Gonna post this...and then try to go on

[Mom2oddson]

You are not alone in your feelings. husband asked me if I still wanted to be married to him. I really do want him in my life. It's all the stress that comes with a life with him that I no longer want.

I don't want to deal with his two difficult children anymore. Any part of it. None of it! I so want to be done with difficult children.

I don't want to deal with his dysfunctional mother any more. Or the stress of having her in our lives. Or her enabling difficult child-S to throw her life away or the $900 a month we have to pay mother in law so that she can support difficult child-S.

I don't want our house anymore and all the work that needs to go into taking care of it and the yard and the repairs, and, and, and....

I don't want to be in this position where I HAVE TO go to a job I can't stand because I can't afford to leave the job.

husband is a recovering addict. He quit drugs before I met him... and now he has 2 years of sobriety under his belt. Will he go back some day??? No person can say yes or no. It is just one day at a time. And I guess this is where detachment comes into play. Today, he isn't drinking or anything else so today is a good day. If things change tomorrow - I'll deal with it tomorrow. Worring about husband's addiction and what might happen is like worring about what difficult child will do next week or next month. It's out of my hands until that day arrives.

 

[muttmeister]

Sending understanding hugs your way.

I was married to an alcoholic and I ended up divorcing him. He, however, was not clean and sober so your situation is different than mine but I do understand the wondering and waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if it never does.

I think getting away for a few days is good advice. It would give you time to think more clearly. After you've had time to evaluate your situation for awhile, it might be time to see a good counselor....not to tell you what to do but to help you figure out what is best for you. Staying with somebody who has cleaned up their act is great but staying because of guilt about leaving is not so great. ONly you can decide what is best for you but sometimes a different perspective is helpful. I wouldn't jump into any rash decisions but I also wouldn't just "settle" for the status quo because somebody else thinks you should. Take some time, think hard, get some good advice, and, if you lean that way, a little prayer can help too.

Good luck.

 

[flutterby]

EW,

I can't add to anything that has been offered.

I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry you are hurting, and I am here no matter what.

Take care of you.

(((hugs)))

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. School's almost out for you. Is there any way to plan a week out of town after that? It must be hard to do anything with everything gearing up towards the end of the year right now.

 

[Star*]

Hey EW,

Well this is so a case of it's not me it's you isn't it? Or is it? You know I lived or survived my first marriage and it was nothing but continually waiting for him, doing for him, sacrificing for him, tip-toeing for him, adjusting for him, changing for him, moving for him, everything seemed in one way or another for him so much that along the way I became completely lost in who I was. By the time I divorced, and was on my own I was so used to doing everything for everyone else I literally didn't cry and rarely laughed. It was like I hadn't given myself permission to cry in years because I was so afraid once I did? I would never stop.

I could be way off base here, and I'll take my lumps but I don't think this has ANYTHING to do with your husband. Allow me a moment to explain. This is kinda like when you are at work with someone you don't like and you dont' confront them for months and months and you boil and fester instead of dealing with (whatever the issue you have with them is) and then one day that person either gets promoted and you completely blow, or they get fired and you completely blow. Point being - THEY never knew you had a problem with them, and yet YOU wasted your life, time, energy on ----what? Them. THAT is the beauty of going to therapy. I started going to therapy thinking I would walk in and spill my guts on everyone I didn't like and everything I couldn't stand. And (shrug) for the first few visits? I did. Okay so after that was over then what? (lol) ----watch the clock, wipe down the leaves on the dusty plant, rearrange the magazines....organize the lego's by color...(O.C.D. at it's finest) but what you're left with after you complain about everyone else is your shortcomings. Your own faults, your own inabilities to cope, and understand others, and get along.

So coming back around to your issue here....You tell us your husband is a wonderful, kind, (etc...) man. Okay -so he is. So what's really the problem? Problem is ......you have spent XX years waiting for him to mess up ----because the potential is there for him to do so, because he has in the past, because he's capable of it, because he could. I mean pick a reason.....honestly - we all could. You could. You could go be an addict, but you don't. Why? What stops you? Does it make you angry that you can stop and he can't? So would that be jealousy in a way? Does it make you angry at yourself that you are XX years old and have spent maybe XX years WAITING for him to mess up and he hasn't? Yup that would make me angry - ANTICIPATION of potential mess up...apprehension is ugly. Apprehension magnified is loathe. Maybe you loathe yourself for not being able to draw a line in the sand at some point and draw your boundaries ----??? I dunno - I'm not gettin' $250 an hour for this. I'm just a friend askin same questions that were asked to me years ago.

My thougth is what makes ME furious? Is water off a ducks back to you. What is water off the ducks back for me? Might be the straw that breaks your camels back. We all have our tolerances - but in order to have harmony in your home? You and your hubby have to know what the rules are and what you will and won't tolerate from each other - and the fact that you've treated him like a fragile crystal vase for years because of his addictions? I'm guessing you're worn out and tired of holding up the facade. I think it's time to just let the man that you love know -----you're tired. BUT......there are appropriate ways to do this, and not so appropriate ways and THAT is where you find yourself, find an artful way of communicating and need a therapist and a paid ing buddy, cause it can't be him.

Just saying I don't want to be married ------will NOT get it out of your system. Something else is going on here ----and you really need to explore it before THIS TOO -------is like that co-worker that you can't stand but say nothing about for years and years. This is not one for the girls, or your BFF.....this is a professional face to face must have -----for you and for your peace of mind. You dont' even ever need to tell him....but you do need to do this for you. Once and for all.

Hugs & Love
Star