difficult child had more psychiatric testing done at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last month. I attended a meeting last week in which the results were provided to me. difficult child has been placed on the schizophrenic spectrum. It was emphasized that while difficult child does not present classic schizophrenic symptoms and the mood issues are a major factor, the testing indicates that, as it was put, he shows more perception distortion and reality that is typical of bipolar. It also says there are suggestions of fragmented identity or identity multiples. Severe depression. Indications that regression into a flagrantly psychotic state is an ever rpresent possibility. He sees himself as damaged. Sees the world as a demanding, unrewarding and threatening place. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) team expressed their observations of his thought disorders and major difficulty in thought process, as well as the instances of bizarre things that he says -- mostly fantasy related. They were very supportive. They are also being cautious. They added rule out Psychotic Disorder to his list. They are not looking for a schizophrenic diagnosis -- if anything, they believe it would be schizoaffective. It is not the first time this has been suggested as a possibility or concern, but it's the first time any testing has supported that possibility or concern. Before, the suggestions were based on behavioral ancedotes and reports from us to docs of things he's said/thought. And I thought the possibility of bi-polar was devestating. I still remember the emotions when at age 4, we were told he had ODD. I have been struggling -- agonizing -- since that meeting over what I did to cause this. I realize, really, please believe me, that this is stupid. And counterproductive. And stupid. But I couldn't/can't stop it. I've even come up with a list of risk criteria, based on a little reading that I did, that combined, could have done this to my son -- stress during pregnancy, pre-eclamsia, putting him in that horrible hospital when he was 5, even though I didn't know it was horrible at the time. Something maybe that I haven't even come up with yet, that, in concert with other things, triggered his risk factor. Completely pointless, I know, but I regressed to this point. There is no schizophrenia in either of our family history that I know of. Where did this come from? This guilt is not as intense as the first few days, but I don't know if I can get past it. Maybe it's my way of not completely losing it and screaming at the world for being so unfair. Which would get me the same results as far as finding an answer as to why -- a big fat 0; only they'd probably put me in for some testing of my own. Back to what I can do and control, something I should have done long ago -- put in writing and legalize a guardianship for him should something happen to me and husband. We have an understanding with husband's parents, but I want it official. I can't get past the thought of who is going to take care of him, love him, if I'm gone. I need that piece of mind. I can't explain the sense of urgency borne out of this testing that has taken over me -- why it seems so much more important (and it was important before) when we were operating on the idea that this was a case of bi-polar with infrequent bouts of delusions. Except to say that his future and ability to have happiness in his life seems much narrower now. Maybe it is the shock of seeing it on paper. The last thing I've ever wanted for my son is a limit on his possibilities...it seems that we just have to work a little harder for him to realize what he so wants -- a normal life.