Gave them the boot

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Aug 9, 2010.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    They're gone. easy child and his DF. Gave them the boot this evening.

    It had been going good, then went back to the SSDD, and then - well, we'll just say they crossed a line that should never, ever be crossed. I swear I could hear a little *ping* in my head as I completely lost it.

    It was loud and it was ugly. And they are gone.

    And at this point, it will take a lot to repair the relationship.

    I cried until I felt like I was going to throw up, then difficult child and I headed to E's house and hung out for a bit. Then I failed to make it to the pharmacy in time to pick up my klonopin. I'm out. I'm shaking and I feel sick. Things are going to get ugly with other people in my family, too, before this is done so I have that to look forward to as well. Well, it already has. It's just going to get worse over the next couple of days at least. Haven't figured out, yet, exactly what I'm going to do about that.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh sounds awful-sending many hugs your way. It's been a long time coming. Prayers to help through the upcoming days.
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm so sorry. Hugs and prayers going out.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, long time coming. It is very hard with adult kids in the house who think they know more than the parents. Gets right down nasty. I feel your pain.
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry that this has been so hard on you. I agree - this has been a long time coming....but I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of the fallout with family.

  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'm having a very hard time with this. I have a therapist appointment on Thursday, but called and asked them to call me if they have any cancellations tomorrow.

    The fallout with my family - I pushed it over the edge last night. I don't know what's going to happen with that and I could possibly become homeless because I am so dependent financially on my mom right now. I really hope SSDI comes through on appeal.

    It's just bad and I'm probably catastrophizing some right now, but I'm a mess. I feel like my heart has been ripped out through my gut. I'm afraid that my relationship with my son is damaged beyond repair and I don't know how to live with that.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh heather...I know this is so hard on you. Im so sorry it had to happen. You are so close to D. I can only imagine what kind of grief is going on between him, your mom and you. When the dust settles he will come around. You are his mom and he loves you. Nothing will ever change that. They get really stupid at his me. been there done that with 3 of them! Add in a female and they get even more idiotic!

    Things will work out. Stress will get better.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I just talked to my mom. Unreal, is all I can say. I have always been completely undermined by her when it comes to D and this time is no different. How two people can remember the same situation so differently is amazing to me.

    At this point, I have no interest in talking to my son. I imagine it will be a while before I do. His selfishness and total lack of respect for me is beyond what I'm willing to tolerate.

    Just wish it didn't hurt so much.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hey Flutter!

    You know that stupid little jingle thing - a son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life----or is it a son is a son until he meets some money grubbing, backstabbing, makes him think his Momma is the Wicked Witch of the West....she should be blessed with four sons that ALL get girls JUST LIKE HER AND WORSE?? mean....What a lovely girl he picked to engage himself to. ahem.

    Stupit saying anyway. (except the part I added et al) blinks so innocently.

    Anyway - Dude and I have in the past had our knock down drag out GTFO and I mean for good you can leave with just shorts on I do not care if it's 15 degrees out and frost is on the ground GOOOOOO NOW kind of words and he has left, bare footed, nearly teeth in hand....walking. When he has left I swear to you on a stack of readers digest I couldn't at that time or for at least a week afterwards cared about what or where, or whom he was with. Maybe even longer - I don't remember. All I know is that eventually no matter how angry YOU are, or WHAT was said between the two of you that YOU feel is irreparable? Nothing is forever except death. Which brings me to my next point......and it may not seem like it applies to you or anyone else, but somethings in life are just not worth 'it'.

    The last time I saw Steven before he burned up in his car? I told him I loved him. I told him I was proud of him. I wasn't really proud of him. (gimme a second)....I was and I wasn't. See...Part of me WAS proud of him. VERY proud of him. He had overcome some ridiculous odds to become a young man I loved very much. He had a learning disability. His bio-parents were and still are drug addicts. He was poor. He had no family structure, no set meal times, no nice clothes, no money for cars, school - No real help. So when his family asked him to assist in the family business and the money was easy? I couldn't be [proud]. He HAD a job working nights in a warehouse, it wasn't much, but it was honest. He had a car - it wasn't great - but it was his. He had clothes - they weren't new - but they were bought with his honest job's paycheck.
    The last time he was here at home? He showed up in very expensive clothes, shoes, hat, in a Cadillac, with a seedy-looking older dude who wouldn't get out of the car - he had a cell phone that he couldn't give me the number to, he had an odor I could describe but didn't. He had quit the "lame" warehouse job, and was making "real" money. My heart sank. It told me so much why he hadn't been around like he always was. Dude knew too - this was why THEY hadn't been hanging around either. Dude hates drugs and anything to do with them....even if it meant not being with his brother.

    So when Steven left from "showing off" all the things he "earned" I told him I loved him and he said "Aren't you pround of me?" I said "I am if you are." - I mean Flutter there were things then that I wanted to say that I should have said, that I wish I could say to him now and wouldn't think TWICE....about saying to him shifty guy in the car or not. Now? I don't have the opportunity to except to just say them into the wind while my heart wrenches and tears fall - meaningless tears. I'm so glad that I did say "I love you." to him.

    I'm so glad that when Dude came back that night in the 15 degree weather wearing nothing but shorts after I threw him out for the unforgivable things he said to me that I said " I do not forgive you for the things you said to me because they hurt me very badly - BUT I don't ever EVER want to go to sleep with an anger between us so I will tell you that while I can't forgive what you said to me, I do love you with all my heart." and you know what? From a completely dark room, from a completely dark kid - who just hours before had spewed some of the most vile verbage I had ever heard with my ears I heard - I love you too Momma.

    You CAN say something like that to D. It's OKAY to be angry. It's okay to be so angry that you blow you lid and you know occasionally you will say things to people that you either don't mean or mean, but say inappropriately because you are just so upset they didn't come out how you meant for them to so you could work on the problem. But......don't ever go to sleep without telling your kids I LOVE YOU. You don't have to forgive what they said in anger - and they don't have to forgive you either - that can be solved at a later time and you can tell them just that.....but make sure they always know you love them.

    Just sayin'.

    Same goes for friends too -
    Love you
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I told him I loved him before he left.
  11. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I love A, too. The bottom line is, no one can make anyone do something without their permission. A is a bit controlling, in that she has to have things a certain way. But, I think that has more to do with the koi she grew up with and it was a way to control her environment.

    D, however, went too far and crossed too many lines. When he doesn't think that it's my home because my mom pays the rent, or when he thinks he doesn't have to help out financially, or that he can tell me that he doesn't want to give me the money to help with bills because he doesn't trust me because I smoke cigarettes and occasionally get fast food, or that I should have gotten his approval for difficult child to have rats, or how I should be raising my daughter, or how I'm supposed to answer to my mom and him because I am unable to work and bring in an income, or how they can talk to me however they want, but I'm supposed to tiptoe around them...I could go on and on and on.

    difficult child said that she hasn't felt comfortable in her own home since A moved in. A always claimed to like difficult child, but she always had snarky comments to make. And every single time we tried to do something as a family - dinner, game night, etc - it got ruined because A went off unprovoked and out of line on difficult child. To the point that even D got totally ****** off at her.

    And you know, D's father can be a total jerk and D never says a thing. I know the psychology behind that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry. My son never wanted for anything. I was always the mom running him and his friends around. I was always the mom with a bunch of extra kids (his friends) at my house for days. E told me that I have bent over backwards for him - for both of my kids. D is being a selfish jerk right now. And, yes, I know a lot of it is immaturity and lack of life experience, but it doesn't mean I have to tolerate it.

    The tension in the house is gone. I think difficult child will do a lot better without them here. She said today that she's able to relax now. (She's off on an anxiety, obsessing thing about her hair, but that's unrelated.) My mom said that they're not interested in coming back. I said, that's fine because they're not welcome. Then my mom made some comment about throwing my son out. I didn't throw him out on the street. I told him to go to my mom's - he would have gone there anyway. However, my mom threw me out when I was 19, with a one year old child, because I got back together with D's dad. I had nowhere to go. But, that's ok. I'm not saying she was wrong. It was her house. Just that she so easily forgets and then I'm a bad parent for sticking to my guns and sending my son to go live with my mom who has always backed him up and undermined me. He's not on the street for crying out loud.

    A lot of relationships have changed and are going to be changed because of this. There is a lot of history that has never been resolved and never will be, and this goes right along with it.

    I'm not writing him off. I just don't want to talk to him or see him right now. I told my mom that they need to get the rest of their stuff. She asked if they should call me to arrange it. I told her to have them email me instead.

    Oh, and all the money (which was very little) that they didn't want to pay to help for bills because they shouldn't have to? They'll now be spending that and then some in gas. My mom lives 45 minutes away and their jobs are here.
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Oh, and his arrogance? He told me that I'm never going to make it without him.

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh H I am so very sorry for you heartbreak.
    I am glad you got to say "I love you" before he left. I still remember my Mom and my last conversation.

    I wish your Mom could see how much you have done and what you have sacrificed for your family. It's not as if you make these choices lightly.
    You are a great Mom
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    YOU did the ABSOLUTE right thing. I'm glad to know you told him you loved him before he left.

    My birthday card for Dude this year? Perfect.....On the front it has a cool cat standing there holding a non-denominational bill and the caption says ----What's a birthday card without money inside????? Open it up...
    THIS ONE. Ahhh yes....let me count the ways that I would like to take a large club out of the garage and whack myself in the head with it for the thought of ever tucking a little cash into a card for him this year.
    (wonder if Tiger Woods is available)