Fix me, Mom Part II

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Jun 17, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I posted this on the other thread, but thought I'd start a new one. Mods, feel free to lock the other thread as to avoid any confusion.


    Wow. What a day.

    First, let me back up. I wish I could say this was teenage, hormonal junk, but it's not. She's done this off and on for years. It's just the subject matter that has changed. She has been making progress...or so I thought.

    We went to the mall and were having, I thought, a good time. While we were in the store Icing, we were at the counter waiting to purchase a pair of earrings for Wynter and she tells me that all of a sudden she just feels really sad, depressed. She doesn't know why...said it just came on all of a sudden. She didn't want to talk about it more than that. We walked around some more, left, stopped at DQ for some ice cream and came home.

    I went out to water and she went to take Jewel for a walk. She came back and stormed past me into the house and locked herself in her room.

    All hell broke loose.

    She wouldn't unlock her door. Told me she wasn't going to and I could ground her, she doesn't care. I then yelled and told her, "I am the Mom and you need to open this door right now, little girl!" (It scared me to have her locked in her room and be so angry out of the blue.) She did and she screamed and she yelled and she told me she doesn't care about me...her life is meaningless, she wishes she were dead, her life get the idea.

    It was like being run over by a truck. Just out of nowhere.

    I know she has chronic depression. I had no idea it had become this severe. How could I not know that? I know what depression is and what it looks like. I don't know how I missed this.

    She was so hysterical that I almost called for transport to the ER for an evaluation. The *only* thing that stopped me is that even though she says she wishes she were dead, she is not suicidal and I know they wouldn't admit her. She's already so treatment resistant that if I did that and she wasn't admitted, I'd never get anywhere with her.

    As she finally started to calm down, she did say that she has been thinking about therapy for the last couple of days, but she's still against it. That's really a moot point now, as far as I'm concerned.

    I had looked into day treatment about 18 months ago and had no luck finding anything that would take her. A few weeks ago I literally stumbled across a website for a local agency that sounds perfect. They offer outpatient and partial hospitalization - among other things. It looks like it might be tough to get her into the partial hospital as you have to exhaust a lot of other strategies first, but she fits a lot of the criteria, such as treatment resistant, psychiatric disorder, negative impact at school, etc.

    The only thing I'm concerned about is that they are not in my county. As they are a United Way provider, I don't know how that's going to work. I'll be calling them tomorrow. I hope they can still see us or at least point us to something comparable in my county. I know people have a lot of luck with county mental health, but ours leaves a lot to be desired.

    I'm absolutely drained. And I'm heartsick. I don't know how this could have become so severe and I not know it. I know the pain she is feeling. I'd give anything if I could take it from her.

    Please keep a good thought for my baby girl. Thank you.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I am keeping good thoughts and prayers for your baby girl and for her worried mom. You're doing everything you can. I hope this facility turns out to be a good fit and that you can easily work out the logistics.
    Thinking of you tonight and sending hugs xox ML
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I locked the first thread and am reposting my response here.

    Heather, please don't blame yourself. This is similar to how it was when my daughter A became so severely depressed. We knew she was anxious and sad, but one night she said she was so very sad that she wanted me to lie with her in bed until she fell asleep. In the dark she suddenly said, "I wish I were dead." Those words changed our lives. After she fell asleep, I sat in the bathroom with the door closed and sobbed for an hour. But the next morning, she was put on medication and things did improve after a while.

    You are right that when kids say they wish they were dead, they are not generally suicidal but rather expressing the utter helplessness and hopelessness they feel about their lives. But do keep a close watch on her and take some precautions like locking up prescription medications and sharps, just in case.

    You're not helpless. You're a strong mom who will get her baby help tomorrow. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

    I've never minded being a single parent. But, I have to say that I haven't felt this alone in a really long time.

    When they're little and they fall down you kiss it and make it better. No kisses will make this better.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Heather, I'm not a single parent, but the night A said she wished she were dead, husband was on a business trip across the country in California and tied up in a meeting so he didn't pick up his cell phone. I, too, felt very alone. If you are feeling alone tonight, please remember that we are all with you in spirit. Hugs.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry, Heather.
    She's not on anything right now? Since it came on so suddenly, I wonder if it's hormonal or biological ... has she kept a journal? Have you? Just wondering.
    Smallworld, that's neat that your daughter asked you to lie down with-her, even though she was so depressed. At least she expressed it to you.

    Wish I had something to offer besides hugs. {{{hugs}}}
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry you and Wynter have to go through this. How scary for both of you. My difficult child has had intrusive thoughts of self harm that come out of no where. They really scared him and me.

    If the United Way covers your county, I think it should work. I work for a state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that takes patients from many different counties. I don't know how United Ways work. Is there one in every county or are they regional? Anyway, you need to call them if that is what feels right for you. Rather have them say no than for you to assume a no and later find it would have been a 'yes'.

    It must be extremely difficult to be a difficult child teenager.

    I will be praying for you and Wynter. Is she calm now? Are you feeling stronger?
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}} Heather. You are not alone. I hope that Wynter will find her way out of her sadness.
  9. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sending good thoughts and best wishes your way. Hopefully the mood will lift and things will begin to look brighter. I hope the program you are investigating turns out to be a help.

  10. Big HUGS to both of you. I hope you are able to get Wynter into a program that can help her. I know your mommy heart must be hurting. Good luck getting her into the program.

  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Thank you all so much for your support. I just feel so sad tonight. I keep replaying the events of the last few weeks and I should have seen it. Hindsight is 20/20. I really thought what I was seeing was anxiety and some depression stemming from the anxiety, but I was really floored by tonight's events. It almost seemed surreal. I was just absolutely dumbfounded.

    And I had all of these thoughts running through my head. It really took me back to when I was her age. I wasn't much older than her when I had my first major depressive episode. And, you know, I desperately wanted someone to help me because I didn't know how to help myself, but I would have fought it tooth and nail, too. She's so much like me. She doesn't want anything to be wrong with her. She told me tonight that's why she doesn't want to do therapy. The thought of going makes her feel helpless. She is in so deep and is so young that she doesn't realize that it will empower her.

    I'm just going back now and second guessing myself. The tdocs always told me not to make her come if she didn't want to. They want a willing participant otherwise they know it's not going to be effective. But, something has to change. This isn't living for her. This is existing.

    Tonight is the night for me to feel sad, kick myself and lick my wounds. And throw up a time or two. Tomorrow I put on the armor, start making phone calls and finding services. I need to let myself grieve tonight.

    She has calmed down considerably. She's now back to her normal. After she calmed down, I left to go to the store to get some dog food. She didn't want to come with, but I told her that my shoulder is hurting (true) and that I would need help (I could have managed). I wasn't comfortable leaving her alone and I wanted to get her out of the house and have a bit of a distraction.

    Thank you so much for your support and for holding me up through this. I'm really leaning on you guys tonight.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Heather...Im so sorry. It hurts us when our kids hurt. We just want to fix it and make it better. I hope you are able to find someone that you can get her into quickly that she will mesh with. Even if she doesnt want to go at first, just going may be the step in the right direction. Maybe there will be some sort of group therapy program for girls her age. That might help her see she isnt alone.
  13. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Don't blame yourself. The worst thing you can do right now is try and find something to blame this on.

    All your attention needs to focus on doing what your daughter needs. You were so right to have her go with you last night. It appears things were calmed down considerably.

    She needs to see you as an ally here Heather. She needs her mom; her soft and secure place.

    Good luck today as you investigate and track down services. I hope you are able to find something she is willing to participate in.

  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Before the right medications, I could be in the middle of drinking a soda one minute, feeling fine, and within a few seconds be plunged into the deepest, most horrible depression without any warning. Thus is the curse of a mood disorder. I didn't ever feel it coming, it just did. One moment I'd be ok. The next, I'd be in mental agony.
    I take suicidal thoughts seriously in a depressed person because I was there. in my opinion it's dangerous not to. Is she on any medications because in mega-deep depressions, talking just isn't enough. And you feel so hopeless that you just give up. It's a medical problem--clinical depression. If I waited for it to go away, at least in my case as a teenager it could take a year or more. And even then I wasn't "right." Good luck to you and hugs to your daughter. This is very difficult.
  15. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Another insight about the suicide thoughts. My son would tell me that his body was telling him to hurt or kill himself. He did not want to. It got to the point where he didn't know if he could control it. So, if someone says they want to kill themselves, it could mean that they are having the urge to but do not want to. Kids don't always recognize the difference between urges and what they really want. To them an urge means they want to go through with it at that second. So, an "I want to kill myself" could mean that there is a real impulsive intrusive thought to actually do so.

    I always thought suicidal thoughts were more from external life situations or a thought process. In other words, I thought the person came to that conclussion out of knowing desperation. I didn't understand until my son went through this that it is not necessarily a "controlled" thought process. difficult child's body would "out of the blue" have these thoughts - no warning and he had no idea why.

    When someone says they want to kill themselves, they may not be suicidal, however, I do think that in time it could lead to it if they do not receive the help needed.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Its good she at least will talk to you. No advice, just sending hugs for you both.
  17. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    If she had said she wanted to kill herself, we would have been at the ER last night. Those are action words. She was expressing, as smallworld suggested, her utter despair and hopelessness...said her life was meaningless and she wished she were dead.

    I do agree that without treatment one can go from wishing she were dead to being actively suicidal.

    I made phone calls today. Haven't really gotten anywhere...voice mail and getting transferred to other people's voicemail. I will keep plugging away and will be keeping a close eye on Wynter.
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending many, many hugs, and strength your way.

    I have been been there done that not only with difficult child, but myself. It is so scary. Where to turn, what to do, how to get help when you feel that depressed. It is horrible. Many times in my life, I would rather have broken an arm than feel that utterly depressed. It is a horrible, tragic affliction.

    As far as therapy, who knows. My difficult child has always resisted therapy. I have literally dragged him there for the last time. We cannot shove help down these kids throats. I pray somehow, someone comes into his life and changes his world forever with their help, but for now, I can only hope - not force it.

    Not to mention the NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) part of this. There is little research proving that talk therapy helps kids with these types of disorders. I know my kid can talk his way out of a paper bag, and yet still not know how to get out.
    It seems there has to be a different more innovative therapy that would help these NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) kids connect the verbal brain to their action brain.

    None the less. I am so sorry. You are an awesome Mom, who always finds the best solutions for your children, and you will find one for this too. Right now it is just not immediate.
    Could any of her depression also be that her bro is gone, and school is out?
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. It is so hard to see our children so sad. Please, please do not blame yourself-this isn't your fault. I'm praying you are able to get the services she needs soon. (((((Hugs)))))
  20. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    My heart absolutely broke into a million pieces when I read that. For you and for her. I wish your kisses could make it better for her. And I wish that these hugs that I am sending you would make you all better, too.