cuz I am living in a continuous state of panic! Big changes coming up in the next few weeks - divorce finalizing with ex, custory/visitiation aggreement we're (ok, *I'm*) piecing together and trying to cover all the bases for everyone concerned.. Moving 1500 miles west to California with difficult child, where I hear the services for mentally ill children are *amazing*, but we'll soon be without insurance, and ex mother in law really messed me over re: SSI. I owe the government $8k because of bank bonds ex mother in law put under difficult child's name about five years ago.. we've been without SSI since, and I dont know if I can even get medicaid for him with that over my head. Hoping I can get difficult child into an extended school year / partial hospital program. His current school recommended extended school year, but never got it into an IEP, so I'm working on that now. I'm sleeping maybe 4 hours a night, even on ambien, and I am sooo tired, and feeling pretty sedated during the day..and trying to get all these pieces in place are really wearing on me. My SO is helping and assuring me as much as he can, and I *know* it's gonna be better, but these last two weeks I have *so* much to do, I can't focus, I don't know what to do next or how to do it. I'm not even close to done packing. I'm terrified I'm going to miss an important detail or do it wrong. Add to that just trying to get through each day with difficult child's behavior spiraling out of control. His behavior therapist and I discussed the behavior plan / credit system and difficult child is adamant that he will not follow it. I know difficult child is torn up about the divorce, even though he and my ex get along like a couple rabid fighting dogs. I'm working to get him into a better, more stable, supportive environment, and he likes my SO, but he doesn't like the idea of following any sorts of rules at all. He's all ready fighting us on everything. Everyone agrees difficult child needs a residential placement, but 1) group home placements reportedly will not accept difficult child with his violent and also encopretic behavior. 2) Here all the residential hospitals are at least 3 hours away, and I didn't feel comfortable sending him that far away where we'd never get to see each other. 3) Even with insurance it's like $500 a week, from what we've experienced so far.. I just don't have that. How do you get them help? One of our caseworkers, after witnessing a pretty serious rage, suggested we surrender difficult child to the state and get him hospitalized that way. After another few rages recently, I asked about the behavior therapist about it, and he said no, you can't do that. I wish they were all on the same page. He's been hospitalized 3 times for a week at a time, and it's done *nothing*. He needs long term, not just stabilization. I really have my hopes up for a partial hospital program, but not sure how to make it happen. Even then, are they going to address the encopresis, or ignore it like the other times he was hospitalized? I can't see going another five years with his behaviors - smearing, urinating where he shouldn't, his threatening to kill us, raging tantrums, stealing, hoarding things.. I know in a few weeks I'm going to have some amazing support, but in the meantime, I'm panicking. I'm going back to work after almost 14 years of being home. I'm pretty much agoraphobic, I haven't left the house since 2008 if I haven't absolutely had to. I can tell you when and what dates I have left the house since early 2008, and probably have fingers left over. I have no real skills. I am so freaking out about going back to work and dealing with *people* all day! People scare me! The past few years have just been survival mode. I was totally detached on medications for depression/anxiety/sleep problems for over 18 months 2007/2008, things went way downhill, and I have a lot to make up for. I'm trying not to give in and go back on the medications. I'm not *unhappy*, I'm not depressed, I just need help figuring out what I'm doing! I'm overwhelmed. Please don't attack me, I don't have a normal feelings filter, whatever you call it.. I got chewed up and spit out on another board recently for sharing what was going on in my life. I just need to bounce this stuff off someone who knows what it's like, need some ideas, direction, or just some encouragement.