I am lost as what to do


New Member
I apologize for the book. There is still far more to this and cutting it down still makes for a lot of information and I truly apologize.

I am a 53 yo mother of three adult children. To give you some background, my father was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic with bipolar disorder, untreated by choice. It made life very difficult growing up and I bring it up because it is surmised that mental illness is heredity in my family, both daughters have been diagnosed, one with Borderline Personality Disorder and the other with Depression and BiPolar Disorder. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from some previous trauma as well as anxiety.

I was diagnosed in my mid to late 30s with MS and the initial battle was difficult for all of us. My son 16, almost 17 at the time, was prone to hang out with people that were not the best influence. This started as soon as high school started. If forbidden to hang out with these people, he would leave out his window at night. I tried talking to him about it but it fell on deaf ears and he eventually started stealing my medications to the point I had to put them in a locking tackle box and take them everywhere with me. He eventually quite school but did finally finish and got a GED. He was never interested in learning to drive yet at 18, he chose to drive a car of a friend because the friend was too drunk and he thought he was not. He totaled the car and at the scene they found him very intoxicated but as they were getting paperwork, etc, he took off and was later found sleeping in our basement. He was arrested, released and charged with DUI, negligence, etc and eventually had to serve community time and there are several classes that have to be completed before he can ever get a license.

And since that time he has chosen to drink and use drugs, whether illegal, over the counter, whatever he can get his hands on. He cannot keep a job. He will do really well in the beginning but after a while he just doesn't feel like going so doesn't which eventually leads him to getting fired. He typically averages 2-3 different work places a year and every time he has been fired, it has been someone else fault. He is never responsible and is always the victim.

After I met my new husband and we were married a few years, my son convinced us he was clean and needed help just to get on his feet and asked if he could move in. We agreed with the typical rules, no drinking, no drugs and had to have a job and we asked for rent money which we put aside in a separate account to help him move out later. It started off well with him working at a pharmacy as an assistant then things went downhill very quickly. He started not going in, hanging around people who were drinking and getting high regularly. He completely destroyed the room he was in , fired from the assistant job and then several others. When he is like this, he emotionally abuses me to the point I break down. He will non stop text me it is my fault he is the way he is and all kinds of guilt trips and at the exact same time tell me how much he loves me and I am the world to him. Sends me videos about how much I mean and in the same conversation blame me for everything.

During this time, he was arrested because he was with a person wanted for drug dealing. He was never convicted of anything as they had nothing on him but he continued to get worse and consistently blamed me for his life. In this time period we tried to get him to get mental help as well as addiction help but he always had an excuse why he couldn't or didn't. I work full time and with MS, this was causing me loads of stress that was causing all kinds of issues. We told him he had to get counseling or would have to move as he was still emotionally abusing me then one night he had been drinking and was sitting on our front porch and texting me over and over horrible hurtful things and my husband had had enough. He went out front and told him to leave me alone that he had no right to treat me that way and my son said he will do what he wants and pulled a steak knife out of his picket and tried to stab my husband. He just glanced his collar bone but we told him to leave right that minute and he started yelling and screaming how that always was, he's never wanted anywhere etc. Report was filed but nothing was done.

At this time he had burned so many bridges with real friends that no one would let them stay with them and he ended up living on the street with addicts. He eventually took his dad's offer and move in with him and was getting therapy but it was very short lived. He started stealing from them but saying his dad's girlfriend didn't like him and that was the problem. They caught him stealing several times. He does not realize I do speak with his father and was making up lies to make it look like he was the one being abused yet he was stealing and abusing them verbally. He quit his therapy and was told he had to go to therapy or leave so he chose to leave and was living on the streets once more.

Eventually he found a job, moved in with some roommates, and things were good. Then the cycle started all over again, fired, left alone in the apartment after roommates left until he was evicted. After he was evicted, he moved in with a guy he met at the same complex. He got a new job, was working good hours then same cycle. Then covid hit. My husband and I used all of our savings to help the three children out during this time and hoped that would help him get back on his feet. It was just the same cycle again. He recently had a job and was doing well but started hurting and aching and come to find out he has osteoarthritis of his joints. It is genetic as I have it in my spine and ankles. To him this meant he did not have to work any more and started to not go into work, started saying he could not work when he was there because he believe he had MS, etc as well. He ended up fired and is now looking for another job.

So we are here now and I get all kinds of texts apologizing for him being my son, then telling me its my fault, then telling me he won't be in this world much longer, etc. The emotionally roller coaster is killing me. I have had covid twice now and diagnosed with long haul covid. In combination with my MS it is really kicking my butt and it is going on almost 2 years now. I just barely got over one episode to be hit with a second this past October. I still work as I moved to a job that is far less stressful than the one I had and I enjoy working.

This is where my dilemma is. I can't do this much more. It is really tearing me apart. I try to tell this to my son but it always gets turned around to himself and his struggles and how life is not fair, etc. I get the texts, the emails, and then no communication to make me worry and then a I'm fine for now. It is all guilt trips for the most part. He is trying to do everything he can to manipulate me into letting him come back to our home. He has not asked yet but he is painting the picture to get to that point. He tries to get me to pity him on how he has to work with pain, even though I have been doing that for decades now, trying to tell me he should not have to work any more because he has to walk to work etc.

And one final bit of information. In my family growing up, females had no worth. My sister and I were nothing, only the males in the family. I started working at 15 to provide and my sister at 17 and we both left as soon as we could. My brothers are 43 and 47, neither has worked a day in their life. My parents provided everything for them. My mother passed away in 2015 and my dad still continued to provide everything until his death in 2020 and then my brothers moved in with my uncle and he is now providing for them both. My son wants this lifestyle and I am not going to do that.

SO I am here because I am all confused an mixed up. I don't know where to draw the line. No one wants their child living on the streets yet he is also a grown man and in my thinking, should be able to provide for himself. He should get the needed mental health but I think he wants everything handed to him. He even wants me to help him look for a new job. I am working my own and can't take that time out. He says buses do not run where he is but that is not true, they do. He says he can only go so far that he cannot walk long distances but he does to get cigarettes and alcohol when he wants it. He is constantly asking me for money and says it is for buying needed medical supplies or food, etc. In the beginning I fell for that but now offer to purchase food or what is needed and he can pick up (target about 2 blocks away) but it is always never mind I don't feel like going out yet he was willing to go out if I sent him cash.

I do know he cannot come back to live with us. I cannot tell you how bad that was yet at the same time I beat myself up saying what if he really has changed and I am being cold hearted and selfish? What if he lives on the streets and dies, its my fault then. He has me so twisted I don't know which way is up or down anymore.

Deni D

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.
Staff member
SLG, your post here was held in a queue, I believe due to the length. I hope you come back on the site to see it now.

You have so much to deal with.

From what you wrote it seems to me you have been taught to take care of everyone else before yourself, from a young age. I read something not long ago along the lines of how to teach your children to be kind but not be pushovers. The general gist of it was to teach them boundaries. I think a lot of us were taught to be nice, to do and give whatever anyone wanted was the way to be nice. But then there's being nice to ourselves also that should come into the picture, that's the boundaries thing. There's so much to figuring out our boundaries and then practice sticking to them while recognizing when we have misplaced guilt, but it could be something you might want to look into.

Your son does sound like he could benefit from some mental health help from a psychiatrist. But at his age only he can decide to do that. Maybe at some point he will get tired of the roller coaster and do something to help himself.

Others will come along to offer support and advice, I hope we see you back again. Hang in there. Hugs.


Well-Known Member
Tell your son that tumeric capsules or Glucosamine Sulfate has helped me tremendously with osteoarthritis. If he complains about the expense, despite being cheap at Walmart, explain that it’s an investment to improve his life and comfort level in order to continue working.

I hope he’s not getting MS. He might be forced to stop working if that happens.

I think he has some problematic hereditary behaviors, illnesses, and personality traits. If he would go to therapy it would greatly benefit him.


Well-Known Member
I am not the parent of a failure to launch individual, but I was married to one. He was an excellent liar, it was never his fault, and he was able to spin things in so many ways that I never knew what was true and what was not. His mother never forced him to accept any responsibility for anything, and she supported him until his death at 62, possibly from colon cancer but since he ghosted our daughter for about 8 months, she doesn't know exactly what happened.

Believe me when I tell you that you are doing the right thing. If he dies on the street, that was HIS DECISION, he CHOSE to make you feel like crap instead of stepping up and getting clean, finding and keeping a job, and building a life. You need to take care of you. Many hugs.