He makes me so angry.. UPDATE!!!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    easy child told me yesterday that her father called and invited her to dinner tonight. I said, oh that's nice, and then I asked, our meeting Judy?
    I don't want her to feel she can't tell me these things.

    She said yeah, I think so. Then the next comment she made tells me she's doing it out of curiousity and jealousy. She said, oh yeah, Linsay and Brittany, who are her cousins, already met her. Isn't that nice they mer her first? Plus I'm curious to see who her daughter is because she goes to my school and I can't figure out who she is.

    I would say I can't believe he's doing this, but that would be areally stupid thing to say.

    We have been seperated for 2 months, he's been in this relationship for 3 weeks. He is now inviting our daughter to her own house that she grew up in where another women and daughter will be, and I'm sure they have been there enough to feel pretty comfortable in MY HOUSE.

    I can't imagine how this is going to make easy child feel. I asked her if she was comfortable with this and she said, yeah I guess so, maybe I'll just stop by and won't stay for dinner. I told her she has to do whatever she is comfortable with.

    Needless to say I called bff Jill at 10:30 last night and balled my eyes out. I can't even keep it together this morning and I just got up.

    How many things can I be hit me with in such a short amount of time. First my mothers illness, then her death, his affair, a new girlfriend in less then two months and now introducing my children to this women in my house.

    I don't understand why he can't just take his daughter out to a restaraunt for lunch, by himself, and spend time with her that way for a while. No, he has to create this family.

    Jill and I are going shopping tonight and get something to eat. I told her there is no way I can sit home by myself tonight eating dinner watching t.v. Believe me, many nights I cherish that, but tonight will not be one of them. I'm trying to figure out how to get through the day at work without the flood gates opening.

    My counselor told me last week he shouldn't be introducing his kids to anymore for months, after the divorce is final, and we only just filed.

    She's away for a few days so I can't even call her and ask her how to handle this. I guess I just have to zip my lips and let her go.

    I want to call and blast him, but then I know if I say anything and easy child doesn't like this girl or his daughter and isn't comfortable spending time with them, he'll blame it on me and say I must have said something to her. So again, I guess I have to zip my lips.

    The fact that he's having them all at the house I think is the most pathetic thing. Hopefully that will work in my favor because easy child can get very posessive over some of her stuff and seeing these people so comfortable with what she will still consider her stuff I don't think is going to go over very well with her.

    Couldn't he have atleast had them all meet at a restaraunt or something. I think he's hoping the two girls will become best friends and run off watching t.v. together. He forgets his daughter is a mature young women, not a little kid.

    OH help me get through this day!!!
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I've never understood this, perhaps because I was away when you explained why - but how come YOU moved out of the house, when you still have a dependent child in your care? AND the dog? OK, he's got the dog but I gather she goes with the house, but still, I do think this is a bit much. I mean, this other woman has brought in her kids, so where are they sleeping? Who is in your daughter's room? How will she feel?

    And my own thoughts - by letting him do this (ie move back home AND move in the new girlfriend and her kids) he is now playing happy families as if you have endorsed it, by moving out to give him the space.

    I do feel the sooner you sort out and rationalise all the assets the better, but he won't be in any hurry if he is in the house.

    So if you've been feeling this way too and putting it down to resentment and jealousy - it's not. I have no reason to be resentful or jealous, and I feel this way.

    What would he do if you said you had decided to move back home? Not that I'm suggesting you do, but I do wonder - what would he do? I suspect he'd be playing his mind games and emotional blackmail in earnest.

    This is not nice. He hasn't an ounce of sensitivity anywhere in his body. And a message to HP - this is no way to win the affections of your child and get her stamp of approval on your infidelity, buster.

    Hang in there, sister. You are way better than him. Or his new squeeze.

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ya know...I got to thinking. I was not too much older than your daughter when my parents divorced and while I fully understood that my father was better off, it still hurt me. It also hurt me that my father started dating again especially when it was my mothers ex best friend.

    They never were in MY house though. He sold that.

    But I can remember feeling completely grossed out if I ever saw them showing any signs of affection back then. She tended to want to sit on his lap or kiss him around me for a short time until I told him I didnt want to see his sex life anymore than he wanted to see mine...lol.

    Now I have gotten so far past that feeling it isnt funny because I know so much more about the whole situation. I was seeing it through a 18 and 19 year olds perspective and my dad was kind enough not to burden me with too much information. I found out on my own. The man is a saint...lets just put it that way. My mother is crazy. Or was, she is dead.

    Now I love my step mom because she treats my dad well, treats me well, and loves my boys and grandkids. What more can I ask for?
  4. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Okay sister, once again our twin-ship is proven! :smile: I also moved out of my marital home & left DEX the house to himself. He also didn't waste a moment inviting his girlfriend to come on over. I had to drive by the house on my way to & from my work, and for the life of me, I could not stop myself from looking to see who's car was parked in the driveway. (Something I still do today, unfortunately - but it doesn't bother me near as much as it did in the beginning) :smirk:

    Ironically, (or not, depending how you look at it) his girlfriend was also married, cheating on her husband. She hadn't yet made the news public to the poor man, even tho it was obvious to most of the rest of the town. Lo & behold, one morning she came out to get in her van and found the tires had been slashed!! :highvoltage: :highvoltage:

    Yep, her hubby did it.

    I laughed my butt off when I heard that!! And it did help me get over the hurt and pain of some other woman in my house - the idea that someone else was 'making them pay' was a tremendous comfort to me, sort of a big "So there!" in their face.

    Time, sister, Time. It will get better. All your feelings are completely normal. You are handling things just exactly the way you're supposed to (since your counselor's away, I'll just jump in & tell you that for her)!

    You will get thru this day my friend. Glad you're getting together with bff. Give her a hug from me, I wonder how she's doing with her own difficult child. Glad you two have each other!!

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Sometimes I think we are our own best counselors and don't even know it - like you...you said

    QUOTE: I don't understand why he can't just take his daughter out to a restaurant for lunch, by himself, and spend time with her that way for a while. No, he has to create this family.

    Yes, that's exactly what he's doing. Remember when I said he has lost his comfort zone and will do whatever he can to make himself comfortable again? This is it! - And you dear, can see that for a mile. Very good.

    If life is a play - there have to be players/actors. In your HP's play there is the MAIN character (and that is being so polite on my part) the husband, the wife, the daughter and the son. Each has a role they play. Without the wife, daughter and son - the husband has "no play". It could be called the MAN show - but (I'm being so polite) that takes him out of his comfort zone. He wants the person(s) playing to role of wife to do what the script says. When he tires of how that person does in her role as wife - he replaces her and auditions another. If there is a daughter along? Bonus - if not I would suspect he'll keep going until he only finds a woman with children.

    And shame on HER for introducing her daughter to your HP. I think that RIGHT THERE would tell you what kind of woman she is, where her moral character stands, and what she thinks of her daughters feelings. I'm sure her daughter is just THRILLED about "daddy". - think about it Karen - she's a teen and her Mother is the town hussy chasing after a married (allbeit STBD man). That is sending a LOVELY message to the teenage daughter.

    As far as that house being "yours" - well at this juncture, 1/2 of the assests in your marriage or maybe more due to infidelity are yours. What is tearing at you - is the years, and memories of that house that were yours. Karen, they could burn that house down tomorrow and you would still have your memories. That's something that woman will NEVER have. Even if she chose to live with him the next 30 years - she gets the mid-life crisis and geriatric years - and if he's needy now - eesh - 80 should be a blast. Don't ya think? (insert a laugh here) haha. Are you picturing that? Yeah - now you laugh.

    K, there is no way that NONE of this is going to hurt you. And for that I'm really sorry. You are a good person, a very good person. You are a fantastic MOM, a good friend to us here and you should give yourself some credit for all the good you possess. YOU are getting counseling to make sure that you don't make or repeat the same mistakes in your life again and that is commendable. You took steps to get out of an abusive situation and that is fantastic. You are hurting right now and the best thing I can offer is a bit of been there done that advice and a hug. Nothing that anyone says is going to make watching someone else play what you considered YOUR role any easier.

    A different life will come along some day and when it finds you - it will be so peaceful, with more laughter and less crying. More caring and less aggravation. You will have people in your life surrounding a brand new, improved Karen and YOU will be happy with yourself. When that day comes I hope we're still friends and I hope I get to hear about it. The days you are living now will become but a bad memory and you will sit someday drinking wine wondering how you ever got through it or why you even cared to cry over someone who doesn't deserve you.

    Have a good day friend - Have the kind of day that's as beautiful as you are. There's more truth in that than you know.

    Tissues -
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Thank you as always everyone.
    Marg, to answer some of your questions, they aren't living at the house. HP And girlfriend are just playing house every evening there together and including her daughter sometimes. Apprantley they cook there together every night and tonight my easy child daughter gets to walk in to her house and meet some other women acting like she owns the place. I know this will not go over well with her and I know she's going because she's a teenager and her curiosity has the best of her. I suggested this morning she bring her boyfriend along so if she's uncomfortable at all, she has someone else there to support her.
    I asked her this morning if she was going straight there from work and she said, yeah I think so unless you need me to come home for awhile first. I don't want her to worry about me, so I told her I already have plans to go to dinner and shopping with Jill so I just wanted to let her know I wasn't going to be home anyway. This leaves the door open for her to decide what she wants to do without feeling disloyal to me. This isn't her fault!! Then she said, o.k., I'm probably not staying there long anyway.

    I moved out of the house because it was the best thing for me. My father in-law built this house, H grew up in it, and even though it has been my home for 24 years, I became uncomfortable being there. He moved out first into an apartment, but because he runs his business out of the house, he was there every morning before I left for work and many times when I got home from work. It was not giving me the space and time I needed to deal with everything that happened, including my mothers death. I had already decided that when the divorce was final I would be the one moving out anyway. The house we lived in is an 80 foot L shaped ranch with 5 bedrooms. I had no intention of continuing to live there and maintain it and it's much to big for my daughter and I. He wants to live in the house and will have to buy me out.

    I want my own place with my own fresh start. I love the apartment I am in, though it's only temporary until I find something I want to buy. Then the dog will come with me also.

    It doesn't bother me so much that I feel like a guest going into that house, but to do that to his children is another thing. My apartment is my home now and I love it. My daughter loves it to and said she really doesn't miss the house as much as she thought she would, but I know seeing someone taking it over isn't going to go over as easily.

    I will get through this day, and I will do it with dignity. I will go shopping tonight and have a nice dinner out with BFF.

    Tonight when easy child gets home, if she doesn't bring it up herself I will just ask her how dinner was. I will also let her know that she can always be comfortable talking to me, but if she isn't she can call Jill, who she is close to, her grandmother or her cousin if it's something she doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about.

    I know I shouldn't worry about her so much. She has proven to be such a mature well rounded young women, but I do have to remember, she is still just a teenager.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I am crying for you, and I can't even tell if they are happy or sad tears.

    I am SO MAD at HP for dragging easy child into this. But Star hit the nail on the head as to why he is doing it, and he is not capable of doing it any other way.

    I am beyond blown away at your grace and dignity.

    You go, girl.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Karen -

    He's a pig. And he seems to have a special knack for finding the most vulnerable of women because that seems to be how this woman is.

    I'm so sorry for you and for easy child. He's so incredibly self-centered that he can't even fathom that easy child won't be as happy with him as he is with himself.

  9. saving grace

    saving grace New Member


    I dont even have words...I am shaking my head wishing I knew where this A** lived. If this were me, and this is only my opinion I would NOT let this happen. He is out of his ever lovin mind to think this is a good idea. This will haunt easy child. It may not seem so right away but give it time and she will have huge resentment for this man. That is HER house, she is still processing the divorce, a move a girlfriend and now THIS. No Way, No sir E Bob!!

    I would call that waste of oxygen and very calmly but firmly with no small talk tell him that you do not think having easy child invited to her own house to meet a peer that she GOES TO SCHOOL WITH!! Is he crazy!! GO TO A RESTAURANT.

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Grace, believe me, I want to say these things. His mother has said these things to him, but he listens to no one. She has told him this is not good for her, and he insists she is fine with all of it. From what his mom said, his brother told him the same.

    The only relationship I can be responsible for is mine and hers.

    easy child is strong and I have to believe that even though this may not be easy for her, she will be o.k. She needs to make her own choices, decide what she is comfortable with and move on from there. I reminded her not to do anything she is uncomfortable with, and I know if she's not comfortable, she will stay for a short time and excuse herself saying she has plans.

    There are so many other ways he could be doing this, just as there were so many other ways he could have chosen to end our marriage besides having an affair while my mother was dying.

    Number one he shouldn't be introducing her until the divorce is final.
    Number two, at that time she should be meeting her on neutral terriroty, such as a restaraunt, or if it needed to be at the house, him and easy child should be cooking dinner together and having girlfriend and her daughter over as the guests perhaps, instead of easy child being the guest in her own home. He was the one after all that made the point of letting her know she was always welcome there and it would always be her home.

    Somehow I don't think she'll be feeling that way after this evening.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    His actions will amplify for easy child just how insensitive her father is. And years from now, when she's older and she discovers the true reasons behind this separation and divorce, she will shake her head and know.

    Hugs to you, hugs to easy child, the poor dear - she should not have to deal with so much in so little time either.
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    It took me till just now to get why this bugged me so much.

    DEX did the same, except he's a loser without his own house.

    See, when we split, he started out living in his car. Then he went back to his X (the mother of his 2 youngest boys) and stayed with her for awhile. Playing house, that is. And brought Tink over there for visits until I got the courts to put a stop to it. (all visits were to take place at his parents')

    Then he lived with his folks for awhile. This was during the time that he and I were considering a reconcilliation. Turns out that he was seeing someone else too, and as soon as I called him on it, he was living with her as well. I again tried to put a stop to it. Then I met the girl, and when I saw that she was saner than his mom, plus she had a son Tink's age, I let it go.

    After a couple months, I had to sent Tink to live with him because I was being stalked, as a matter of fact. She stayed there about 2 months, but as soon as my drama was over, he could not wait to dump her back at my house. Why? He was moving in with ANOTHER girl.

    This is the one he is playing house with now.

    What does Tink see? That when you have a girlfriend, you are supposed to live with them. This is crazy.

    His oldest son refuses to see him any more because of all his bed hopping (he just turned 14).

    So anyways, I'm getting off the soapbox. That is why HP's actions ticked me off more than normal. Because they felt eerily familiar...
  13. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Just wanted to let you know I think you're handling this with a great deal of strength and doing everything right for you and your daughter. Keep yourself available to your daughter because even at 17 this is hurting her more than she'll let on. Hard to acknowledge the failings of a parent you've loved and probably looked up to as "MY DAD". My dad had an affair(s) and after being discovered my mom kicked him out. He went off with his girlfriend and moved away, and made little effort to be in his kids lives after. My mom became so immersed in her own hurts that I don't think she realized her kids were hurt too, though in different ways and we all said we didn't care good riddance to him. She never talked about it and didn't invite talk from us. Being there for your daughter is the best thing you can do.

    {{{HUGS}}} Keep looking ahead to your own futures and how you'll find your own new, happier way.
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    This happened to boyfriend with his dad, too.

    He told him one day he was leaving (boyfriend was your PCs age). Moved right in with the other woman. They retired early moved to Florida and his mom had to continue to work for many years to raise her 4 kids and be able to live the rest of her life with some retirement.

    boyfriend still resents dad and now stepmom to this day.

    This is the reason you should be sure you get out of the divorce everything you are entitled to. Men always claim the women are money hungry, talking about giving up half, blah, blah, blah. Tough. You have a right to have a secure future and retirement. Be sure you are considering everything. Listen to the lawyers. He/she has been through tons of these.

    Be smart about it. There are reasons for the laws being what they are. It is fair. You can be sure of that.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Oh believe me, I will get 50% of everything and not one penny less!!
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think it's safe to say ANY woman who buys a $99.00 trash can - can at the least handle her money let alone herself!!

    You little harmonica playing chipmunk you! :bravo:
  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You crack me up!!!!
  18. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    K, just wanted to post & let you know I'm thinkin' bout you & bff! Hope you're enjoying yourselves.

  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member


    I don't think he's trying to create a new family, I think he's trying to hurt you. I think he's really upset that you finally told him you weren't going to put up with his nonsense anymore. Sadly, he is choosing to use your daughter as a weapon to hurt you.

    I'd be crying my eyes out, too. For your lost marriage, and for your daughter. What a lout he is.
  20. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think you're handling it very well, with a lot of grace, lots of class, way better than I would have.

    My ex tried to do the same thing. The woman he took off with had two kids - horrible kids! Disgusting kids! Just like their mother! Our son was 15 when we divorced, and instead of seeing him on his own, ex was constantly trying to shove these people down our sons' throat! Even if he had met this bunch under different circumstances, son wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them! Ex could have just taken him to McDonalds and sat for a while talking, anything where it would be just the two of them. But no, he insisted they all sit there at their house lined up on the sofa, watching TV, like a "family"! He even tried to trick our son into going on a weekend trip with them by telling him it would be just the two of them, then was going to spring the "Farkle Family" on him as they were leaving - "Guess what! THEY'RE going too!" And now, 12 years later, and even though his father isn't still married to this woman, our son still DESPISES them with a passion, and he always will! That's what happens!

    Oh, and when son didn't want to go "visit" this happy little group again, of course it was MY fault ... I must have "poisoned his mind" against them! Yeah, that's it! Right!