christmas tree would be empty and nothing for her next birthday (in January!) if she didn't stop talking about it. I told her I was not her personal shopping service and wouldn't be taking orders any time soon. So I understand... and wm is acting at the level of my 8yo difficult child. I hope he gets the joke that their is reciprocity in life and starts to show that he values you and kt more. That could be a way he could make his grief over husband's death mean something.

  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I don't understand why wm is spreading rumors about kt. Perhaps it's an attention grabber, or a way to make him feel the better person. Not sure. What do the docs think is the reasoning behind this distasteful new situation?

    "Bring on the professionals"!!!!! I can't see where any of them would have a negative word to say about you holding wm responsible for his action and lack of action. You are a warrior mom of the highest caliber.

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's sad wm is spreading rumors about kt.

    I think you did the right thing with wm. He needs to hear that he isn't the center of the universe (can't imagine my difficult child and wm ever meeting-they are a lot alike in the respect that they think the world revolves around them). Hugs to you. I have that McDonalds song going through my head right now. "You deserve a break today..."
  8. Jeppy

    Jeppy New Member

    It sounds like your wm is in the midst of what my family counselor called
    "adolescent egocentrism", only with difficult child's like everything else it seems to be more extreme.

    I've been thinking about the whole gift-giving thing myself after also not getting so much as a verbal "Happy Mother's Day" or anything for my birthday or Christmas, and it's not like my difficult child's grandma didn't remind him of these special days.

    There are adult family members who prefer not to exchange gifts; I'm thinking this is the way to go with my difficult child also? He does need to prepare for adulthood which involves mutuality.

    Other times I think I might get him something practical like clothing which he could use anyways rather than cash/electronics that he always asks for.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I think you did the right thing. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Just because he's in foster care doesn't mean you no longer have feelings. He can't live in a void.
    Best of luck.
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, as foster mom said - he needed to hear it. I hope the professionals all back you up when he plays the 'poor me' card!
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. I think you gave him a badly needed dose of reality. Sometimes life hoovers and it is not fair. That is just how it is. I do wonder if he is jelous of kt as she is able to live at home.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont get it...why would you be in trouble for giving him a well needed dose of reality? Are you expected to always be some sort of saint who never loses patience with these kids? That is totally unrealistic. They are lucky you dont strangle them.
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Janet, I think I've set unusually high standards for myself as the parent to the tweedles. I can no longer keep up nor sit on my feelings.

    I informed kt after she walked out of the house (PCA had left for the day) that while I still love her that I'm losing my ability to care if she "gets it" or not. This is totally up to her just like it's up to wm.

    A person can take just so much verbal & emotional abuse from a child before they stop caring. I love them - just don't like them that much. I find I'm putting a lot less effort into parenting.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2009
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Here's a thought to share with wm - using the death of a loved one as an excuse to behave badly is showing great disrespect for that person's memory. If anything, he should be making a greater effort to use every lesson in behavour he ever got from his dad. After all, there won't be any more of them so he really has to pull up his socks and make a decent effort. I agree - at 15, he has to begin to work hard at being a better person and working towards the adult he wants to become.

    Hang in there. I think you did a good thing.

  15. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Wouldn't it be wonderful if some of our kids could learn appropriate behaviors just as well as they can learn to be master manipulators?

    Bleech! to the professional(s).
  16. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Linda, I love the way Sharon put it -- "You are a warrior mom of the highest caliber." This is really one of the highest accolades you can receive, and you know the truth of it.

    You did great following your heart and your gut in speaking to your child. I really don't get why "professionals" would have a hard time with this. You are the expert.

    Rooting for you (I remember you from years ago and followed your posts while lurking. May I offer my condolences on the death of your husband).