Gonna post this...and then try to go on

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by everywoman, May 5, 2010.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    and try to forget I said it---
    Hopefully saying it will get it out the way and then I can go on with life.
    My husband is a good man. He is kind. He adores me. He is not abusive. He is not a bad man.
    He is an addict. Right now, as far as I know, he is clean. But, again, that is as far as I know. I never know. I live every. single. day. wondering if he will relapse. I live every day not knowing. I can't trust anyone---every bit of trust in side of me has been destroyed by the people who were supposed to love and protect me in life---
    I think I am damaged beyond repair.
    On the outside I look so strong. I appear to be happy. BUT...on the inside I am dead.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((HUGS)) Do you think an alanon meeting would help? If it's any consolation, that's exactly how I feel a great portion of the time between my extended family, the people in the system that are supposed to help and back the parents' constructive efforts up, people on the IEP team, and now difficult child himself. I personally would NOT be able to handle it in a partner. However, given that you have so much invested in this already and you don't have reason to think he's doing anything behind your back right now, it could be that reviewing what is going on with yourself would help. If you've reached a point where you feel you can't trust him no matter what....well, that's a different story.
    Last edited: May 5, 2010
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Ohhh, does this ever strike a chord with me. I am feeling the same way for different reasons. It hoovers hard core, and makes you question everything. Hugs. I hope you can resolve your issue just as I hope I can resolve mine. You are in my thoughts.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Sending bug hugs and prayers.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks ladies. I don't need Alanon. I know the literature. I know the mantra. It's not that. It's me. I'm just tired. Don't get me wrong. husband is a great guy. His addiction issues have never gotten in the way of that. Everyone loves him. I just am in a place right now where I need to take care of me---and I don't know if I can do that and stay here. But, leaving him would hurt soooooo many people. I fought so hard to keep this family together, and now I'm the one who is ready to run, and I'm not even sure why. God, this hoovers. This has been going on with me for several months, and he tells me he loves me, and I just say thanks. I care about him, and I know that leaving would completely destroy him, but right now I'm hating being here.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds to me like you need to take a few days for yourself- away from everyone- so you can regroup and find your own heart and self. I have to do that sometimes. It would be good for you and I think it would help you find a clearer answer about what is right for you, what you want, what you're willing to do and not do, and what the next steps should be.

    PS: Please let me know if Shari's "bug hugs" help.
    (Sorry- I couldn't help it.)
  7. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Oh, EW, this feels so familiar! I have had my parachute packed for two decades. All my dreams reflect my lack of trust, not just in him, but in my parents and my children. I've been wanting to say this here but you are far more honest and brave than I.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful



    I get it.

    Maybe some time away for a break would help to some degree.
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    EW...many, many gentle hugs. I'm so sorry you're hurting so badly.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending many gentle hugs. Have you seen a therapist? That may help. Just because you know the AlAnon literature doesn't mean going to some meetings might not help. When I get to this point about my family other than husband, Jess and thank you AlAnon helps. Regardless of if I can recite the literature by heart or not.

    If not AlAnon, PLEASE see a therapist. At least a few times before you make any big decisions.

  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    EW, I can understand and honestly, I felt those vibes from you all the way back to OH. I think you have been questioning things for a long long time. Ever since the last relapse. I dont blame you in the least either. You live in such a small town its a fish bowl. You can hardly blow your nose without the rest of the town knowing if its allergy related or an infection!

    If you ever want to just runaway, call and we can go get a motel up on the strand for a night or two and just veg out.
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I was so shocked to find myself in this position a few years ago. I went to a therapist for a long time to make sure it was what I really wanted to do and not just depression speaking.

    I'm so sorry. Gentle hugs.

    Last edited: May 6, 2010
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ((((hugs))) and prayers.
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    gentle hugs. There are wise woman here who have leant their wisdom. I think seeing a therapist is a great suggestion. But taking a few days to yourself is a great start.

  15. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    EW, I do not think you are alone. I have never been married, but I have been on the outside looking in for many years. I do think this is part of partnering up. I really believe you need to take some time for yourself. Go on a vacation all by yourself. Being apart really can highlight the reasons you stay.
    I am sure the thought of being on your own and single and finding new love - or not and going where you want with whom you want whenever you want are tugging at every married person at some time or another.
    I can tell you that I have learned there are pros & cons to being single and being married. When you are single you long for what a happily married person has. When you are married you long for that single life. I see it every where.
    Especially now as I plan my wedding, so many people have asked me WHY? Why get married?

    So, you have said it here out loud. Did that help?
    I have 3 suggestions for you:
    1.) seek counseling
    2.) take a mini vacation to soul search
    3.) talk to Fran - she is a wise woman in the love department!
  16. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    No words of wisdom, just know we are thinking of you..............
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I get it.
    I adore my husband, respect him, and don't know anyone who could be more of a life partner. Somedays it's just all too much and I want to bolt. It's not really him or the kids or the family. Just life.
    I had a fantasy of just disappearing and ending up working in a diner in the NW with a whole new identity. It's just a fantasy and a way of working through my feelings of being tired or overwhelmed. In the ups and downs of married life it seems to be the norm to go through periods of wanting to move forward and wanting to bolt. Anyone who says that married life is never without doubt is lying.
    I don't have the addiction issue in the background and the trust issues so I can imagine that throws more fuel to the fire. I don't want to portray I know what that feels like.
    I just know that I have wondered if this is the life I want or if this is the life I want to live forever. It's an indulgent exercise on my part because I don't think I ever thought I would be this contentedly married. So it's probably not the married part that fuels my fantasy but just asking myself what I thought my life would look like and how it actually came to be.

    What I'm trying to say is that I believe every woman reaches an age where they stop to take stock in how their life turned out and whether they had other avenues to explore or if they should explore other avenues. I believe women find a mid life phase(not crisis) where they reflect and change their course in life. In the end, you don't want to say to yourself " I wanted X but I allowed myself only Z and used Z as an excuse to not have X".
    In the end, you may find that the life you are living is better than you thought.

    Being a strong woman can become an albatross. The expectation is that you will never have doubt or that you won't stumble or make a mistake. Strong women know that is not true. You are just like everyone else but you choose to not bury your head in the sand or be ineffective.

    I'm hoping you come to terms with your inner struggle. It's tough to battle it out silently.
  18. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I just saw Busywends post. Thank you BW but
    I have no special skills.
    I grew up in a home of dysfunction and chaos between parents in their married life and in their parenting because they didn't know any better. Gave me a lifetime to watch what worked and what didn't and why. Just a lot of observation and a lot of honest self reflection.
  19. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    EW, I know, really understand your feelings. I lost husband to an addiction. It's a terrifying scenario.

    I miss husband more than you can know AND I'm building a new, different life without him physically here (always in my heart tho the hurt is lessening). The upcoming art show has helped me begin to start defining me as a person. Not a daughter, sibling, aunt, in-law, wife, mother - me.

    I'm beginning to appreciate me as a person. I'm building a life not soley based on being a mum to special needs twins nor a widow. For some reason being selected to being a contributing artist has emotionally opened a world to me that I had never considered. It's very freeing.

    Like Fran, I'd have dreams, fantasies of a very different life. Instead, I'm building that life within the confines of my situation. It's emotional freedom.

    Kathy, you know I understand. Your husband is a wonderful man with an addiction. I know because of that there is an underlying atmosphere of distrust. You look at your husband & wonder; think who are you & why did I marry you? I know this & whatever you choose to do know I'm on your shoulder with you the entire time.
  20. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Let me first say that I am so sorry to hear your pain. Second, I have no experience with an addicted spouse...well, at least not anything that counts as a "serious" addiction.

    husband was a smoker. And while that's legal and socially acceptable and nobody bats an eye--it was a problem. We've been poor. And I mean PO! (When you're so poor you can't even afford the O and the R--PO!) husband knew we couldn't afford the cigarettes...and so he would announce that he was quitting.

    Meanwhile, he'd still be smoking--now he was just lying about it. Alternatively, he would seriously try to quit--by turning to snacking instead. And to feed either of these habits, he needed to spend, spend, spend...

    He would take cash out of our grocery money to buy cigarettes. When I put a stop to that--he ran up our credit cards. I can remember getting a bill for a CC that I thought had no balance....and there was a bill for nearly $300 because he had used the card almost every single day to buy something! He bought snacks, smokes, lunches out--every day! I yelled. I screamed! He apologized....and went right back out and did the exact same thing the next day.

    I took away his credit cards...thinking I had solved the problem.

    Then I discovered that husband figured out a way to get advances on his paychecks....
    Every week, his check was less and less than it should have been because he would get an advance and spend it...on cigarettes, snacks, meals, candy--every day!

    Today, honestly...I still don't trust him with money. I handle all of our finances. All of the credit cards are in my name. I often think about how much further ahead in life I might be if I hadn't spent all these years constantly putting out the financial "fires" caused by all this excess spending. And yes, I too, have often fantasized about running away...just going...starting again somewhere new.

    I'm not sure if counseling is really the answer for that...

    I stay because I am still crazy in love with him. If I stopped feeling that way...? I'd be right where you are now.

    I guess you need to decide what is best for you.