Help needed please!!!

[gwenny]

Hi my name is Donna and I have a 15 year old stepson who just recently moved in with us (4 months). My stepson was living with his mother and brother in another state and was totally out of control. Refused to go to school, cursing out teachers, principles, bus drivers and so on. Very poor grooming and horrible socialization skills. There is so much to say as he has been a difficult kid. Upon his arrival to our home he cursed me out and was right up in my face trying to intimidate me and on the second day assaulted his own father. He threatened to kill my son who is 14 years old. He has a long history of hurting animals as well. He is now being home schooled as he only gets involved with drama, fighting and trying to manipulate people. We decided to home school him after he threatened to send another student out of school in a body bag.

We had him comitted to a pych hospital for teens and they did absoultly nothing for us. They diagnosed him with adhd, mood disorder and ODD. We than took him to a Psch Dr who also added conduct disorder to the list.

He is constantly lyeing about everything. Just the other day it was his birthday and he pretended to fall on the floor to pretend he fainted to get out of doing school work. Well when my husband got home we decided to take him to the hospital to be checked (just to make sure nothing was wrong) When we got to the hospital he still held up the lye and told the dr and nurses that this has been happening since december and only happens MONDAY throug Friday and never on the weekends. Needless to say we spent 6 hours in the E.R for nothing.

My husband and I are always fighting and argueing over what to do. How do you deal with the lyeing, fighting stealing and screaming.

He had also ran away from home after meeting a neighborhood girl and thought in his mind that they were friends forever. Needless to say the cops showed up at the girls house and he told them my husband beat him. Then when he came home he told us the girls mother had hit him on the arm with a wooden spoon to make brusises so my husband would go to jail. He has confessed days later that it was all a lye.

Also we have had Child protective services at our house do to his lyes. They closed the case, but how can we protect ourselves and the other child who lives here as well. He just consumes every minute of every day.

I am just so tired of not being able to have some down time.

He is always stealing. When he came to live with us he had 3 different credit card numbers with the experation, and 3 digit code. He also had a couple of Social security numbers.

He also feels that he is a girl as well. He is very femine and loves to dress and act like a girl.

The part that really concerns me is there is no emotion, no tears ever. Never feels he has done anything wrong that its everyone else never him. He never apologizes for anything.

Please any advise would be greatfully appreciated. I just don't know how much more I can hold on. My husband and I hardly ever agree on how to handle him.

Donna

 

[Stella]

Hi Gwenny. I am a fellow newbie to the site but just wanted to say hello and welcome! I am nowhere near as knowledgable as the others on here but I have read up quite a bit on ODD and Conduct Disorder and know you must be going through hell. When your stepson was admitted to the Pysch hospital for teens how long did he stay in there? and is he on any medications?

 

[BusynMember]

I would get a fresh opinion on his diagnosis. Usually when all the diagnosis. plus the kitchen sink are throw in it means "I don't know" on the part of the doctor. Also quite a few of us, plus many professionals feel that ODD is sort of a throwaway diagnosis that doesn't explain anything or help much. Same with CD. Are there any mood disorders or substance abuse on either side of his family tree? Was his early development atypical (he could have Aspergers too). Has he ever had a complete NeuroPsycsh evaluation? It also sounds like he has Gender Identity Disorder, which may be the crux of his behavior. If he thinks he is a girl born in a man's body, well, you are going to be very confused and unhappy. If he doesn't improve, he may need time in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Welcome to the board. Oldtimer who saw way too much here

 

[rejectedmom]

Are you in family therapy? If not I would advise getting in ASAP. Kids like this can tear a family apart in no time flat. You and your husband HAVE to get on the same page and form a united frount. Sadly you may have to get the authorities involved if he continues to do harm to you, your husband, your son or anyone for that matter. He is out of control and you will need an arsenal of support to get him in line and stable. Is it possible he is using drugs? My son started using at 15 and had experimented with huffing earlier than that. I think a complete Neuro-Psyce should be done if it hasn't already. -RM

 

[busywend]

Donna, welcome to the site.

You certainly have your hands full. For me personally, threatening someone's life is the final straw. You & husband have to be willing to do some non-traditional things to help your son.

It is not unheard of here on the site for parents to have 2 living quarters where one parent stays with the other child to keep the rest of the family out of harm's way. But, to me this child is one that needs 24x7 monitoring in a residential facility.

You will both have to start thinking of different ways to help your family. It might not be something you ever heard of before. But, that is OK if it is helpful.

 

[ML]

I just want to welcome you to the board. You have found a great place. You definitely have your hands full. I hope you can get into family therapy too because getting on the same page is essential for survival. Hugs, ML

 

[Star*]

Hi Donna,

Your step son sounds like he's really all over the place. Emotional wise and behavior wise. I think it's time for all the parents involved in this young mans life to come to terms with the reality that this child has problems and shipping him to a new place isn't going to solve anything.

At this stage of the game? I would say that he is a very confused young man with a lifetime of therapy ahead of him if he would choose to acknowledge that he even has any problems (which asking him now is a mute point). I think moreso - you and husband and his Mom are going to have to come to an agreement and place him in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), preferably a locked one. Or at first maybe a psychiatric hospital to get him properly observed, diagnosed and behaviorally stable with some medications.

I'm impressed that you are able to point out some of the red flags in his behavior. How does his dad feel about this? How about his Mom? I know a lot of times as a step-mom ANYTHING we say can come off as "Whine - this is too hard, your kid is ruining my life wha." and in essence we're just trying to make the bio-parents see that this kid is in DIRE need of professional help.

So how do you get that help? First off - you and your hubby need to get on the same page about what is actually happening under your roof. Do you both agree he has problems? Do you both agree he needs SERIOUS help not just a move to a stern handed fathers home? Do you both agree that physical threats of death ever again will result in you or him calling 911 and having him removed from your home whether it's by you and husband putting him in a car and driving him to the ER and having Mental health come and evaluate and put him in a psychiatric. hospital - OR calling the police and having them put him in a squad car taking him to the ER and then to a
psychiatric hospital.

Keep in mind - the criteria for admission into a psychiatric hospital from an ER visit is DANGER TO SELF or OTHERS.....this would include - him threatening your other son's life. And you don't just pick up the phone the next time and call - you need to explain this to your 15 year old - WHAT WILL HAPPEN and then DO IT.

If you threaten and don't follow through or chicken out with what you have said? YOU are asking for it in spades and he will OWN you. I don't care how much he beggs, how much he cries, how much he sobs - if he threatens physical violence again? Call 911 - and have him removed from your home.

You have to make the ER people believe that he really is a threat to himself or others and from what you've written - NOT going to be hard. I know this sounds cruel and like you are just tossing him out - but you have a few other things to consider in doing this - MAINLY your safety and your other child's safety - AND the fact that someone could seriously be injured or killed at this childs hands. TELL THEM YOU DO NOT WANT HIM BACK IN YOUR HOME.....and document, document, document!
Keep a daily diary of his behaviors......if you can? Go back to the day he came to live with you and write out the things that he's done -and give that to the psychiatrist in the hospital.

As far as the fainting spells? Write that down too. He has a bunch of attention seeking behaviors that are not healthy. Acting feminine and wearing girls clothes? Not necessarily an attention seeking behavior - but something is a miss with him. If he is a girl trapped in a boys body - what hell that would be. Then again - if he's done it at his Mother's house and got () much attention and it REALLY struck a nerve? Gosh - why not try it at your Dads? Where is he getting these clothes? If he's touching your things? PUT LOCKS ON ALL THE DOORS NOW....and put all the knives and sharp scissors and the like away locked up.

I have locks on EVERY door in my house. My son no longer lives with me, and he's 18 - and a lot better behaved but it's been a long road....and he's still only about 60% on the good side. So? When he visits? I lock my doors. I get peace of mind - and he gets the satisfaction of knowing that even now? I still don't trust him and he's going to have to earn it. Plus if I do missplace something? I can't blame him. (that happened a bit) ahem.

As far as home schooling? I'm in a boat of my own thinking - I would stop it. I would send him back to public school and when he became a threat there? I would have witnesses to document his behaviors that are professional people who could attest to his unbalanced behaviors.

Threatening to send someone "out" in a body bag should have sent the principal of that school SCREAMING to the resource officer and the on site counselor for help.

As far as the credit cards and numbers? - You live in OUR home? Those are illegal and YOU as an adult COULD go to jail for them - they would come up missing.
As far as beating himself with a spoon and CPS being at my home? Again - document - document. I would have asked the parent of the little girl to vouch for you in stating that he had those marks on his arm when he LEFT that little girls house.
If your son and the 15 year old are rooming together? I'd get the younger one his own room - with a door lock and a key.

I'd also keep a video camera handy - charged and ready to roll......

He's really quite a clever young man isn't he? He felt he wasn't getting any attention maybe at his Moms - and now? He's getting it in spades at your home - NO public school - ALL YOUR ATTENTION. He faints and instead of stepping over him in the kitchen and just leaving him alone you rush him to the ER? (ALL YOUR ATTENTION) somewhere in all of this you and husband are going to have to go to therapy to learn how to level the playing field.

Currently I see it as child 3 parents 0. (not an unusual score either)

Once you start therapy with a good psychologist (the one that cant' give drugs) you'll feel more empowered to take back your home. Currently whether you realize it or not? HE is running your home.

Glad you came here - look forward to talking again.....
and it's a cool place too - I mean where else could you go with this type of info and get ideas, suggestions & not judgements? lol

Hugs
Star

 

[C.J.]

Star - you simply amaze me. Great advice!

Gwenny - first, welcome - you'll get some great advice and shared wisdom here. Next, get to the library or bookstore today. Get "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Both you and husband need to read it. It will answer many questions, and get you started in the right direction.

Violence toward self and others - automatic police involvement in my home. There is a line you must draw and stick to it.

I'll include your family in my prayers.

 

[TerryJ2]

GwennyDonna, welcome.

Wow, he's quite a handful. He needs serious therapy.

I agree with-Star, he is getting major league attention and getting his way now that he's living with-you.

The first thing I would do is sit down with-your husband and come up with-a plan so that you two are in agreement. You cannot let this child destroy your marriage. Don't forget, you've got another little one you are responsible for.
Also, you need to agree with-your husband that your stepson has issues that are beyond your expertise. IOW, just disciplining him is not going to work. Things that work for regular kids are not going to work for him.

One thing I would suggest is that if there is a holiday, like his birthday, and you know he's going to feel entitled to the day off from homework, you can either negotiate that after he does his homework, he gets his presents, or, maybe he gets a day off from homework anyway. IOW, try to anticipate that he's going to pull a stunt and nip it in the bud. It will save you 6 hrs in the ER!

Another of Star's points--locks. Very good idea.

One of the hardest things to do is not to engage with-your stepson. If he yells, don't yell back. If he pretends to pass out, walk away. (If you leave the house, be aware that he may trash it in anger, because he was ignored.)

Overall, it does not sound like he is suited to live with-you or anyone right now who is not a professional.

I agree with-others here, that you have to talk to his mom and step dad and make sure they understand he is not just a bad kid, he is mentally ill and possibly exhibiting signs of Asperger's (the lack of hygiene caught my attention, as did the running away because he met a girl for the first time and thought they were friends forever) and they need to help out with-mental health care, therapy and training. You have all got to understand that he has major, major issues. Regular parenting isn't going to work.

 

[Marguerite]

Welcome. Sorry you need us but help is here.

You and your husband MUST get on the same page. Urgently. This kid sounds expert at divide and conquer techniques. That said - he sounds like a very unhappy, very confused kid. Don't be too down on him, although I do understand you need to be consistent with him.

"Explosive Child" is a great book and it can help you both A LOT.

Also a strong recommendation - get your husband to lurk here and/or post here. MY husband & I have always prided ourselves on being on the same page - but since he started lurking and reading my posts, we talk even more, communicate even better and it's made it much easier for us to make good progress. He's now a member here in his own name ("Marg's Man").

A few things about your stepson - he sounds very confused. I'd go along with the Gender Identity confusion at the moment, but take it with a grain of salt. However, it might be not quite Gender Identity Dysmorphia, he could simply be trying to work out what his sexual orientation is, or maybe some other aspect of his sexuality is causing him difficulty. Researchers have found that a lot of this can actually be tracked to hormonal differences in how the brain functions, so it's not something he's necessarily chosen to explore.

Whether the main underlying problem is Gender Identity or whether it's just another indication of his level of confusion, I can't say. I would get him evaluated by a GOOD psychiatrist, preferably one who is experienced with gender issues as well as possibly bipolar issues or other psychiatric disorders. There may be nothing wrong with him other than being a very angry, confused young man still trying to work himself out. Or he may have a serious psychiatric condition in desperate need of treatment.

There are some good treatments around, including some good non-medication options. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help even without a diagnosis, because the psychologist works on the person's conscious thoughts and tried to teach them better control.

Something that has worked for us with a kid desperately trying to duck out of school - we brought in a strict rule, "school work during school hours". That meant thta even if the kid was in bed with a high fever, he was expected to do SOMETHING along schoolwork lines. The only way out was to sleep. If he was awake, he had to read a schoolbook. If he was well enough to sit up in bed, he had a lap desk and a maths book, and a pen. If he was well enough to sit in front of the TV, he got to watch documentaties. If he worked well, I ran out of work for him and he was well enough to sit at the computer - he played educational software.
What I found happened - he spent a lot of time at home and actually made wonderful progress in his schoolwork, catching up on a lot of stuff he'd missed out on.

I got my hands on schoolwork by asking the school for work sheets, by buying exercise books and cheap educational software and finding out about other educational stuff we could subscribe to (such as Mathletics).

You'll get some good advice from others here who have a better understanding of exactly these issues.

Marg

 

[gwenny]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my plea for help!! I have to say I feel so overwhelmed. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy myself and wonder if its not me.. Well there is no mental illness on either side, (although I feel his bio-mom really contributes to his problems) she just sent him some magazines Cosmo, More (these were about women problems, sex and so on. This is not helping him as I wouldnt let my 15 year old daughter read that smut. My husband and I are sometimes on the same page and other times were football fields away from being untied. He is having a hard time with excepting his son is mentally ill.

I just don't think I can hold on to my marriage for much longer. I feel that when he does something to me my husband grounds him and than later lets him off. But if it affects my husband he will follow through. My husband has threatened a million times to have him locked up and never does. When we had him comitted the last time it took me packing my bags and my sons bag and the mention of divorce for him to take action. He was comitted for 7 days where he "moonlighted" the term the dr used. He said he just didnt want to be put into the restraint room.

I had him in school and went to the principle and vice principle to explain his conditions and told them that we need to know everthing he does as this needs to be relayed to his therapist. That never happened because he told them that we were abusive parents and enjoyed punishing him. So the last straw was when he threatened to send a girl home in a body bag, and not doing any school work and disrespectful to teachers. We have lots of documentation from his schools when he lived with his mom. He was facing expulsion there for cursing out the principle and given his past history they could and wanted to.

I just want my life back. we cant go out without taking him with us, cant hire a babysitter(to affraid of what he could do). I'm just really fustrated, sad, and concerned.

I also am disabled to to severe arthritis and in constant pain and have this to deal with on top of it.

When my husband gets home from working a 14 hour day, and I have to complain about what he does, he's famous for saying "I just don't want to come home". I know its just fustration but I have been with him all day. My husband only has to deal with him for 2 hours a day.

My stepson is on risperdone. He takes 1 1/2 at night and 1/2 in the morning. The psychiatric wants to see if this helps but it's not so we cant even touch any of the other issues. We are seeing a new therapist on Wed. I was also told that he is basically a sociopath but cant be labeled that until 18 years of age. Is this true?

Also another huge concern is that he does not cry, not 1 tear. he's making sounds like hes crying but no tears!!whats that.

Thank you all so much for such a warm welcome

Donna

Urr. sorry so much to say!! How can you disipline him?

 

[Marguerite]

Read "Explosive Child". Irrespective of diagnosis, this book can help.

While I understand the need for you to share information about difficult child's behaviour, I can also see why husband has such a reaction to this. You do needs to communicate this information, but it will seem to husband (as it often does to the working parent on return home) that you're saving up all the day's problems to dump on him when he walks in the door, with the apparent expectation that he will fix it. A sort of "wait until your father gets home" scenario. You probably aren't meaning it to seem like this - after all, he IS his father, he DOES need to know. You may nnot be doing anything inappropriate, but for whatever reason, things aren't working for you and this needs to be addressed. Maybe for the sake of your marriage, could you find (working with husband) a better way? Ask husband what he wants from you - he does need to know, but he also needs to ease into life at home and not feel like he's being assaulted with it. on the other hand, your husband needs to understand how desperate you are for some help, support and answers.

It's a problem a lot of us have - the parent at home (or the one dealing with the problems of the day) gets a different picture, often at the coal-face. We need support, we need help, but we also need to not just dump it on the other partner or it will have the opposite effect to what we want.

I do think family therapy could help you iron out some good management strategies in terms of you and husband communicating more effectively. Perhaps that is the best starting point, because this kid has learnt to divide and conquer, currently that is working far too well. If family counselling can overcome problems current between you and husband, then that would provide a united front as a starting point.

Changing the subject - his mother sent some adult women's magazines? Maybe it was her way of trying to provide sex education (in a very ham-fisted way). Are you sure they came from his mother? It sounds to me like the sort of stuff teenage boys trade with each other at school (behind the sheds). And then lie about it. difficult child 1 used to get this sort of stuff from 'mates'. Several generations ago it was National Geographic magazines, with images of tribal people dancing around topless, covered in ochre.

Whatever you're dealing with in this boy, you need more help than you have at the moment. When you see this new therapist, ask about services for you two as well; see if the therapist can recommend any supports or respite for you. It is in everybody's interest to keep your marriage together if at all possible - the boy will do better, you and your husband will do better. If you give it a really good try, it has the best chance of working. And if you give it all a really good try and your marriage still fails - then you will know that you did your best and it will be easier to walk away with a clearer conscience.

Hang in there. You're doing better than you think - hey, you found us, didn't you?

Marg

 

[lillians]

hi, what role if any does the mum play in this ,, has the issue oif wanting to be a girl been calmly addressed could it play a major role in his volitile behaviours,,mum needs to get on board,,, with dad,,, and you,, all on the same page,,and i dont know who else stepping back a bit is hard to do when someone is all over the map,, i am sorry for all your pain

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi, Marg beat me to it.
I was going to say, just give it 5 min. when your husband comes home to force a smile, say hello, and ask him about his day.
Maybe you two could eat alone, and you could feed your stepson first.
Set aside a certain time to talk about your stepson. My husband and I talk about our difficult child briefly ea day but almost always on Tues, our days to discuss finances and family issues. It really helps to compartmentalize it light that.
See if you can get your husband to stay home for a while one Sat. so you can get a massage. There are experts out there who deal with-diff types of arthritis.

I also agree with-Marg, that when you talk to the therapist, tell them you need in-home svcs, or even a place to take your difficult child for an hr ea day. This is very important.

I don't know what to say about your son not crying real tears. Is it a tear duct issue or is he faking it? Does anyone sit and put their arm around him when he's very upset? It seems like with-all the negativity, he is just a battering ram and he is acting out for all attention, even negative. Someone has got to be his advocate. Who is he closest to?

Can't help you with-the risperone, but others here have experience.

 

[Stella]

The 'not crying tears" is something that also really gets to me about my difficult child too. It's the lack of empathy and remorse which is so disturbing but is apparently a real sign of ODD/Conduct Disorder. I have heard Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is good for trying to get your difficult child to change his way of thinking and to learn how to show empathy towards other people and animals but how do we get them to start really feeling and expressing emotion again? emotion other than anger that is!! They must feel so detached from the world. Has anyone's difficult child tried CBT with a successfull outcome?

 

[Marguerite]

We've been trying CBT for difficult child 3, but only to help deal with his anger issues and anxiety. It had some success. They usually require the child to be old enough to be able to reason, CBT deals with your conscious thoughts and how to manage them.

CBT certainly would be worth a try.

Marg

 

[smallworld]

Welcome! I'm glad you found us.

I think you should take a close look at transgender identity issues. My understanding is that transgender identification can be associated with anxiety, depression and mood disorders like bipolar disorder. Locating a doctor who specializes in transgender identification may help guide you in the treatment of the whole child. Here's a link to a website with lots of resources on this issue:

www.imatyfa.org

In the meantime, you need to keep everyone safe. If that means transport to a psychiatric hospital or placement in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), you need to follow through so no one gets hurt.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

 

[susiestar]

Just popped in wondering how you are all doing? I hope you and your husband have been able to really talk about the difficult child.

I didn't address the not crying issue. Or, really, the no tears issue. If there is no problem with the tear ducts then he is simply not really crying. Or so I have been told. It is a ploy for attention or to get out of trouble. My difficult child did this for a number of years. It was really hard because the ONLY time we saw tears was when he was upset because we were being "unfair" to him by not letting him do things that hurt other people but that he though were fun.

I really hope and pray you can get him into a psychiatric hospital and also a doctor who specialized in gender identity issues. I agree that might be a big part of the puzzle.

I do have to say that you either need to take strong measures to ensure YOUR child's safety or get out of the situation until the stepgfg is stable. It is dangerous to your son physically to be near this boy AND it is dangerous to his psyche in many ways. He will act out because he is hurt and because he thinks you are doing nothing to stop the other boy so why should he behave. That could endanger his future by getting him in trouble with the law.

It also hurts his psyche because he thinks you have chosen the new husband and stepchild over him because you are not keeping him safe. I am NOT saying you are choosing the new hubby and stepgfg, but that you son perceives that you are doing that. Your son also perceived you as not being worth valuing because your husband is letting his child abuse you, and because you are not forcing the husband and his child to take appropriate care of you, esp with your disability and weakened state because it. It just seems like a really physically and emotionally risky situation for you and your child to be in.

I am sorry.

 

[gwenny]

Ok, so I have to ask a really dumb question? What is difficult child an abbreviation for? I'm not hip to all the abbreviations.lol.

Again I just have to say I really felt alone until now. Well today we went to the psychiatric dr and she upped the Risperidone to 2 pills at night and 1 in the morning and added straterra for the adhd. She did say that she really feels that he has Conduct disorder more than ODD. She just never really says anything on how to handle anything. Just keeps telling us to get him into long term care facility.

We had to apply for state insurance as our insurance with copays are killing us. Plus insurance does not cover more than 7 days in patient care. We are going to a therapist tomorrow morning and I am hopeing she can guide us on what to do.

As for his mother I don't think very much of her!! (not because she's my husbands ex) She is very manipulative with the kids, wants to know all of our business, and provokes my stepson into reallys stupid conversations. for example: she wants him to tell her how much cuter her dog is than mine.. She allows him to curse on the phone, alows him to bad mouth people and she laughs with him. As for the magazines she did send them because I open all the mail prior to giving him anything.(as per my husbands request.) Also she wants to send him a cell phone so they can talk privatly because I listen to the conversations between him and her.

As for my son he is just a true gift. He gets moody and acts up but I allow him to express his feelings and vent because I have a pretty great support team to vent too!! He does get to spend nights at his friends house just to get away.

As for my husband, I love him dearly. But he knew that this was going to be hard and we spoke about his son living with us for months. My husband was totally up for the challange. Now he is worn out emotionally. I feel that I could probably deliver my days fustration alot better, but sometimes I can't take it and when he walks inn I just start talking.

We have now started putting my stepson to bed at 8pm because he told the dr's at the hospital he was probably passing out because he is tired...haha so now you go to bed 1 hour earlier and we can spend from 8-9 with my son on how his days are going. So peaceful this way.

As for the argueing with my stepson what I have read during my sleepless nights is that arguing with him is no good as he loves to argue. So now I end any arguements with this is how its going to be end of conversation. (This works about 30 percent of the time) better than nothing.

He has a very long track record of threatning people with physical harm or even death.He even went after his older brother with an ax and his brother was able to hide in his room until police arrived. (the police never do anything to him because he can charm you to death.) The mother even said that the cops said to her he seems like such a nice boy. urr they need more training with mental health issues. When I asked him if he was planning to kill his brother his response was and I quote" I didnt want to kill him I just wanted to hurt him bad enough so he would go to the hospital)end quote.

I'm going to lay down for an hour or so, its been such a long day and I have another long day tomorrow..

Thank you everyone for your support. I am so glad I have somewhere to go and people actually understand what I'm going through.

Donna

 

[gcvmom]

Hi Donna,

Go here for a list of common abbreviations used on this board:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8

You've got a lot on your plate -- just wanted to welcome you and offer my support!