FOO bad affects on our own children...did it happen?

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SomewhereOutThere, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I was lucky. My crazed mother and the rest of my FOO rarely saw my kids so, aside from odd sightings and what they could hear them saying because they spoke loud on my cell phone, they were not affected by them. But I heard a sad story from somebody who comes as part of my post-accident care team. She told me her mother (child's grandmother) has totally screwed up her child who is now on drugs. She is ostracized from t he FOO, but her teen is encouraged to be with grandmother and shun her, the daughter and mother.

    I don't know for sure if this is 100% true. I barely know this lady. But it made me wonder and I thought perhaps it was a good discussion for this particular board. I feel so grateful that my family of choice is in the loop and knew, during my accident, to keep the nosey haters out of my life and away from me and short on information. If I was so awful before the accident, they needed to stay out of my life after it and my hub and kids were great gatekeepers. But I know it's not like this for all.

    If nobody answers, I'll know this is not that much of an issue. I hope it isn't. This woman was crying. It sounded very mean-spirited by the rest of her FOO and she sounds like the scapegoat. I never discount stories like this because I was also a scapegoat and still am...only I'm beginning to think it was a good thing.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Serenity, I am so grateful you posted today. I miss you so much on FOO. Your strength and integrity. Your direct and true voice.

    I am dealing with betrayal today. A great pain descended on me yesterday, and I believe it has to do in the main with betrayals my whole life long and fear of it still.

    What comes first, the chicken or the egg? Have I had the misfortune of being related to people who betray? Or is there something about me that draws for this.

    Even my son, betrays me. I saw it first when we went to live in a foreign country. We were living with a family in a Pueblo. When the family united against me, my son sided with them and he threw me under the bus. Fast forward to now, it is still the same. Are you a racist, my son asks? When he knows the truth of it.

    I begged my son not to write to my nieces and to reveal family information. He did so anyway.

    My Mother.

    My Mother never tried to have a separate relationship with my son

    But she did with my sister. Their relationship was entirely separate from my own with either of them. This was the accepted pattern. I would call her. My mother.

    She would be dressing to go to meet my sister and her family at a restaurant or on her way to my sister's house for dinner. OK. I understand that I lived 5 hours away. But there are families that would have invited the missing child. I was almost never invited. I accepted it at the time. Just the way things were.

    Now all of the pain is rising up. I feel right now that I have no one and that I never had anyone. It is a sad way to feel. I do not know why I feel this way now.

    Thank you for posting this thread, Serenity. I have missed you.

  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It is a wonderful thing to have loyalty and protection from your family. In fact, it is pretty close to everything, in my book.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Copa. I miss being here, but nothing is really going on. I feel good about my FOO being in the past and my own family is pretty awesome, perhaps because my FOO had NO influence over them. My hub heard my mom on the phone and was there for my sister's police calls on us and also her phone calls to her to "tattle" on me, which he thought was pretty weird. My kids, at least Sonic, Jumper and Princess have heard my sister talking to me on my cell phone as my phones have been easy to hear (from t he other end). Princess can't stand my sister. I have 100% support from them and Bart too who has seen the cut offs and thinks it's "stupid of her" (his words). My mother is no longer in t he forefront of my mind since Sis is gone. Yet I'm not gone to seems she still reads my stuff since she actually posted here about me when I had my Who thinks about this stuff when hearing their sister has been in a serioius accident?

    "Oh! I know what I'll do! I'll post about it on the forum where she goes." If somebody I loved was in a car accident, I would BE THERE or try to stay in the loop, not think about some forum. Of course, that's the point. She doesn't care about me at all, although my father did buy flowers and send it in his, her and my brother's name. It was a farce though...

    If it were me, that would have been the last thing on my mind.

    My brother is a molecule to me. He has been gone from the area and my life since he moved to NJ. have all been talking a lot about your adult kids and the angst they are causing you.I read and feel terrible so I don't post. It is not going on with me and I don't want to butt in when I am not in the same boat, if that makes sense.

    Also,since Sis still reads this stuff, maybe I can stop her "me" obsession by not posting here as much. I want her to forget about me, like I usually forget about her.

    I wanted to keep my kids away from FOO. My husband talked to my mom only once and once was enough for both of us. She did not come to my wedding. Nobody missed her. She thought she was punishing me, but things were smoother without her.

    My identity is tied up in my family of choice.

    I will post when I have something to add. Right now (crossing fingers) things are good. And God was good to me in the accident. Seriously, I'm lucky I am alive. That to me means I'm here for a reason...and it's not to obsess over my past. The accident sort of changed my priorities....

    Love to you and Cedar and everyone else!!!
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am going to go a little off track from your question, because my children were not around my FOO that often, because of how far apart we are in distance. I will say, my 4th girl was very hurt when my father passed and she wrote of it on Facebook and her cousin replied that my girl "couldn't understand the pain of it, because she was not close to him." I told my brother, he apologized and corrected his girl.
    Life is hard.

    I think it is life.
    The circle of life.
    We are born into this life and it throws some pretty mean deals at us. All of us. Even our FOOs. What happened to them in their FOOs to act as they did?
    Were my children affected? They weren't around my FOO enough, to truly be affected. They were around So, if I was affected, which I was, surely, they were.
    I have had hard times and sad times and pleasant memories and sad memories.

    We are all affected.
    I think the difference is and will be, what can we do with it now? Certainly it is helpful to study our past with our adult eyes, and learn from it. Find out what makes us who we are.
    But, we are living now.
    Now, is real.
    Now is what we have.

    The past, we can remember and learn from.
    We can remember things
    and either hold on to it,
    or let it go.

    I think I am coming to the realization that holding on to it is too painful.

    I have come to understand that what happened with my FOO has shaped me in ways, and affected my life choices, parenting, how I am, who I am in good and bad ways.
    I wish there was a "re-do" button.

    I have made more than my fair share of mistakes, believe you, me.
    My two d c's would tell you that what they are doing is because of me.

    If I am to say to my children, "Of course I made mistakes, we all do. But, your choices are your choices."
    If I mean what I say, then how am I to hold on to what has happened to me in the past?

    It is a good question Serenity, and if I am looking at it in a different way then intended I apologize.

    I would say, that my children are affected in a more subliminal way, because of the literal distance between my FOO, and my family.
    My children have been affected, by my passing down how I was affected.
    Is the word inherently?

    I hope they can remember the good things. I really do. I can pull more than a few memories of parenting mess ups that I wish I could do over. For the most part, I loved and love all of my babies dearly, and tried my best.

    I am still reeling over my eldest, it is hard.
    But, life is hard sometimes. Everybody hurts, and eventually, hurts someone in some way.
    That is why we have forgiveness.
    Then there is always the big one,
    that we will be judged,
    by how we judge others.
    I am trying to concentrate on the below quote.
    I want to have joy, and count my blessings for the most part.
    If I think too long and hard on the yucky stuff, then I am stuck in yucky.
    Ok, it was part of shaping me, subsequently shaping my kids,
    but it is not the air I breathe,
    nor should it be theirs.
    Thanks Serenity, good to have you here sister.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Yes, Serenity. It really seems that way to me, that your accident and recovery was a turning point for you to acknowledge what you have. You always did but now you seem to be fully aware and conscious that what you have is so much that it dwarfs by an enormity what you did not get. It is as if your identity now, to you, is somebody who got everything you need. Because you have it now.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "New Leaf, post: 674344, member: 19522"]What happened to them in their FOOs"

    Leafie, don't take this as criticism of what you said. I know you are vry sensitive.

    You are not wrong. We just see it differently, which is ok. I see it like this.

    My mother called me horrid names nonstop. My parents fought when they were together, which wasn't often. My mom never liked me and encouraged my siblings to turn on me.

    To my own dear children, I could have done the same thing and blamed my upbringing, but this didn't happen in my family of choice. Instead, I deliberately would think, "I will NOT be like my mother" and I wasn't. The extremely few times I forgot and used a name, I immediately apologized and added I had no right to say that and ask for forgiveness. But this was very rare as the namecalling/belittling was heavily on my mind.

    We all make choices about how to raise our kids. If we didn't like how we were raised we don't have to duplicate it. We can do better. I don't excuse my FOO, even if I know my mother was treated as second fiddle to her brother and felt minimized as a child. To me, she could have said to herself, "I will NEVER favor one child over the other or make any of my children feel rotten." She chose to duplicate her own upbringing. I put the blame on her shoulders.

    Again, this is not criticism. It is just how I see things. Our behavior is a personal choice. There are plenty of things I've done I wish I had not done/chosen differently. Not copying my mother was the smartest thing I ever did though. Even though it was all I'd seen of parenting as a child.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, Leafie, no matter how hard we try, and you and I a nd the rest of us here DID try or we wouldn't even realize we made mistakes (I think my mother thought she parented well, even though she didn't)...I digress, we all make parenting mistakes. Every single one of us. I think intent is the issue.

    My mother truly intended to hurt me with what she said and did. So did the others in my FOO.

    That's the difference in my opinion. Intent and willingness to apologize and own up to our mistakes to our loved ones. Never once has anyone in my FOO said to me, "Pam, I'm sorry for...." and all of them had plenty to apologize for. But they never felt they made mistakes. I know I did, and they'd agree if I said But they never said "I'm sorry. MAYBE I was wrong." Nope. Only pointed fingers elsewhere.

    Intent, intent, intent and willingness to see your own flaws too. And to admit them if necessary.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh no Serenity, I am not offended and hope I have not offended you. My FOO was very different from yours, and so my answer is different.
    I am not trying to put my stuff on anyone, just expressing.
    You and others have had a much more difficult FOO, than I have.
    I am constantly amazed at your resilience, and what a loving, kind and wise attitude you have towards others.
    I hope I have not been misunderstood in my post.
    Please forgive me if I have offended you.

  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's why I intuitively never allowed my mother to "bond" with my kids they way she wanted to... I knew I couldn't trust her. We have paid a huge price for doing so, but it would have been worse the other way.

    There may be more to this lady's story, ... or not. Either scenario is entirely possible.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Leafie, you are too kind to ever offend me. I know your intent would never be to offend anybody. Don't worry. Speak your mind ;)
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    InsaneC, I so so so so understand!!!! My FOO did not want to bond with my kids and I did not do much to change that.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know, IC. I know her feelings and emotions were real. There are more of us than we thought when we were growing up and being abused...I always thought my family was an exception, but there are plenty of us. Sadly.
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I wonder if a lot of the fairytales and stories we read as children, were really based on folks FOO. Wicked stepmothers, Wolves disguised as grandmothers, etc.etc.

    I am so deeply sorry for this suffering with your FOO.

    It makes me so sad, that people can be so mean and conniving.
    Especially Moms. Moms are the one person we would wish to be able to rely on.

    I do not know how you sisters came out of this, but you did.

    I am glad Serenity, that you have and hold, your family of choice.
    It is a true blessing.

  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know, IC. I know her feelings and emotions were real. There are more of us than we thought when we were growing up and being abused...I always thought my family was an exception, but there are plenty of us. Sadly.
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Leafie, thank you. The shunning and abuse strangely has stronger and wiser so I feel there is a light in every tunnel. For all of us.
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I agree that it would have been worse had you seen FOO. After years of astonishing FOO betrayal of the most basic values, here I am trying to figure out the hurt of it at 63. In standing up for yourself and for that intuitive part of yourself that you trusted and that I overrode in myself, you declared your own name and became a stronger, more individualized person. I was forever aware that everything was wrong, but I just kept trying to create that family dinner, that family feel.

  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Cedar, in a strange way, although your family was definitely a mess, at least your family did try to get together for holidays, right? I could never had thought of "that family dinner." Mother wasn't much of a cook (I copied her here). We didn't get together for holidays unless it was done and I wasn't told, so I didn't dream of that dinner with MY FOO. We just were so fractured that I couldn't even dream of a warm, cozy family dinner. It would not have been possible, even in my imagination.

    At least your family did not do shunning. Well, they did, but not to the extent mine did; to the point where people were literally kicked out of the family by certain member. At least, I don't recall that this happened. Correct me if I forgot...

    It was easier not to fantasize that dinner, in a way, when it never ever happened in the first place. My FOO did not let bygones be byfones just because it was holiday time, not even for a night. Add to that, we were Jewish so we didn't do Christmas and never celebrated Hannukah in a festive way either. We just lit candles and then forgot about it the rest of the day.No extended family coming for a party. No extra good food. It is easier to forget what you never least, I t hink so.

    by the way, Happy Hannukah to Copa :)
  19. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I read something beautiful this morning about Hanukkah, Serenity. A Rabbi Wolpe was writing about the meaning of Hanukkah. He wrote that Hanukkah is a celebration of rededication.

    "The marriage that is floundering requires rededication. The student who is failing must rededicate himself. Even the more creative individual must get past the initial excitement of a new project to the daily innovation required to realize that dream.

    No single vision will suffice; we must see again and again and again."

    Isn't that beautiful.

    "Everyone fails in ways large and small."

    "Hanukkah, the holiday of rededication, teaches us something essential about successful living."

    Here is the last one I found so beautiful.

    "No matter how many times you have done it before once again, when you face the dark, light a candle."


    I love that last one. No matter how many times...when you face the dark, light a candle.

    I love that.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This has a lot of meaning to me because I so often lose my way. I lose my purpose. And then I fumble and fumble and act all confused and lost. When all the time I knew somewhere in the dark where I had to go because I wanted to go there.

    We light a candle to remember that we always knew who we are and where we needed to go. How is it that we forget?