Freaking out!!need help I feeling like im losing it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Ok just the word that difficult child is STABLE and is coming home tomorrow. We have the family meeting tomorrow how can they do this?????? I just don't understand. The mental health facility that we are working with informed us that he is being released because he is stable.

    They put into effect the services that they can offer for us which is having a therapist in our home 3 days a week and another person which I dont remember who but another person 2-3 days a week. and seeing as it's friday they put a man in charge for us 24/7 if we want to get out for a few hours or they can take difficult child out of the house for a few hours.

    So CPS came to the house today... Same lady who came before and stated that difficult child accused husband of beating him with a cane and now I threatened to kill him. I can't take this anymore. Cps woman stated that we can file a report against difficult child for filing a false report. woopty doo.

    Just great I called the school to get him back in there and just found out that they are on spring break next week. now what am I supposed to do???

    So this morning I received a phone call from easy child's teachers expressing concern as to easy child's withdrawl in school. Here is the email they sent:
    To whom it concerns,

    I have noticed a drastic behavioral change with easy child's in the last 2 weeks. He is withdrawn from class. By with drawn, I mean no longer participating in class or associating with friends. He no longer seems confident, motivated or caring. He looks away when you try to ask him if things are okay. I, as his AVID and history teacher, am concerned about his well being. His grades have also declined. His science teacher has also noticed him withdrawing in her class as well. His grades are as follows:

    History = F
    AVID = F
    English = D
    Science = D

    Please let me know what we can do on our end,

    How do I handle this I feel like I am failing my son because there is nothing I can do..

    CPS should remove difficult child from our home to protect the other child in the home.

    Let me also mention that difficult child called husband last night and asked to speak to me...Why? He just made small talk about dinner and his medications. I said to husband what was that all about? husband said it is just more manipulation on difficult child's part to try and convince me he changed.

    I want to disappear in a hole where no one can find me and come out when it's all over. My son and I are losing who we were..happy, smiley, jokes, pranks, games its just a gloomy place I can't seem to see any light at the end. Should I just throw in the towel???

    I apologize about the rambling on and different topics but this is my life one big messss..urrrr:faint:
  2. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Whew - what a mess. It sounds like difficult child has been able to manipulate the people at the temporary placement he was in. Phone call asking about dinner was creepy.

    Get to the hardware store, and buy locks for anything and everything which needs to remain safe - bedroom doors, anything which can become a weapon.

    Are you and your ds able to get away for the next week? Probably not - how about ds? Can he stay with friends (2 nights one place, 2 nights somewhere else, grandparents?)

    Insist that if husband leaves the house, so does difficult child. You do not have to be home alone with him.

    Notify man who is supposed to be available 24/7 that you WILL be using his services. Suggest he pack a bag, as he may be boarding with you.

    Keep cordless phone and cell phone on your person while difficult child is there.

    If anything happens, call the police. I know you're not too sure about juvenile detention, but if he makes any threats, acts in a violent manner, police should be called and he should be removed.

    I know your heart is racing, your blood pressure is already up, and your muscles have begun to tense up. Slow deep breaths - you will get through this - sometimes minute by minute. Your plan B - consider a battered woman's shelter - batterers are not always grown men.

    I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Be strong. Be safe.
  3. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Oh! and file the report for the false report. Document EVERYTHING.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    While at the facility, difficult child would have to live with strict structure. Find out what that structure is and implement it the moment he walks into your home. Make a poster with the times and activities just like we do for the little kids.

    ______ am Wake up (it is very important to have a wake up time - don't let him get into the habit of sleeping in)

    ______ Straighten bedroom

    ______ am Breakfast (again, important to have a set time)

    ______ lunch

    ______ pm Supper

    ______ pm Straighten up bedroom

    ______ pm Shower and ready for bed

    ______ pm Lights out

    Find out the times the facility did the above. Decide if you are willing to go with the facilities times or want to face a battle of changing the times.

    Before the family meeting I hope you will be able to meet with the facility staff. Ask them about their schedule and how difficult child adheres to it. Ask them to support your decision to implement a similar schedule at home.

    Also, post household rules - no bad language, no teasing, no put downs, ect.

    Your easy child is wrapped into this more than you think. He is afraid of difficult child coming home. Does he have someone to talk to? Can he talk to the facility staff before the family meeting to discuss his concerns? They need to know that their decision to discharge difficult child may be in haste. They are not looking at the whole picture. People do not change "overnight" and being STABLE does not mean being strong and healthy.

    Stay safe. Even if you get the tiniest feeling of, "Do I make this call?" then make the call - you may not have time to analys it.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The others gave great advice. Just wanted to add in some gentle hugs.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. Any word on an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement?

    FILE THAT REPORT about false reporting. Call the police if he threatens you, hurts anyone or damages ANYTHING. STRIP his room to a mattress on the floor, a dresser with clothes for 1 week, and maybe a book or 2. Blanket sheet (bottom one) and pillow with case ONLY on the bed. Lock ALL the doors to ALL the other rooms with sturdy locks or even hasps and padlocks. Be SURE you want to stay in this relationship. It is NOT going to get better. This kid is going to get MUCH worse.

    For YOUR son, either go to a shelter next week with him or have him out of the house some way. MAKE husband take difficult child to work. PERIOD. YOU cannot cope with difficult child safely. PERIOD. Maybe have your son at a relative or friend's house and you go to a battered woman's shelter. This kid HAS been battering you emotionally and that counts.

    Are you sure this kid shouldn't go back to his mom? It would be MUCH safer for you and your son. You may need to bring this up to husband. She has let difficult child become so damaged that she may need to be the one to fight to get him into a placement. Or live with him.Honestly, that would be my suggestion if I were you. It seems cold, but it is saving the most that you can.
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    CPS is not going to take your step-son. They view it as a family problem. It would cost them a significant amount of money to place him. They could recoup part of it through child support from your husband and difficult child's biomom but not nearly all of it. My daughter, Kanga, was referred to as a "million dollar baby" because that was what the estimated it would cost to get her to adulthood in placement and no one wants to pay it. If CPS can push it off on DHS, they will. If DHS can push it off on the JJS, they will.

    It stinks.

    Please keep yourself and easy child safe. CJ had a lot of great suggestions.

    Your easy child is definitely frightened of difficult child coming home.
  8. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Thank you all for your wonderful support!! I really appreciate it..

    Here's an update: husband spoke to difficult child and he said that he told the social worker the same story that happened during his last hospitalization. This was not a new allegation of abuse so the DUMB Social worker called cps for nothing. Just great.

    So I spoke to cps woman again tonight and asked her if her job was to protect all children. Her answer was it was the parents job to protect the children from the parents. If we are not protecting easy child from difficult child than she would have to file charges against us. She said she does not want to file charges against us because there is nothing she can tell us to do that we are already not doing. (really thanks).

    I told husband I am holding on by a reallllllllly thin string and really don't know how much longer I can hold on. Right away he said " I know you would like me to dump my kid off on the side of a road somewhere" URRRR This infuriates me to the point I feel like slapping him right out of his theatrics. He can be a drama queen sometimes.(lol) I told him what I'm tired of the fact that he feels that way. I told him to leave don't stay with me if Im such a WITCH.. See if you can handle working 70 hours a week and squeeze in dr appointment's and Cft meetings and handle the calls from schools and parents complaining about your WONDERFUL difficult child.

    Wow I'm fustrated with him. Here I am night after night researching and researching some more. Found laws and lawyers who could help us. Doing all his meetings and scheduleing and giving medications. Not to mention cooking and cleaning and the best chore ever Laundry.. I suffer from very painful arthritis and have no immune system from the medications I take. I just wonder if he would stick around if this was my son??? In my heart I know he wouldnt.

    Why should I have to take digs at who I am and what I want when his own Mother dropped him on us and refuses to take him back.

    Sorry for the whining but I'm just sitting here counting the minutes until difficult child comes home tomorrow.

    Oh and I can't file a report on difficult child for lye's as he is mentally ill and could not be prosecuted for this.

    So what it seems to me is that difficult child can do and cause all the pain he wants without anyone doing a D*** thing about it.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Honey, this is a tough call. I think you should evaluate your options.

    You can continue to do all the stuff husband cant or wont, including the difficult child stuff. This does mean continueing to put yourself AND your child in danger. If difficult child hates you as much as he may, this could be serious, life threatening danger to you.

    You can find a friend to go live with and share bills with, or go to your parents or another relative for help.

    You can go to a woman's shelter for a week to learn about your options and gain some support. Just make sure your son has a place to go.

    You can leave him for a separation.

    You can stay home and insist difficult child go with his father for those 70 hours this week to see if husband can handle the real picture of what is going on.

    You can go on household strike, refusing to do any housework because you are way to oveerburdened dealing with difficult child issues.

    I am sure there are other options, or ways to combine these options.

    But if husband will not accept getting a long term solution to difficult child ASAP, then it falls to YOU to do something.

    You do NOT have a choice about finding a way to help YOUR son, including therapy though. Your son and his safety and well being must be your number one priority.

    One thing to think about as you make your choices. If husband had been more involved with difficult child, difficult child might have gotten help long before it came to this point. When a child has problems it isn't always the parents' fault. But when the child was allowed to run wild at one parent's home and the other parent let it happen, knowingly or unknowingly, the parent who let it happen with-o stepping in at signs of neglect/abuse/whatever bears responsibility also.

    PLEASE think carefully and begin to formulate your strategy and plans. I support you completely.
  10. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Gosh, it's been so long since I've seen indept discussions on the board regarding hospital discharge plans.

    If I recall correctly, there needs to be a plan in place to insure the patient can be appropriately cared for in the home. It's more sophisticated than that -- I think maybe slsh, timerlady, and others that have dealt with-this type of hospitalization might have some input for you. (Sorry, I didn't read the above posts so maybe this has been addressed.)

    Anyway, you may want to do some research on Hospital Discharge Plans.

    [ame=""]hospital discharge plan - Google Search[/ame]

    What a nightmare. Fingers crossed things work out.
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    Maybe you can take your son and go live elsewhere just for a while. You could continue to advocate for difficult child and go on dates with husband. Allow the situation to stabilize before exposing yourself and your son to a dangerous difficult child.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I second that motion, JJJ.
    I would take your other child and leave for a safe place.
    Worry about the details later.
    I am so sorry.
  13. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Well this is my plan!! I'm camping out in easy child's room. We are going to build a fort in his room and watch movies. I have only a hand full of friends who are single and out on a saturday night..(wish I was single again) oops there is that outside voice

    My parents live 3000 miles away. They offered a one way plane ticket, which is sounding better and better all the time.

    Thank you all again, I know you have your problems and hope that I can be of help to all of you one day. I am here to lend support to everyone in need.