He really doesn't get it...GRRRRR...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KTMom91, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I had carpal tunnel surgery last Friday on my right hand. I have trouble taking care of even the basics, because I am NOT left handed, and I've twisted my wrist in strange ways trying to take care of things (like putting on pants) and can feel the stitches pull. Ow.

    I hurt. I'm frustrated. I feel helpless. I can barely feed myself or brush my teeth, and I cannot comb my hair or refill my iced tea. I'm not sleeping well, so I'm tired. It hurts to type, to hold a book, even to talk on the phone.

    Hubby has been quite wounded the past few days because I don't appreciate how hard he works, and then he gets home and has to do all these things at home, too. He has to hook up the dishwasher. He has to clean the litter boxes and the bunny hutch. He can't find socks, and he would just like a little cooperation and acknowledgement.

    OK...I get that he's working 12 hour days. I do. But I am physically unable to do much of anything right now. Three days of argument and fuss, and the tonight, I'd just finished talking to him (Miss KT and I were at Target) , and he called again while we were walking through the store. It is extremely difficult for me to get to my cell phone, and of course, I missed the call. Frustrated me, after trying to dig my phone out, so after I finally got it out of my purse, and listened to the message, I called him back, irritated because I'd just hung up with him, and proceeded to explain the difficulties involved in getting to the darn phone, in a cranky tone, I'm sure. He is now wounded again. I did not appreciate the sacrifice he made in giving up his movie ticket to get blueberries for me. I do not understand his point of view. I am not being supportive of his feelings. He came home and promptly left again.

    I feel like we're just going around in circles with this; he seems to think I should be doing more than I am, I think he is looking only at how he's being inconvenienced and isn't hearing how I'm doing. And I'm worried; the stitches hurt and feel like they're pulling. I'm just trying to hold out till Monday when they're supposed to come out. And speaking of support for your spouse? Miss KT took me to and from surgery, and will be taking me on Monday. I spent most of the day today in a hospital waiting room while Hubby had a "procedure." I give up.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I'm sorry you are hurting. CTS is very painful. Maybe you can just sit down with hubby and have a face to face and heart to heart and say your peace and explain how you feel, how you appreciate him and how when this is all over what you'd like to do for each other. Think of something you would both enjoy - so you BOTH have something to look forward to doing TOGETHER. Weathering surgery is NEVER EVER FUN. I have already told DF after his back surgery had it NOT been for his sister? I would have smothered him with a pillow, and then done something ugly. He was an AWFUL Sweedish patient. I have NO, NONE, NADA, ZIP bedside maner because when I get injured? I want to be left alone. NO babying, no help nothing. Even if I have to put VICS on my back? I'll tape wax paper on the wall, smear it on the paper -and rub my back on the paper...I want NO help. This irritates him - but to me it's like "If he does that for me? It's an open invitation for him to ask ME to be the entire 5th floor of a hospital wing if he gets a cold." Not happening and it makes me angry if he asks. I can't be a nurse, I'm not a nursey, helpful type - You get sick? I can go to work, but I want to be left out of your healing process. I can't help - I don't want to help - I'm no good at it. I feel like I'm in the way I wish you'd pick someone else. ANYONE but me. I don't know if that's how your hubby feels, but that's me.....I've spent a lot of my younger years sick and being doted over - and I think as I got older I can not stand to be helped. It's very rare that I ask for anything. It could be that he's in the boat like that. I dunno. It may have something to do with his love language too, and yours may be service -

    I do get the calls at target, and trying to get to the phone - I have a standing rule about my phone - IF i answer it - I talke to you. If I don't ? It means I didn't answer it - leave me a message and I'll call you back when I can. If you keep calling me? Calling me? Calling me? I will call you back but the house had better be on fire and you had already had better have called 9-1-1. I'm not married to my phone....and he refuses to learn how to text - so this is our deal. It's also vice versa. So far - the house stands, and no one is irritated by the phone.

    I am really sorry you are hurting - I know CTS is painful. MAYBE there is a medications increase you can call your docs office and get something a little stronger. Those stitches shouldn't feel like they are pulling out. I do know that much. I'm proud of miss KT too - Way To Go kiddo. No matter what? 12 hours working or whatever - for right now? husband's part in this is going to have to be to suck it up and deal with more around the house. If he can't nurse you? Then he can't do it - but the rest sadly for him is what it is - not too much he can do about it - and you can appreciate him later with a day off out or - something - but right now? Deal with it.

    Hugs & Love - I really do hope you feel better soon - and call your doctor tomorrow - get something better for the pain.
  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    How inconvenienced would he be if you just weren't THERE? What a butthead! I'm glad KT is being so helpful, though, cuz I know there are times when she's her own source of extra work and frustration. Hang in there... hopefully the weekend will be better for everyone.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Mine did it too. It drove me nuts.

    Like Star I'm fiercely independent to begin with. To have to ask for help with anything nearly kills me especially if I'm sick or hurting. (and if husband does help me I never hear the end of it)

    Loose fitting pants or shorts helps with the pulling up with not so much effort it hurts thing. I hung out in pjs 90 percent of the time myself. It was easier.......

    easy child is wearing a pair of sister in law's old old old sweat shorts and a baggy tank top. Leg is broke, but the rest of her body is now screaming at her too. Trying to stand on crutches while maneuvering clothes can be interesting, at least until you get used to them. She's doing more falling than walking, which is ticking me off. That huge bandage is throwing off her balance.

    Ask doctor for better pain medications if what you have isn't cutting it. Are you having muscle spasms? If so.....ask for flexerol to help. Those make the pain TONS worse. And once you get nerves aggravated it can be really hard to calm them down again. So don't try to tough it out. If you're hurting, take your pain medications. That's what they're for. easy child and I had to have a heart to heart over this one. She called me yesterday to tell me I was right. lol Stubborn girl.

    You've had a very painful surgery. I can understand husband wanting to be acknowledged for helping, but honestly this is not about him right now. This is about you healing correctly so the surgery does what it is supposed to do. In the meantime he is just going to have to svck it up and deal. Maybe when you start feeling better he can have a day off to just do what he wants. I gave sister in law a few hours of fishing with darrin the other night.

    You concentrate on healing.

    Kuddos to Miss KT for stepping up and helping instead of making it worse.

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    KT -

    I didn't want you to think that I thought you were helpless - not what I meant. I was re reading my post and thought OH LORD what if that's what she thought I meant. no....My point was kinda a mix of what GCV and Hound said better. Both have a much lovlier bedside manner than I do of that I would be sure. Just know that I know you are hurting, and even if you DO NOT need help? At this point - just some common courtesy from a spouse who could do a little over and above without whining like a child about it is much needed in this situation. You just have to find a good way to word that to him. Another area I'm afraid without a lot of distance I wouldn't be able to help you with. (makes very ugly blunt face) But you should have a talk with him and tell him how you feel.

    Hope today is better dear -
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I am a HUGE baby...lol. Especially when I am sick on top of being in this constant pain or if I have overdone something to cause the constant pain to go haywire. Tony is more of a leave me alone to suffer type of person but here lately he is moaning and groaning and trying to play the "who's pain is worse" game. Ticks me off to no end...lol. I get the "I worked 12 hours and I hurt and all you did was stay at home all day" speech at least 4 days a week. I hand him the computer and tell him the website is ssa.gov. LOL. They didnt give me disability because I was just a pretty face! Trust me on that one.

    Sometimes Tony is great about things but other times he can be the same PITA yours is. Maybe its in the male gene.
  7. keista

    keista New Member

    in my opinion HE does not appreciate all you do. Even though, now HE has to step up a bit and do 'your' work as well, He still does not seem to be making the connection of EVERYTHING you normally do, but now CAN'T. In his position, most ppl would realize how much you indeed do around the house. How you being "gone" would make things completely fall apart. How difficult your 'job' is. It may not be an epiphany that sticks or lasts for the long term, but should be activating sympathy and gratefulness towards YOU in the moment. :consoling:

    in my opinion, NO, he's not gonna get it. Maybe doesn't want to, maybe can't. Yea, I know he's your husband and as wife it's important an necessary to care for and nurture husband and his feelings and ego, BUT YOU NEED TO HEAL so yu can get back to doing everything you do. The only way I know how to deal with his whining (that's what it sounds like to me) is to ignore it. Maybe he should direct some of his complaints toward Miss KT - have her step up and do more, but I'm guessing she's doing as much as she is able. husband is a grown man, and god forbid anything serious happened to you, he'd have to do this all himself. So, ignore his whining, ignore what's not getting done, heal yourself, and deal with it once you are able to.

    I've been there done that. When I'd get sick, husband would only step up to the barest necessities - keeping kids fed, safe and clean. Everything else would go undone, which in my house is really scary since when thing are 'taken care of' it's still not a pretty picture. I would get sympathy from husband only because he'd see things falling apart, and if he 'nurtured' me maybe I"d get better faster and start doing my 'job' again.

  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'd be letting him know that his widdle feelings might be wounded, but you are actually physically wounded and he needs to suck it up.

    But, then I'm not very nice.
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    MEN! I think they're all alike! They go to work, and act like.....ok, I'm done with my part. Umm...We work all day and night, even and especially a stay at home mom. Heck, when I come home from work, then the real work starts: dinner, laundry, cleaning, making sure the kids have this or that, and I actually talk to them. If I need a hand with something, you would think I asked him to build me a rocketship or something. It is so frustrating, I completely understand!

    We can't get sick...I am so sorry your husband is not understanding, it is so frustrating!!! And you know what happens when they get sick, (don't get me started)
    Your husband better help you!!! He has no choice!! Feel better soon!!!
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lordy...we all must have clones!

    Keista, my SO Tony got an up close and personal scare about two and a half years ago on just how much my disabled self does around here...and it freaked him out. I ended up in the hospital in a coma for almost two weeks and then in a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) rehab hospital for another month and a half. I almost died.One would think after that he would appreciate what I do but no, he has forgotten. Though lately when I start to get a bit overloaded he does try to calm me down and point me in a semi-logical direction...lol.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    That was a very difficult surgery and recovery is HARD. He had better be doing a LOT mroe than hooking up the dishwasher. My mom has had her wrists fused completely. They do NOT move at all. The first doctor wasn't very good and the current one is incredible. BOTH told her that one of the major problems with wrist surgery in women is that they still do way too much with their hands after surgery and they clean dishes or load dishwashers and they wipe their tushies and they get infections easily because this. Now not wiping probably isn't an option and unless they did both wrists you don't need another person to wipe for you, you can get a tool to hold the paper and you hole the other end. THESE are what the docs pushed onto my mother. She was very glad even though she is almost totally ambidextrous (she can write forward with one hand and backward with the other at the same time - it is freaky cool to watch, lol). I am sure you wash your hands and all, but there are still a lot of bacteria around. Plus it is hard to wash hands if one is bandaged at the wrist.

    This is an example of what I am talking about: http://www.amazon.com/Jobar-JB5231-...0QW8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1307891979&sr=8-1

    I think husband needs to be reminded that you are NOT healed and you are NOT supposed to be doing ANY housework. that you put this off for as long as you could and likely longer than you should and if you don't take care while you heal it will mean MORE surgery in the future and MORE expense and MORE chores for him to do. You are supposed to be keeping your hand up above the level of your heart and resting, not cleaning or taking him places.

    have you ever thought about WHY he didn't go to the hospital with you when you had very delicate major surgery but shortly after this surgery, when you still had the blinkin' stitches in, you were supposed to stay at the hospital for so long when he had a procedure? Have you ever discussed this with him? It just seems like an unbalanced relationship where you give and give, even when it hurts but he doesn't even approach reciprocity. If you don't talk about this and figure out a way to compromise you are going to end up with a boatload of resentment and it will poison your marriage. been there done that and it is NOT easy to work through.

    I hope that you will go to Urgent Care or at least call the doctor who operated if the stitches are pulling. This is likely a sign of inflammation which means either infection, over use or both. Infection after this surgery is not something to play with. There are a lot of nerves that could be infected leading to real damage.