Help - TOO detached? - Do I really continue to do nothing?

[Suz]

Rhonda, Rob had a Probation Officer who was instrumental in assisting us to get Rob help, but he was 16 at the time, a minor. From the stories I've read here, it's obvious that his PO was the exception, not the rule.

From what I can glean from others who post with jailbound adult kids, the police are interested in incarceration, not psychiatric help. An attorney might help you arrange for a program instead of jail time but you need to remember what you already know..."help" will be useless if she doesn't want to work the program.

It is terrible to watch our kids self-destruct, especially when hard drugs and prison are possible realities. I'm so sorry.

What else is in your life? Job? Boyfriend? Volunteer work? Hobbies? Do you have anything that brings you joy to offset this stress and sadness?

Suz

 

[rejectedmom]

Rohnda, My son lived on the streets for a while. There were times I didn't know where he was or if he was hungry or sick etc. It was so very hard. I do understand. I got little support from my family it was more than they could get their head around. They buried their heads inthe ground so I didn't have anyone close by to bounce ideas off of or to just hold me. My husband lives away from home most of the week and my other son who lives with me is an asppie so no emotional help there. My daughters were either so sad or so angry that they refused to even remember they had a little brother and forbade me to speak of him because it was "too stressful". So although I was not physically alone I felt alone. It is a scary way to feel. Panic and extreme paralysing fear would often over take me. I had a therapist on board but she was not always available when I would go into a frantic state and I had no insurance coverage and huge bills from difficult child which I am still paying off. This board saved me. Suz can attest that I was pretty lost sometimes. She threw me a lifeline via a telephone call at one particularly difficult time that I will never stop appreciating. I truly understand the fear that you child might die and there is nothing you can do about it. There are several of us who have lived through horrid nightmares that were not dreams. We learned that in order to survive we must get off the runaway train of our difficult child's chosen existence. It isn't an easy lesson to learn but the stress that our difficult child's cause us is taxing and will kill us if we let it. After you have been here a while you will notice how many of us have chronic conditions, how many of us have weakend immune systems, how many of us suffer from PTSD. Stress over long periods of time does that to you. Detachment is what we must do in order to survive. At first guilt keeps creeping into our psyche but eventually we learn how to quiet that also and then we can be more peaceful in spite of our child's poor choices.

You will never stop loving or caring about your daughter. I keep my son's baby picture up not his adult picture. I do this because I love remembering my fair haired boy. I love remembering when his future appeared bright and when I do something happens to me and I realize that it still might be. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. I could be something wonderful just as easily as it could be something dreadful. That is why we need to be open to the beautiful and fullfilling things in the present. Those are the things that renew us and give us the strength to live through the bad stuff. -RM

 

[Rhonda]

RM - I already do the picture thing.. but i have them all out through her last soccer picture's, the ones where she was still going to go to college. But the truth is they all make me sad. I have a therapist that I talk to on the phone occassionally, but like you, I don't have insurance that covers it. I think I am at a point where "I" need to completely back away or do something... Maybe I just need to do something to make myself feel better and when it doesn't work then I can back away from this. I mean really how much pain can one person bear, sure does seem like a lot, or all of us out here would be bed ridden or in hospitals.

Suz - Thanks for the information. I will look into what an attorney could do. Right now I don't have much in my life. I put my life on hold in fear that my difficult child would need me and I would actually have a life and could not help her. I have a SO but not sure how long that will last. I do not put him first, I get angry because he does not really understand my situation even though he knows everything. He does not have children. I have known him for 20 years and we have been together for the last year, so he knows everything. He wants to marry me and pushes me. I think that until I get a life, that marriage is the last thing I want. So along with my difficult child, I have that little stressor... I do play golf. Every Friday with a ladies group and usually Saturday with my SO and then again during the week. I actually want to get back to work but unfortunately I am not having success in that (maybe the economy...) but I need to.. so I will keep trying. If I were independently wealthy, I would do volunteer work. I am still considering flying to where my difficult child is and trying to talk to her..

 

[judi]

Rhonda - I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I know its hard.

My situation is similar: we have a 23 (almost 24 y/o) son who we haven't seen since June 08. We don't know where he lives, with whom or if he is on the streets. What has helped my husband and me:

1. Knowing with absolute certainty that we did what we could do at the time. We had gotten counselors, tried medications, hospitalized him, jailed him, sent him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) all to no avail.

2. The last words he spoke to me were "I love you" and I hadn't heard them from him in many, many years. That is what I cling to.

3. Our son gave us our first grandson and for that we are so very grateful. He is a joy and we are so fortunate to have him in our lives.

 

[Rhonda]

Thank you Judi. You are very kind. I am so sorry for your situation. I have come to realize very slowy but very definitely that having your child leave like ours has is like have both legs severed. I can only vaguely remember my fears of her going off to college. Ha,..!!

But the one thing I hold on to is that I know how I raised her, I know her true beliefs and she is not alone. She may be without me but she is not alone and neither am I. Oh and I am learning to walk on my knees..

Hugs..Rhonda