Hello friends~

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Apr 5, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey everyone, how are you all doing? Someone tipped me off that I’ve been missed! I’ve been absent these past few months due to a variety of reasons. I was signed up for two classes but after the first class I thought it would be too overwhelming for me. There was a lot of work, the teacher seemed a bit psycho and caring for my mom, even though she’s in a nursing home, was already overwhelming for me. So, I dropped one class and I’ve not been myself. Let me explain…☺

    This past winter has just been brutal – more so than any other year I can recall, even my first alone in CT after my divorce some 19 years ago. Argh. I just declined and fell into a depression…I was able to function, though it was difficult. The care of my mom, the schedule of visits and overseeing her care at the home was incredibly difficult and of course, working with my loco sister to that end didn’t make it any easier. The fact is, my sister is a real pita. At least I don’t beat myself up anymore over not wanting to spend with her – at least any time other than required!

    And then…Is it normal to fantasize about your funeral? The music that will be played, where it will be held, the guests, who will cook, who will get my most personal belongings, who will read my diaries and what will they think, etc? I think everyone at one time or another imagines their wake/funeral, etc., but I was taking it to a new level. Sometimes when listening to my iPod, I still make mental notes to remove a song or two because I wouldn’t want it played at my funeral, lol (prior to this period in my life, I told H, PC23, PC21, & loco sister to just play my iPod at the service when I died…sick). Anyway, things like that were running through my head almost daily along with ideas of how much better I would feel if I were just dead. Oh, that looks terrible to see it in writing. When I thought like that, I wasn’t even sad, just very matter of fact. I still sort of think these things, but try not to let it freak me out. The Wellbutrin XL has helped keep me stable, but still no sense of joy – I mean JOY. You know when you try to pump yourself up into a good mood? I try to stick to my idea of always finding something to be thankful for EVERYDAY, and often post something uplifting on my Facebook as a reminder to myself, but it doesn’t always work. But I try. In addition – OR – perhaps because of the depression or vice versa, I had some strange inflammatory stuff going on that caused my DR to order all sorts of wonderful tests, blood work, ultrasounds, you name it. It was a real bother, but I was inflamed and in pain, so I went along with it. I’ve also had one LONG steady sinus infection and seem to have caught just about every cold within a 10 mile radius – lol. I have since FINALLY dropped my Dr and got a new one, who I am hoping is better since she’s a REAL DR and not an APRN and she’s also an internal Dr. I’ve only met her once but she seems good. difficult child also signed up for the new Dr and likes her a lot – she’s gone a few times. So during all this, time just plodded on and school was interesting even if work was boring.

    H and I are a shaky okay, not in the way of we’re hanging in there, but we’re truly okay if not for a few missing components to what a ‘normal’ marriage would seem. I can live with that for now. I mean, the man suffers from SAD every year, so it doesn’t help that I am not there to be a support for him in any way, shape or form as per usual. I’ve been preoccupied lately with trying to arrange mini getaways for us, to no avail. He’s been very resistant to the idea. I am also making plans with easy child for a week away in August which I cannot wait for. I have almost resigned myself to the fact that I may be traveling with my daughters, sisters or friends for the rest of my life as H really doesn’t like to travel anymore and I am finding that I enjoy it quite a bit!

    My mom’s situation has improved, she’s settled in…of course, just as loco sister and I were making arrangements to send her back to PA – for various reasons – she’s made a friend. So, now what do we do? Do we send her back because she seemed happier in PA and had MANY friends, including a boyfriend but only one person to visit her…or…do we keep her here where she has ONE friend, a crappy roommate, lots of hours of solitude but a lot of people to visit her? WWYD? I’m still on the fence and hoping that once Spring is here things will improve. At least the staff is nicer now that she’s been there a few months and they let her foul mouth roll off. Haha.

    I don’t spend too much time worrying about my girls. They are adults and make their own choices. I may not always agree with them, but this winter has allowed me, albeit through depression, to focus even more on me and H rather than them and their stuff. easy child broke it off with her boyfriend, you may recall he was a very cute, but a pothead and not very motivated 28 year old. difficult child is living with her boyfriend – the 30 year old father of two young boys with an ex who is psycho. That’s her burden to bear, I told her she could move back home if she wanted to since things have been rocky between them, but she won’t leave her dog (I am allergic so she can’t bring another dog home!). So, that is what it is.

    Despite the long ill winter, I am still here and Spring is trying (not hard enough in my opinion) to eke her way into the northeast – wish she’d hurry it up already. I see the greens of crocus and daffodils and tulips trying to make their way up through the frozen earth and that’s uplifting to me. It’s finding the nice things in the everyday that help, you know? I’m involved in planning vacations and getaways for me and my girls (and H if I can drag his ***** with me) and at work we’re getting ready for our Summer events, which I do most of the planning for. I am deciding on classes for the Summer and Fall, not sure if I want to load up for the Summer or even Fall, as I don’t want to overwhelm myself. And I’m trying to take on line classes so I don’t waste gas traveling to and from campus, which is 20 miles away. Oh, and I also joined the gym to both lose weight and get into shape but also as a healthy release. And I broke down and bought a tanning package for the light therapy, it helps. I know all about the risks, so please…right now I just want to feel better.

    So, those ar the primary reasons I've been missing in action...I have nothing to offer anyone and needed the time to be miserable I guess, lol. Anyway, that's my update for the most part. This would be a book if I spilled it all. Thanks for the inquiries – nice to be missed. Love you all~

    Soon I will take some time to catch up with what's going on with everyone and post again. Hugs.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi sweetheart!

    I'm glad you checked in. Sounds like life has been standing on you for a while now. Heavily standing.

    You may not have "anything to offer", but that's OK. We love you anyway!

    As for that tanning package - hon, it's got good points and bad. If you are using it for the light therapy? GO FOR IT!!! Just remember sunscreen and all will be well.

    And I'd let your Mom stay where people can visit her, hon. That's just my $0.02. I suspect someone else might disagree.

    :hugs: good to see you!!!
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Good to hear from you again, and I hope things get better with the spring.
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo!!! I have missed you! I made your biscotti at Christmas and it was a huge hit!

    I, too, have had an awful winter - despite being a newlywed. I am very happy, but I just have zero energy. doctor did find low Vitamin D (it was 8 - should be between 30 & 70). And the therapy has brought it to 30, but I still do not feel right. I wonder if there is something in the air?!

    I think you should keep your mom near you. Transitions are always tough on the elderly. It will get better each week. I just lost my mother-in-law 2 weeks ago. Very sad. I am so glad she was close by so we could spend time with her. We even had her overnight a few weeks before she passed.

    Feel better, k?
  5. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Jo- I've always appreciated your insight & advice. It's wonderful to hear from you again, please don't be a stranger.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Good to see you again, Jo!
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Yay! That you're back! Booo that you've been in the thick of it! Winter time bit the big one for most of us too!

    Thanks for the update...glad mom's made a friend!

    Remember, we've all got your back! :Grouphug:

  8. ML

    ML Guest

    I am so glad you are back. I missed you. Thank you for the update and I want you to know how sorry I am to hear you have been depressed. I just started back on antid's and am giving Wellbutrin a try. I would be interested in hearing what the lab tests show when they come back. Bigs hugs xoxo
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Jo- so good to see you post. You've been missed. :)

    Big hugs,
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey kiddo,

    Well here I thought you were hunting bear! Sounds like you were trying to find your smile. Huh. Lemme see (digs in bag....rummages around) Ah HA! It's really there - just a few (groans) minor...(squeek) adjustments....WOW...ahhhh there it is...See Beths post? All that hugging? There it is!

    You know the part where you ask about planning the funeral and all that? Could anyone see that or have I done that? Yes, matter of fact I did. When I was on the wrong anti depressant. Since you have this new doctor you are comfy with? Why not run this past her? I did mine, because at first I thought "Why am I doing this? Is it because I want attention?" Then I was told that idealizations of death are often from improper medication. Once I was taken off Zoloft? I was better. I want you to understand this too - I wasn't suicidal, I was quite comfortable in just thinking about my death, not carrying it out, but constant thoughts about our own mortality aren't healthy either - they are a sign of a deeper problem. This is what I was told by my doctor. Just wanted to share that with you. Maybe you just need a medications tweak? I have no idea, but I would talk to my doctor. The part that got me personally? I kept not wanting to say anything because I thought it was just me wanting someone to care that I'd be gone. That wasn't it at all. A week later when I did share it with my psychiatrist? I was immediately taken off Zoloft.

    The trip you're planning sounds awesome! August is such a lovely month to vacation - it's my birth month - so get me something nice. lol.

    And you're still in school - you little Einstein you. Dang - What is your major again? Were you going to be a Nurse? I forget. If you're going to be a nurse you can help me with my memory. lol.

    And you know - your husband - well - meh -------I just don't know what to say. Bambi's rule - Bambi's rule.

    As far as your Mom? I'd take her back to ALL her friends - not just the one. Crusty room-mate and 1 friend does NOT trump ALL the friends. I'm sure they'd welcome her back heartily and you sound like you need the break. At least ONE break would do you good. You've gotten your feet

    Loca de Pita sister....Bambi's rule Bambi's rule. Poor thing you. Wow.

    Anyway....whatever it is that you don't think you have? You got it girlllllllllll friend. (snicker) You got it in hearts and roses!

    Anyway - you should know when you are sad, we are the group that makes you glad. And we'll bear hunt with you too. or snipe hunt. Or Squirrel hunt (points up) but NOT super squirrel hunt - she's extra special....and makes a mean bowl of soup.

    Seriously - call your doctor, ask about the thing with the thing.....and the ipod....by the way did you include any Ozzy? ROCK ON LIL sister......(bangs head)

    Okay NOW it's a party! (oh she is NOT right)
    You know you are loved right? Right!
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey! I have missed you! Feel better.

    About mom. Keep her close because she is very close to your heart. There is family close by that can visit too. She will make more friends with time. My opinion.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's so great to 'see' you all! Thank you for all the warm thoughts, hugs and well wishes. I think loco sister and PA sister are also leaning towards mom staying here. I am a Mommy-glommer, so of course I want her close by...but I also want her day to day life to be full of joy. I don't want to rely on one person to bring it all to her. That's a lot to ask, isn't it? I guess we will decide when the place in PA calls when a bed opens up.

    Thanks Star, for mentioning the medications, I will check with new DR. And get her take on it. Because it seems so weird to me, I haven't mentioned it to my therapist...perhaps I should! Duh.

    It's sunny here today, have a great one and hugs to all~