Hello seeking some advice

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dadalm, Oct 31, 2009.

  1. dadalm

    dadalm New Member

    Hello all. I've been reading on the board for about three weeks now, trying to come up with ideas. I thought now would be a good time for me to post and see what others had to say.

    I have been dealing with difficult child's for several years now. I really thought that I had a good handle on things.

    About a month ago difficult child 2 was on his way to school on the bus trying to talk to another kid (younger) and apparently the other kid didn't want to talk. difficult child 2 just kept after it thinking that what he was doing was ok. The other kid started singing a song that difficult child 2 does not like.

    Quick note on what that is--difficult child 1 made up a stupid song; I don't even know how it goes. difficult child 1 taught it to the younger kid (whom happens to be a neighbor at other parent (OP) house). difficult child 1 and the other kid know that it upsets him. I have a suspicion that the song is designed to make fun of difficult child 2.

    Anyway--difficult child 2 started making threats to the other kid, which landed him in trouble at school. Suspended for one day, on home school for three weeks pending the result of a psychological evaluation paid for by the school. He is back in school, although not allowed to ride the bus until a re-evaluation is done in JAN.

    difficult child 2 is a generally good child. His threats were generated from a video game that I should have never let him play. That's my fault and I will be kicking myself in the butt for it for a long time to come. We no longer have the game, but still yet, the damage is done. He will usually do anything that I ask of him. His real trouble spots are dealing with frustration and social skills. We have started some counseling to deal with these items.

    difficult child 1--this kid loves to pick. But it seems to be only towards difficult child 2. And when he has a friend to show off in front of, it seems to get much worse. He is a smart child. Knows how to lie, does it on a regular basis. And nosy--good lord is he nosy. Wants to know what is going on with everything. I have gotten to the point of just not answering him when I feel that it is none of his concern.

    The OP--absolutly useless. Like a screen door on a submarine. Works two jobs just to pay the rent. Very little supervision of the kids. Most of difficult child 1's picking happens at OP's house. I try very hard to keep it from happening here.

    difficult child's go to school in the district OP lives in. When I get up for work, I wake them and take them there. After school, difficult child's each go to different places untill I can get there to get them.

    I told OP that I wanted to move them to SD where I am living. There is more stability here than there for them. This idea was not taken well. I haven't given up on it yet, even offering for difficult child 1 to stay with OP and difficult child 2 live with me.

    I want the best for both of them. I've tried being fair to both kids and both of us as parnets. But my patients is running out.

    I would appreciate any and all responses.
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome! I am a little confused about some of the details- you say you wake the kids up and take them to school, but then it sounds like they don't live with you and are in a different sd. Can you clarify?

    Anyway, my first suggestion would be to have neuropsychological testing done privately if you can. Some insurance companies pay for all of it but most pay for some of it and the parent has to pay the rest. I would be concerned about the sd doing a little testing and having nothing else to go on.

    It doesn't sound like the kids are too bad- at least based on what you have written here and as compared to most of our difficult child's on the board. LOL! Are there other behaviors or issues you have concerns about?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    I admit the post is confusing to me.

    Has either child ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? Is the one that has social problems on the autism spectrum, maybe Aspergers? How was his early development?

    Maybe you could try to break it down more clearly. Welcome to the board :)

    Any psychiatric disorders or substance abuse on either side of the kid's family tree?

    So are both kids living with different parents?
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    klmno & MWM, my take on this is that the two difficult child's live with him, but they go to school in OP's district. He takes them to OP's house in the morning so they can get to school on the bus, and after school they go to separate places for care until he can pick them up after work. One of those places where they spend time is OP's house, where little-to-no-supervision takes place, and difficult child 1 is having a bad influence on difficult child 2. He wants to move and OP is objecting.

    Do you have full custody dadalm?
  5. dadalm

    dadalm New Member

    maybe i'm showing how confused i am myself.

    OP and i live in the same county. however, due to our locations, the sd is different. i hope that i'm saying that right.

    they go to school where OP is located. they do not live here all the time. it's about a 50/50 split. for a long time now it was just easier for them to go to school where OP is. they are not split up (one here, one there) and on the nights that they stay here, if there is school the next day, i wake them, take them to OP's place and they get ready for and go to school. there would be better stability if they lived and went to school here where i am. OP doesn't like this idea. says wants to be involved, but never makes an effort to be involved. OP was an only child. allowed to do whatever, whenever. only example to go by? maybe, i don't know.

    testing has not been done by neuropsychologist. i guess that i have never felt much of a need for it yet. i don't feel like difficult child 2 is on the autism spectrum; i just feel like he has a hard time making friends. the evaluation done by the school was done due to the nature of the threat made to the younger child on the bus. in my opinion, the school didn't know what to do about it and paid someone to tell them what they should do. but nonetheless, what's done is done and i'll just have to deal with that for now.

    no disorders or abuse from my side of the family. OP says that there is disorders on that side, but i don't know enough to speak intellegentlly about what they might be.

    they are really not that bad. difficult child 1 just loves to get a reaction out of difficult child 2 any way he can and has taught his buddies how to do the same.

    difficult child 2 has had no contact with the younger kid since so he's doing somwhat better.

    i would say more than anything, i want difficult child 1 picking behavior stopped and for difficult child 2, some better coping and social skills.

    hope this clarifies a little better.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the clarification.

    Ok, this is my opinion.

    That bad or not, if you felt desperate enough to post here, which is hard to do the first time, I think both should have a NeuroPsychology evaluation. Now I realize men have a harder time accepting something may be wrong than women :tongue: but it's true. It does your child no good to decide he "just has trouble making friends." You need to learn about Aspergers. And you need to frankly ask OP what sort of issues are in her family tree. They are 50% of both your children's DNA and they can inherit her stuff. in my opinion he needs a total evaluation as does the other one.

    Again, I feel it's best to test the kids AND to get into some sort of family therapy that involves OP. It's the norm for one parent to blame the other. She probably blames you. The truth is, both kids could have disorders, making them harder to parent for both of you. If you and OP aren't on the same page, and you both literally have the kids 50/50, your kids are going to be confused. I don't think any of us on the board can answer your questions. You need professionals to get involved and school personnel are usually pretty useless. The price is right, but you get what you pay for.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.