Have I missed something?

[dizzymum]

Hello everyone. This is my first thread/posting on the net, so stick with me! I think I have a difficult child, waiting on an evaluation begining next week. I can't wait. Spent years going around in the same circle, blaming myself, my partner my difficult child, never finding a solution or getting many results. If I could list a few things, would someone mind telling me if they see any similarities between my child and theirs? Some days I feel I know by my guts what the matter is and then I collapse in dispair.
I have 3 children, difficult child daughter of 17, easy child son 11 and easy child daughter 9. My partner of 17 years is the bio dad of my two youngest. difficult child's dad abandoned me at the last minute! Nice bloke. Things have not been text book!
My difficult child was very bright, mobile early, walked at 10 months and met all of her milestones early. She was very explorative and always fearless, beyond what I would call average! No just wasn't and never has been an option. She could not concentrate for long or sit and play. A story was nearly impossible, toys were broken rather than played with, I couldn't leave her safely in a room on her own, she has always been impulsive, never learnt from any mistakes, always felt hard done by, would wreck her room if I/we needed time out, 'escaped' from the house from an early age (2), not responsible for anything, high on additives to the point that the glaze on her eyes would bubble and her lips swelled, lies, cheats, steals, smokes, violent and aggressive if she can't have her own way, the negative list is endless. I feel bad for all of this. I have tried to be a good mum and my parenting style works on my other 2.
On the plus side, she has always excelled at drama, could read and write before she went to school ( she was the teacher and I was the pupil ) she has a near photographic memory for text, worked hard when she had a job, tho she couldn't follow the dress code and stole from her employer and their child, was brilliant at public speaking and can party as an olympic sport:crazy1:.
I just feel worn down with her dishonesty and apparent inability to consider anyone else. She has no control over her spending, has lost most of her friends, been arrested and is now living with my mum whilst we get some help. I have done all I can and love her with every inch of me but it hurts. Our life seems to be one problem after another and it is suffocating us. I feel responsible but have not been able to take charge of the situation, no matter how hard I try.
Has anyone else been here? I don't feel like a natural mum. I can't stand her sometimes. Am I crazy?
Thanks for listening............ Dizzy xxx

 

[tiredmommy]

Dizzy-
Welcome, you've certainly found the right place!
We can't diagnose, but your daughter appears to have symptoms of hyperlexia, executive functioning problems, a mood disorder, add/adhd and most definitely ODD. Getting the most thorough exam possible will be necessary to sort out her issues. Do you have any idea about how her bio-dad turned out? Any known psychiatric diagnoses? How about on your side of the family tree?

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Hi, Dizzymum-

You are definitely in the right place!! There are so many things that you said that I can relate to-and believe me, that helps me too. I have three children- 25, 21, and my difficult child who is 6-same father, we just were not good at birth control. LOL. Anyway, we basically sailed through the parenting of the first two-no major problems. Then came difficult child. We have raised him the same way as far as I can tell and yet the problems are major. He has been diagnosed with ODD and we are in the middle of a nightmare right now. When he was two, we put him in his room for a T/O and he ripped the wallpaper off the walls. He has knocked down dressers, locked us in rooms, turned over tables and is just out of control. We are trying to find the right medications for him right now but we are at the end of our ropes. Just wanted you to know you are in the right place. I know that if you stay, you will find alot of support. I always say that I am going to check in regularly, but usually I am so emotionally drained that I can't even find the right words to respond. Something in your post, however, got to me. Good Luck.

 

[nvts]

Welcome Dizzy!

Listen, don't take on guilt based on your daughters behavior. You're a mom who's trying her best to take control of a nasty situation. (Same goes for you, Stressed). Life gives us enough guilt, don't take on guilt that you can't change.

We were all parented differently than what our kids can learn from. My siblings and I call it "FOG Parenting" (fear of God!). Our kids are wired differently, so the traditional doesn't always work with them. (Stressed: my younger sister has a "spread out" family like you: she calls the younger kids her "do-overs"! lol).

Dizzy: Tiredmommy is right. We can't diagnose, but we can ask questions that can give us some rough ideas!

When she was younger, did she have meltdowns or issues with different clothes, textures, smells? Did she overreact to loud or different sounds? Was she super knowledgeable about one particular type of toy or subject matter? Bad handwriting? Not great eye contact? Not really coordinated? Not super great in social situations?

When you get a chance, fill out a profile (this way people get to know you and your family situation) and you don't have to answer the same questions over and over!).


You've found a great group of people! Enjoy the friendship!

Beth

 

[Hopeless]

Dizzy,

Just wanted to say Welcome to the board and send you hugs. No words of wisdom, just don't feel guilty. My difficult child and easy child are night and day different and have been raised in the same household, with the same rules/standards. difficult children are just wired in a different direction. Once your difficult child is diagnosed, you will be able to read about the disorder(s) and what things to try.

 

[dizzymum]

How kind you all are. Thank you for warmly welcoming me and my brood. I will try and answer your questions as simply as possible.
Me.... a good kid as far as I know, thank you for the fear of God analogy, spot on! Obviously I did the odd kid thing and my brothers and I would occassionally drive my mum to distraction but just what I would class as the norm. I had a twin brother who sadly died in a car crash 18 months before my difficult child was born..... I struggle with whether or not my grief affected her. That has always lurked at the back of my mind. Her bio dad.... well, he was 26 and changed over night. No financial help, no visits, did all he could to wriggle out of his responsibilities and move on unscathed. I was 34 weeks pregnant.Nice. He was and is a highly intelligent man but was not honest. I personally couldn't sleep at night if I behaved as he did/does. I now have email contact with him and he is supportive which is a refreshing change but it took some straight talking from me. He has a photographic memory, is estranged from his family and he tried to have more children but they sadly died before birth. He had a reputation for being a liar and womaniser and was described to me as a marmite person... you love him or hate him! He has done well on the career and financial front though.
My difficult child.... No problems with senses, just incredibly busy, enjoyed spreading newspaper across the floor and turning the furniture upside down. Had to touch everything and could not be persuaded to diverse once her mind was set. Very quick learner, no concentration, poor social skills, no personal boundries, brilliant mimic, clumsy, accident prone, unable or unwilling to do crafts with me, turned down all invitations do sew, garden, paint, draw, model, sculpt, cook etc! I thought it would be good for us. Easy to upset too. Unable to see the repurcussions of her actions or think through decisions, tomorrow is not on the agenda! I never felt that I could get it right but I would guess she would say the same! Never really thought about the eye contact thing, but looking back, I can't say there was much. It felt like we were from a different place. She always needed her sleep but was not one to crash out on the floor. I kept a good routine but she would argue and fight in her sleep!!! She was wet during the day until she was 10 and I worked out that fruit juice, squash, ice lollies etc were the cause. It must be an acid related thing. My GP laughed at me but I can't help what I know.Trial and error got me there! The same lyrics have been playing, just a different tune if that makes sense. As she has grown and changed, so have our problems.I think she is unhappy too.
I have been depressed at times but am generally a smile spreader! Life has thrown some challenges my way but I am still swimming. Is that okay? Thank you Dizzy xx

 

[nvts]

Hey Dizzy! Whoa! Your hands are full! The reason I asked the questions that I did is that she could also have some sort of Autistic tendencies. My two boys have Aspergers Syndrome and have a lot of the behaviors that your daughter showed as a child.

Try reading a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. You may or may not agree with his ways of handling the issues, but he gives you keen insight to how your daughter is wired. At least it will prove to you that you're not at fault and this could be realted to a neurological issue.

So much for "FOG" parenting, eh!!! I was the 3rd in a brood of 6 and we drove my mom nuts!

Gotta go - the chuckleheads are driving me bananas!

Talk to you soon!

Beth