Hi Beta and everyone,
My apologies….again and again, for not posting sooner, I have been busy trying to catch up with my jungle garden, spending time with family, and actually putting my artist hoard to use, back to painting.
I don’t see Tornado and Rain very often, and when I do it is…..distressing, disturbing, and makes me sad. The feelings cascade through me, but I can’t allow myself to despair over their lifestyles, as I have no control over their choices and going to the edge of the rabbit hole is a terrible ordeal. Looking back at these long years since they have fallen into addiction and the consequences there of, there is this distinct pattern of them disappearing into their using, then reappearing with some sort of calamity, health and abusive boyfriend issues for Rain, and Tornado, in and out of jail, rehab. My participation in that patterning is slowly dwindling, I still go through a process when I see them, but not as devastating as in years past. Am I calloused? I think a bit, one has to develop some sort of thick skin in order to survive. Rain is still living under a bridge, Tornado is someplace in hiding as she has a bench warrant. She says she is in a house with her ex boyfriend’s family, who knows? It’s been a long stretch of time and misery for the family, so at one point, it becomes a macabre routine, a continuous loop of sorts. The only way to survive is to find pathways to pull out of the loop, stop knee jerk reacting and learn and relearn responses to maintain sanity. Not an easy task. I find giving them to God over and again has helped me tremendously, but do have to work at avoiding the slippery slope of regressing into overwhelming circular thinking and feeling. Beta you mentioned how difficult it is to be far away from your wayward son, but also how hard it is for those of us who have had to see the twists and turns of addiction and homelessness up close. I think both are equally difficult. These are our beloveds, no matter where they are, it is a heart wrench to know the degradation of their choices.
Glad to “see” you Dad, focusing on the good things and prayer helps me too.
Hi Nomad, oh my gosh, you have been through so much with your daughter. God bless and keep you and your husband.
Im glad for her, ksm. I hope that she continues.
I am amazed at your strength in caregiving for your great grandson. He has love and stability with you and your husband. Tornado is much like your granddaughter. She is in a disconnect with her children, and now 4 grandchildren, through her eldest son. But, she wants to know they are “there” for her.
I’m so sorry for your loss, k. May God carry you through this difficult time.
Wow. Oh my.
Prayers going up for your health Nandina.
How I know those feelings Letgo.
It is a hard road to travel, Beta, but you are so worth the effort to live your best life, despite what your sons choices are.
This. Tornado used to talk of “unconditional” love and I know I’ve written of it many times. Her definition of that is that her family should be there for her, no matter what she does. She has completely bypassed the hurt she has inflicted with her choices. No apologies, just pops in and out.
I think I have gone through (and still go through) a myriad of levels, emotions and posts trying to reckon circumstances with my two. I know what they are capable of, and am on edge when they are in my home. I don’t trust them, not one bit. Is it that they are “bad”? Well, yah. Who the heck just comes with so many expectations, but no remorse, no natural affection, the list goes on. I have to see them for what they are, what their choices have been, how far they have stooped in my home.
I see you Nomad. It is like some sort of awful game.
This seems to be my two as well. When they were very young, loving decent little humans. Looking back, the changes I saw were around puberty. They have become unrecognizable through these years. My well daughters often say that they are not “them” anymore. They are in the same shell, but not the same sisters they remember. They give me the grace of going through the process I need to when I have had contact, but they are more stoic. Tornado and Rain are not who I knew them to be. They are too busy chasing dragons. We are just potential victims of their manipulation.
I do have hope, but the years, the history of encounters and repetitive same old same old have taken its toll. How does one balance faith and hope with the harsh, in your face reality and ugly truth of what our beloveds have become?
I am traveling northeast in two weeks, my Moms health is fading and my sister does not think she will be here for my usual fall journey. I can’t tell my two that I am going to visit their grandmother. I worry that they will take advantage of my absence. I suppose, Copa, that is a sort of labeling them “bad”. It is also a cognizance of what has happened in the past and what they are capable of. How sad to have to set such boundaries with one’s own adult children. To recognize and understand that they have lost so much of what is good and decent, to be able to see me as an opportunity, more so than see me as their mother. I believe it is coupled with their own self degradation, their own demise into their addiction and lack of boundaries and self care. If they do not have self love, self respect, how can they love or respect others? When Rain had her health scare in January, I had her come to my home, I think I posted of it. Her boyfriend, Mumbles showed up and I felt entrapped and scared. I do believe she called him, and when I texted my well children they came on the fly to talk with her about it. She was confrontational and spouting about us living in our “comfort boxes” whilst she and others like her struggle on the streets. She defended her abusive boyfriend saying how “he is the only one that shows up for me.” Etc. How we can just “go to the ATM and get money, while they have to struggle to survive. It’s all turned around in her head. We are the “normies” and they are the outcasts. We are despised for what we have, but at the same time, a convenient place to pop up for a shower, a change of clothes. Sigh.
Tornado recently posted on Instagram “The world is better off without me.” I called her and asked her “What is going on?” She laughed and said she’s okay, that she is too self absorbed to do anything drastic, that she just wanted to see who would respond. Who the heck does that? Tornado, Tornado does that and it’s a pretty twisted thing to do.
Got to keep building that toolbox and keep the armor shined up.
God help us all.
Much love to you dear friends. Keep up the good fight. It is not an easy battle, that’s for sure.
We are worth every effort to uphold and maintain our dignity, peace and joy.
Nui ke Aloha,
New Leaf
