help me!!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 2128, Nov 20, 2007.

  1. 2128

    2128 New Member

    i am in some dire need of help here. i have a 10 yo son who is very defiant. constanly argues with me, bullies his brother around, lies on a regular basis and has done some ocassional stealing. when told to do something, he responds with "no". when told not to do something, he does it any way. hateful to everyone.

    if you have questions, ask me. any advice would be appreciated.

    and forgive me for being stupid, but, what does "difficult child" mean?
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Welcome. A difficult child is the child that brought you here. It stands for gift from god---although sometimes that is said sarcastically. Has your son seen any doctors for evaluation? Is he one any medications? You may want to do a profile. If you look at the bottom of my page you will see what one looks like. You can access yours through the my stuff link at the top of the page. Again, welcome. Others will be along shortly.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Mine is 9 and he's driving me NUTS tonight!!! The closer we get to ANY holiday, he gets worse.

    Anyway, welcome to the board. What you might want to do is read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. He gives some insight as to how our kids minds work. The first couple of chapters almost feels like he's talking about YOUR kid!!!

    They say there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Tonight my tunnel is a black hole.

    That being said, I'm usually more up beat but this has been a pretty rough week.

    Once you do your profile, we can give you a few ideas to try!

    Has he had a neuropsychologist? Is he in counseling? How's school going? Is he taking any medications?

    Hope it gets a little better for you today!

    Again, welcome to the crowd!!!

  4. I'm going crazy!!!

    I'm going crazy!!! New Member

    mine's 6 with adhd & odd

    no need for mine to drive me i already know the way :crazy2:
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just wanted to pop in to say welcome! You've found a soft place to land-you will find much support here. :flower:
  6. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    I agree it is wonderful here! Your difficult child sounds like you are talking about my difficult child. There are so many great people here and if nothing else, it is nice to know you are NOT the only parent going though this.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hi and welcome to the board.

    Do check back often. You ahve already been given some good advice, ie read the Explosive Child, do up a profile. The questions we throw at you (has the child been tested, etc) are not to put you on the defensive but to give us all a better idea of how to help you.

    You found a safe, gentle place to land. There are a lot of wise warrior moms, and quite a few who have not been here much longer than yourself. We all welcome you with a warm hug.
  8. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I have more questions than suggestions yet.

    How does he do academically?
    What is his behavior at school like?
    Does he have any friends? hobbies? interests?

    Is he constantly difficult or does it come in waves?

    Is his growth and development in the normal range(did he walk, talk etc when he was supposed to)?

    How is his general health?

    Does the family tree have members who had behavior issues, dropped out of school, substance abuse, diagnosed disorders, etc?

    Is there anyone he is cooperative with?

    What have you tried so far and how has it helped or not helped?

    Thanks for the info so we can understand your situation.
  9. prayerful

    prayerful New Member

    well iam sorry that you have to go through this but you are not alone this site has a great group of strong people that are going through the same things as you more or less.

    my son is 11 years old and he sounds jut like your son for a minute when i read your post i thought to myself how does she know my son (lol) . he has had thes promblems since he was 3 but, now that he is older it is more noticeable to me and others around him . It is a challenge to have a difficult child (gift from god) but it takes a speacial person to have one i really have no advice jut wanted to let you now you are not alone and that everyone her understands you will have good days and bad .

    Just take one day at a time . i will keep you in my prayers :angel:
  10. 2128

    2128 New Member

    academiclly, he is excellent. has very few problems in school.

    has never been diagnosed with anything. has developed just as normal as other children his age.

    has friends and i have been around when he is with his friends. at those moments, he is very well behaved, but i believe it to be an act.

    gets along with his teachers. again, i think that it is an act.

    i would say that his behavior is pretty on going. he might give me a one day break every now and then.

    his other parent (i'm divorced) is probably not the greatest influence. spends time with him when it's convinent.

    he's generally hateful to everyone that he doesn't have to put on a show for; me, his brother, my parnets, etc.

    tells me that i'm not fair. i shouldn't ground him for lying, i should buy him whatever he wants, i shouldn't take him places that he doesn't want to go, i should let him stay home alone, the list goes on and on. i'm sure you get the picture.

    i've tried a little of everything. take away tv, video games, computer, allowance, you name it. these things work for a while, but then they suddenly have no effect on him whatsoever.

    hope this gives some insight.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That sounds like my son. He is much better now. He is on Adderal for his ADHD, and we've been in counseling for a while. The therapist has lots of good ideas, how to think outside the box. I'm not very clever that way.
    One thing I'm still learning to do is detach, to not take things so personally when he berates me (and it can be very abusive) and I'll tell him he cannot talk to me like that. Then, when he wants something, which is about 10 sec. later, I can say, "I don't give treats to little boys who treat their mothers like that." And I walk away. He'll have a meltdown but he'll catch on.
    You have to be consistent.
    I notice that you said "These things work for a while, but then they suddenly have no effect."
    Is that because you return the items to him? Or that there's no specific time limit? For ex., if you take away the TV, if you say "I'm taking away the TV privileges for 1 wk.," then you have to give it back in 1 wk. Of course, you can take it away 10 min. after you've returned it, but you still have to make good on the promise. If you say you're going to take it away until he treats you nicely, he may as well say goodbye to it forever, LOL!
    IOW, have a beginning time and ending time, something he can understand.

    How do your parents handle it when he's mean?

    Have you ever sat down and talked to him about why he behaves at school and not with-you? If you get him to talk, it will be hard not to interrupt and say, "Then WHY do you do it with-me!?" but try to listen, even if his reply makes no sense. (And it probably won't.) Good luck.
  12. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member


    Have your tried any family therapy with your son?

    I find it interesting that he is able to do well with peers and with other authority figures.

    When my daughter was really struggling she was rude to all authorities. She had terrible peer relations. She hated herself as well as us.

    Perhaps there are some dynamics in the home that need exploration - and please understand that is in no way intended to be pointing fingers as you or your parenting. Maybe your son is angry about your divorce (through much therapy we figured out that my daughter had anger issues about my husbands depression). Families are very complex integrated units.

    Just a thought that may be worth exploring.
  13. 2128

    2128 New Member

    we did family therapy with my other son. of course that has been a long time ago. he behaved well at that point in time. i keep in mind though that he was younger.

    as i said before, i think that he does well with peers and authorites at school because he is putting on an act for them. i don't think that he is showing them the "real" person he is. i think that he believes if they found out how he really acts, everyone would turn their backs on him.

    i have asked why i don't get the behavior that he gives those at school. his response; "i don't know, i just don't".

    i keep telling myself that it is his age. but then i also think that if he acts like this at 10, what will he be like at 15?

    as far as lying, i feel that he thinks that he has gotten away with it with enough people, that he just keeps right on doing it. i can tell when he is lying, but i feel that maybe those in charge at school can't always see it.

    stealing--i must admit, he hasn't done it in a while. and the things that he has taken from stores, i have made him return along with explaining to the manager. he can't stand having to face the ones that he has stolen from. perhaps that's why he hasn't done it in a while.

    i feel that divorce may have something to do with it. his OP isn't always there for him. perhaps trying to express himself about that, but unsure how?

    i've been off the last few days and he has been here with me. other than some minor outbursts about some silly things, he's been pretty good. but that could change at a moments notice.
  14. coalminer1235

    coalminer1235 New Member

    What you describe is so familiar that it's spooky. I think the way I'd describe our difficult children behavior is that she believes she was put on this earth to prove to us that we are bad parents and that we hate her. If we won't cooperate by hating her, then she pushes harder and harder until somebody snaps and yells or says something mean that proves her point that we are bad parents who hate her.

    Recently my wife went upstairs to difficult children room where she was watching a movie. She asked difficult child if she could lay down next to her and watch the movie for a while. difficult child yelled at her "no, get out of my room" then slid over on the bed to make space. How can you possibly win this war? It's clear that she wants and craves attention but at the same time puts up a front so brutal that it makes you want to run away and hide.

    There can't be a winner in these situations. The only thing I believe you can do is to not lose the war. No matter what difficult child does to me I will be just as stubborn as her and try as hard as I can to make sure I am not hateful and I don't get angry and I don't snap back at her. The number one rule I try to adhere to is to *never* discuss decisions we make about her with her. If we say "no", it is non-negotiable and not open for discussion, period. Often this leads to my wife and I being followed around getting a full on, yelling, screaming rant directed at us where every sin we've ever committed or could have been imagined to have committed is regurgitated to us to prove how horrible we are. You have to learn to be a duck in the rain, and let it roll right on off like water because if we engage her in it for even a single sentence of reply then we have given her rant some shred of validity.

    On one web page I read about ODD, it suggested having a room in your house where you can lock yourself in so that a difficult child can't get to you. It's good advice. That such advice would be good advice is a clear indication of what we are all up against.

    Good luck!

  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Recently my wife went upstairs to difficult children room where she was watching a movie. She asked difficult child if she could lay down next to her and watch the movie for a while. difficult child yelled at her "no, get out of my room" then slid over on the bed to make space.

    That sounds really familiar! I have learned to say, "Oh, it's Opposite Day!" and go by what my difficult child does rather than says, because "NO" is so automatic I don't think he's even aware of it.
    Did you wife watch the movie with-her?
  16. Debdeb1031

    Debdeb1031 New Member

    Wow...your son sounds like my chris....all i can say is hang in there...the good days are wonderful and the bad days are ...well i like to forget the bad days....i take my son to a nuerodevelopmental(sp?) shrink and she prescribes what medications she thinks could help my son...also...for myself..i find that humor helps me...i'll put on a funny movie or watch some clips on you tube, but when i have had a bad day, it helps me to go to bed with a chuckle
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Your situation sounds a little familiar!! I would definitely start with a therapist who does child, adolescent, and family therapy and you could go alone first to explain things, before the therapist meets with both of you. Another thing I would recommend, start making a list of EVERYTHING that seems odd or uncharacteristic. I say this because I started off just reporting the illegal or defiant or dangerous stuff, because it seemed more critical, but now I see that the other things that I put on the back burner at the time could have helped diagnose my child more accurately, had everyone taken everything into consideration. Docs have told me that sometimes problems don't surface until age 10 or so, when adolescent hormones start kicking. Also, things like divorce, death in family, learning something tramatic, etc., can trigger issues- like depression, attachment issues, etc. If your difficult child behaved much better when you'd been home a few days with him, complains that you "don't do, give, have, enough otherwise, and you recently went through a divorce, it sounds to me like difficult child could be feeling more insecure than it appears on the surface. For some reason, some kids apparently start stealing when this happens.

    Don't get me wrong- I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST, so these are just my opinions and suggestions. There could be other causes, I'm sure. But, you've done a great thing by seeing the red flags and looking for a place to start.

    Good luck and keep posting! Others have more experienced advice than me!
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My advice is to have him evaluated. I'm sure something is going on for him to behave that way. Many disorders (not saying he has them) including early onset bipolar, sometimes Aspergers allow the children to hold it together when not at home, but it all comes out on the person they know loves them the most. This can and usually does change, and the kids may eventually be unable to hold it in ANYWHERE, but he's in the early stages of whatever is wrong and this is the time to catch it and intervene, before it rages with more violence. I would take him either to a neuropsychologist or to a Psychiatrist (with the MD) or an assessment. You'll get a longer, more intensive set of testing with a neuropsychologist. Any psychiatric disorders, neurological issues, or substance abuse on either side of the family tree? IF so, these are red flags for certain disorders that definitely require medical treatment and/or interventions. I believe that he doesn't know why he behaves like he does. An evaluation by a neuropsychologist would sort things out for you. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
  19. coalminer1235

    coalminer1235 New Member

    Yes, against the verbal assault she watched the movie. Life could so easily be good, if difficult child would just allow it. That, I think is often the most frustrating aspect.

  20. 2128

    2128 New Member

    for the most part, he was pretty good all this past holiday weekend. i think that other than some minor outbursts over silly things, he may have had one day that he was just unruly. he wasn't being definant, rather he was just aggervating his sib.

    he's staying with his OP tonight, God only knows how he'll be tomorrow.