I was pregnant with Jess when Wiz kicked me with the stated goal of causing her to die. He was four. It was the last time he ever tried to kick me because out of reflex I grabbed his leg and tossed him on the floor and he hit head first. It was not thought out, I simply reacted to a threat. Even at four he was FAR stronger than he looked or than a child his size should have been. I babysat a LOT and NEVER saw a kid as strong as he was other than him.
He didn't hit me again until he was around six and figured out that I was determined to NEVER leave him alone in a room with Jess. After that, any time he lost his temper he came at either her or I. When he was eight or nine he decided that he was okay with killing me to get to her. The doctors never seemed to take it seriously, regardless of what we told them. Not until I found him strangling J in her sleep when he was 12. Even then, HIS doctors didn't really want to do anything, not even a medication tweak. It was not until I went to HER doctor for help (well, his pediatrician too, but we went for help for HER and SHE was the focus) that anyone took it seriously. I was soooo furious with his docs, all of them. THe pediatrician had left it all to the psychiatrist and therapist, and they didn't want to push for residential because it was a PITA to find. But when it came in with him as an abuser and DHS involved, gee, they contacted the ins co and got an approval within two days. THen it was the fight to get them to really SEE him, not the poor misunderstood boy who just wanted his parents to spend some one on one time with him, when they spent all the time with his siblings and NONE with him. WHich was a crock of bs because just about everything revolved around him, his therapy, his activities, his wants, his needs. THey got the leftover crumbs of our time because it took so much to make sure that he wasn't hurting anyone at any given moment.
Even now, most people seem to think that we caused him to be abusive. We did NOT. I also get grief from people who think "poor poor Wiz, his parents just threw him away when he started to have problems". Sooooooooo far from reality. I fought tooth and nail for years to find help, to keep him with us, to create a family life that would lead to happy, healthy, responsible adult lives for each and every one of my children. The ONLY reason that I agreed to let Wiz leave our home was because I honestly, deep down in my gut KNEW that if he stayed with us the only possible results would be me dead with WIz in prison for life and jess either maimed or dead, or else Wiz dead, me dead and Jess possibly maybe alive but totally emotionally broken. If I managed to kill him to keep him from killing her, I would have killed myself. I knew it then, I know it now. There was ZERO possible chance for us all to be happy, healthy and not in prison if he stayed in our home. He was totally determined to get to Jess by going through me, and he well knew he would have to kill me to do it. Not only did I see it in his eyes, and have him tell me about it, I found clear written plans in his room after he left. It crushed me, and broke me inside. But by getting him OUT of our home, we all had a chance to someday create positive relationships with him. We had a CHANCE and at the time, it was all I could figure out to do. I don't know if a residential program would have been a better option. I do know that right now he is developing good relationships with his siblings, is finishing his last year in college with almost perfect grades, is working, and has made huge progress.
Even my husband had no idea how bad he had gotten. husband was not home much back then as he commuted 1.5 hours each way and by the time he got home Wiz was locked in his room and would have nothing to do with the family for the night. husband didn't see the way even saying "Hi" to Wiz after school could result in Wiz hitting me or Jess. just that one little syllable and some days he just would charge at me and go nuts. Made zero sense, but when has a difficult child made sense?
Of course most people think it is our fault, esp mine. Reality? Not so clear. I do know that Wiz did NOT see that sort of thing from us. WHen h was younger we did spank him, but that was rare. I only used spanking when the behavior would result in great bodily injury o r death, such as for running out into a street, sticking something into a light socket, etc... There were times when I lost it and smacked a hand or his mouth for cussing at me or hitting/hurting me or someone else. But those were few, far between, and were NOT the cause of the problems.
I was committed to raising him nonviolently. There was very little violence in anything he was allowed to watch for YEARS after many of his peers were watching violent movies, etc... I even removed Disney movies for long stretches because they can be incredibly violent. If there was violence of any kind, like the villagers attacking in Beauty and The Beast, the ONLY part of the movie he focused on was the violence. All those super hero action figures the kids had? The ONLY part Wiz played with where the weapons that the figures held, from maybe age 3 on. It was part of how he saw the world from LONG before other problems surfaced. husband and I worked hard to keep that out of his world.
I hope and pray that at some point our society opens up discussions about parent abuse and sibling abuse. SOOOOOOOO many people say that it is okay/normal for siblings to hurt each other, and they flat out won't even admit that some kids abuse their parents. We are NOT the generation that invented this. Not by a very long shot. Until we open up honest discussion about these issues, we don't have a PRAYER of making any real changes in the domestic violence epidemic in this country.
I have tried to be more open about the abuse because SOMEONE has to start talking about it in order for any help to begin to be available. Our local DV shelter had no treatment concepts for parents abused by their kids until I begged for some help. Now at least they know a little, and they are willing to try. That is a lot more than many DV places offer. I hope and pray that someday we figure out effective ways to help this issue. I know that Wiz' abuse was because he was mentally ill. I know he regrets it, and he works hard to not ever do that to anyone again. For me, that is HUGE and I am so proud of him. I hope that when he has his own family that he will work hard to make sure his kids get help if they show these same problems.