Hello, my name is Jenn

[Pandora_2024]

My name is Jenn and I found this group and I thought I would give it a try.
I am at my whitts end with my 13 yr old son.
He has only been with me for a little over 2 years
He lies and steals like it is a part of every day life.
He has no respect for other adults or otherwise. He can talk his way out of anyhitng. he even talked the police from taking him to the hospital and can do the same to his counselors I have taken him to.
I have been to countless people and called them and no one seems to want to help, put hin in counseling they say. He made a spear out of a steak knife and a piece of wood. He has been a danger to his younfer brothers. He had 3 knoves at school, one on the bus, one hideen in his coat linning an da butter knofe in his locker. He has an IEP at school and even with that he is failing every grade. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and the last trip to get him evaluated the Dr, said he had opposistional defiance disorder. I have done every thing from grounding him to giving him things back. He seems like he has no consequences of his action adn like he does not think before he does it.
I am looking at alternative schools but no help there either. He is to get evaluated later in the summer so I am crossing my fingers they will find something else.
He also intentionally burned himself with a ciggerate lighter when I got his brother from days care. There is other stuff to.
This is hard on our family and me and him I am sure. I want to help him and I am not sure how.

 

[buddy]

Hi Jenn, welcome. Is this your bio son? step son? foster/adopted??? Not that it matters in our hearts, it makes a difference in their history sometimes. Yeah, a new evaluation sounds in order big time, good thing you have that going on. This seems way more than adhd. Does he take any medications or anything? Why does he say he has the knives?

I'm glad you are here. Lots of us can understand how hard it is to live with a child who is really difficult.

In his school is he in a sp. ed. class or is he in the mainstream with "support"? It sounds like he needs a step up. Maybe you can call and IEP meeting and tell them they are depriving him of FAPE and they need to figure out how to help him better because he is failing all his classes..... Just a thought.

 

[Pandora_2024]

He is mine biologically. Long back story I wont get into but I am sure that is causing him some issues.
yes he has taken almost every adhd medication out there. Right now he is on mededate and he was on seriquill but all it made him do was sleep so I took him off of it. Someone told my to try l tyrosen or something like it so I am going to ask his Dr tomorrow and I am going to aske her if w can start over and have him evaluated sooner.
He said he had the knoves for protection because an older kid was picking on him. My son is a 6th grader.
His classes are main stream, but he has an IEP he goes to a few special classes but they are not enough and we have an IEP meeting next week.
Because he has been failing all year I was thinking about hime schooling him but not sure I can do it.
what is a FAPE? I just have know one around who knows what it is like. I really try not to lose my temper with him but day in and day out and it never gets better.

 

[buddy]

FAPE Free Appropriate Public Education:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_Appropriate_Public_Education

 

[susiestar]

Welcome! It sounds like you have a lot on your hands. First and foremost, it sounds like no one knows what is really going on with him. Most of our kids get the adhd diagnosis and odd diagnosis first, and then we learn that there is a LOT more going on. Some of the names of the problems sound dire, but many are not. They all mean that a lot of help is needed, but the right diagnosis tells you some things about what kind of help is needed.

Many of us recommend finding a neuropsychologist to do a full evaluation because the good ones do very thorough testing - 8-12 hrs of it broken into several appts. You can find neuropsychs at children's hospitals usually. He should also have Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor problems and a complete Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation esp for auditory problems. IF the Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation find auditory problems then testing by an audiologist would pinpoint the problem and help find a solution. He also likely needs to be evaluated for assistive technology - computers and other tech that can help support him.

In the meantime, The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and What Your Explosive Child Is Trying To Tell You by Dr. Doug Riley are books we recommend no matter what the problems are because the methods really work. They are NOT traditional parenting and they may seem counter-intuitive, but they really work.

You will get LOTS of support, info and ideas here, as well as people who truly have been there done that and won't judge you, so stick around!

 

[pasajes4]

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this with your child. I too came to this site due to my sons many issues. It helps to know that others are dealing with the same issues. I have learned a lot by visiting this site. I hope you are able to get an evaluation soon.

Have they had failure ARD's to determine why he is failing and what THEY can do about it?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there and welcome?

To really help, it would be good to have a back story on him. Why has he only been with you for two years? Has he been in foster care or is he a stepchild from an abusive or non-nurturing situation? I am thinking about attachment issues....

Most of us do not find an ODD diagnosis helpful. It does not address why the defiance is going on.

I'm an adoptive mom and if he came to you later in life, I would not take his behavior personally nor would I expect this to be anything but a very long, hard trek. Children who aren't nurtured by a consistant caregiver early in life tend not to learn how to attach well and think that nobody will be there for them except for themselves...they can be difficult to parent, sometimes impossible (as in this is not your fault). Unfortunately, they can also be very pleasant to outsiders, cover their hynies well and be very good at sweet talking therapists, policemen, anyone. We had a child like that. We adopted him at 11. He is not with us anymore. He was too dangerous to live with a family.

Do you have safety plans in place so that he does not have free access to your younger children when you are not with him (like at night?). What has he done to them that you know of? If he is adopted, have you spoken with the agency? I think you really all need family therapy.

 

[busywend]

Welcome?

A couple more questions. Are you in the US? And the long back story, does it involve him being away from you right from birth? If so, I would be looking into Attachment disorders.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Jenn. Welcome. You've found the right place to rest here, with wonderful, supportive, insightful parents who are willing to share their expertise, wisdom, information and truckloads of support. I have been the recipient of this support and it is life-changing. I don't have anything to offer you since my issues are different with my difficult child, but I just wanted to welcome you aboard and send you warm wishes and hugs with the hope your path gets easier..........

 

[Pandora_2024]

Thank you.

 

[Pandora_2024]

yes I am in the US. He was 4 months old, but it was out of my control because his dad left and signed custody to his mom and I did not know and they moved so much after a time we all lost touch.

 

[Pandora_2024]

Thank you.
no I do not think anyone truly knows what is going on with him and it is so frustrating.
He goes sometime this summer for an evaluation that is social, physical, neurological and something else I can never remember all 4.
I will check into those books.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Do you have any idea of what his life was actually like from the time he left your care, until you got him back?
Because... that may well be the single most important factor.

 

[Pandora_2024]

L- back story

His dad and I was together, we seperated. His dad got mad that I left him.
L's aunt was in Fla when he was born and wanted to know if she could take him back up to NC for a visit with the rest of the family. I said yes.
When he left the house he was fine. two days later I got a call from the family that he was in the hospital. I went up there of course. They said he was undernurished and soemthing else, this was 13 yrs ago so I do not remember. The Dr. said he was fine but did not know wether to send him home with me or his dad, so I took him out against medical advice. Less then a week later his dad and his gma had got an emergency custody order for NC and VA accepted it adn they barely gave me tine to get him dressed and in the carseat before they took him.
Less then a month later we all went to court. It was them against me and I had no lawyer. They awarded His gma temporary custody andI was to have visitation. I saw him before I left that day. For 2 years straight I tried to see him, they would not let me, they moved alot or hi him when he was around in the same town. We all kind of moved on with our lives adn lost touch.
I found his aunt on FB got in touch with her, and she got me in touch with her mom. Well we talked, she told him about me, we meet on Thankisgiving and that same year oover Christmas break he came to visit and he has been twith me since. He lived with his dad off and on for a few years as well.
That's our story.

The htings he has done to the kids, for tyhose who have asked. He almost sufficated his 8 yr old brother, by time dad got down there the 8yr old could not almost breath.
He has had a rope aorund the lil ones neck pulling them. SPinning them around and letting them fall on the concrete floor.

He is watched now around the lil kids dn is not to be around them without supervision by an adult or his older brother.
My concern to is the 3 yr old calls L his best buddy. I know he does not know any better..but it bothers me.

Has anyone heard the link about Amino acids and ADHD? Was looking into it cause my sons Dr. this mornin was a butt.

I do not mine opening up and being honest as long as it is a safe place to do so. I just get so much **** from the Dr. its not funny that I am not doing things the right way and that they are at the end of what they can do for a general practioner.

Than you every one for the welcome and advice.

 

[Pandora_2024]

no I dont anly what I have been told his gma is coming down to get him this summer. I will talk to her more in depth when she does.

 

[buddy]

That must have been very heart breaking. Since you dont know what his life was like really, and since of course, even if it is not your fault, it hurts a young child to lose their primary care taker/primary bond....usually the mom....he really could have (among other things maybe) attachment problems.

some of the information I am sharing with you will seem like it wont apply by the title, because most about attachment is written by people connected with adoption. BUT attachment issues happen because in the very early years....pregnancy (I believe) but for sure birth to 3/4 there is a break in the bonding cycle. These are the years our core personality traits which allow us to trust others, depend on others, develop feelings of sympathy and empathy for others, develop. This is time we learn basic social connections skills. If there is a disruption (due to illness, pain, adoption, custody issues, abuse, neglect, many reasons) then there is a chance that some form of Reactive Attachment Disorder may develop. This is a spectrum disorder. From having problems not wanting to separate ever from parent(s), not being able to trust, having odd behaviors like hoarding food, having potty issues like peeing and pooping in strange places, or on things or smearing it....hurting animals and/or hurting people, acting out (some maybe even sexually), using anyone to get their needs met (not using mom or dad or whoever the primary is to trust the most, to ask for help or food or whatever)...acts just as bonded to a near stranger. May be sweet and charming and manipulative to others and then awful to the primary person they are trying to bond with....usually mom. Often sibs and animals/pets become targets of abuse by these kids. Some actually become completely anti-social. some start fires but this is a small minority of the whole range but there are people here who have lived it. Many of us have kids not as severely on the spectrum.

So, here are some links that may help. If you feel it could be part of what is going on it takes a specialized kind of therapist. If someone tells you they can work with it, and then they dont include you completely in the treatment, RUN....since it is attachment therapy the source of attachment must be a part of it. Make sure they are experts in treating attachment disorders, not "just have seen a few".

This may or may not be part of what is going on but it is a logical thing to check out given the history he has lived. Remember, he does nto need to have all of the symptoms to have problems in this area. So, it may be a piece of the puzzle that will really help you to look at. Hang in there....it is not easy to parent a child with such intense needs. It is very important as you obviously are doing...to get help regardless of the diagnosis because your other children are at huge risk from him. HUGS to you....

 

[allhaileris]

I don't have a way to point you to what's going on with him. But with school, find out if there is an organization in your area that provides advocates for when the IEP is done. They can go to the meeting with you and help "fight" for what he needs. FAPE is a great backup to help with the IEP, basically, all kids need to learn, but they don't all learn the same way or at the same levels. He is supposed to be given the tools at school so that he can be given the same educational opportunities that neurotypical (normal) kids have.

 

[BusynMember]

Does your doctor think putting a rope around his brother's neck is part of ADHD? If so, I'd find another one. Soon!

 

[keista]

((((HUGS)))) Welcome!

First and foremost, get this child into therapy. NOW His aggressive behavior is definitely a problem, and it's NOT ADHD. Can he have ADHD? Sure, but what you are describing is NOT ADHD. Something very serious is going on with your son and he (and you) need help NOW.

Have you discussed his behavior with his gma? Does she share similar stories with you or is she shocked by what you're telling her? Whatever she tells you is a big part of the puzzle. Even if she tells you nothing. Sometimes silence speaks volumes.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sorry to raise this possibility, but...
If this isn't something related to some form of attachment disorder, then I'd be strongly suspecting sexual abuse.
Yes, it happens to boys, too... and is extremely destructive.

Physical abuse can cause this problem too, but usually only if it is extreme. Sexual abuse only has to happen ONCE - and it might not be something gma or anybody else knows about.