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[bobcat wilson]

Hi I am carli 29 mother of 2 boys a 7 year old and 2 year old. In the past year and a half my husband and i have found out our 7 yr old has brain damage (suspected from birth old injury), he has vision problems, mild cerebral palsy, speech problems, and recently been diagnosed with ODD and major depression disorder. We are not the type of parents who are open to letting him know anything is wrong and treat him like a normal child. The ODD has gotten worse we have tried to get the doctor to switch his medications but they keep upping the dose instead. The fits have went from one to 3 or more a week. We have tried grounding spanking taking privileges away and now we have to physically restrain him in fear that he will hurt himself or someone else. He does bite himself and others. He will find weapons (like a broom) if he can. We dont know what to do anymore. We are afraid our 2 year old will pick up his habits and we will have 2 out of control children. If anyone can give me some advice or help thank you so very much. I dont know what else to do.

 

[buddy]

Hi there ! BOY (except for having a husband and a sibling) can I relate!!! With your son's history I would suspect there is something going on other than just a choice to be oppositional and defiant. That I am SURE is what he is doing... but WHY he is doing it will make your intervention much clearer.

So, yeah, I totally get that those kinds of punishments just dont work, most of us here with kids who have organic problems, different brain wiring, would probably say the same thing. A couple of books that many of us like...

What your Explosive Child is trying to Tell You by Doug Riley and The Explosive Child by Ross Greene... both help to identify skills that our kids are lacking that lead to these kinds of behaviors.

Since your son is neurologically involved there could be some issues that you can't see as easily so one way to help sort that out (if you have not already) is to have a complete Occupational Therapy (Occupational Therapist (OT)) evaluation done to look at his motor skills AND his sensory integration abilities. Also, get a full Speech/Language Evaluation and as many of us find here... along with communication (speech/language/social communication) have them look at Auditory Processing...there are several types and they can really frustrate a child to the level that they seem out of control.

WHile you are getting that done (and by the way, I am talking about private evaluations if you can swing it...some insurance will pay, my son has MA and it is fully covered) make an appointment with a neuropsychologist to do a full (several hours long) evaluation to look at all areas of development, including academics, what you learn from the Occupational Therapist (OT) and Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) and they will look at the differential diagnosis... is it learning issues, is it mood disorder etc... they are much more broad in their view than a typical psychologist or psychiatrist etc. (some use a developmental pediatrician...some use a team clinic kind of evaluation...but make sure it is broad based). Neuropsychologists look at how the brain (and any known brain injury) is related to behavior. Really good recommendations often come from these kinds of evaluations.

It is exhausting to have a child who gets so violent and trust me.... restraining him may be necessarily in an emergency but he will eventually be too big to do that safely. Even when small it is dangerous. My son was just injured in a school restraint. Please get proper training if you go that route because you can be held liable if something happens. (Plus for some it escalates them)

Glad you found us, you are in good company... many many here with similar concerns. Hang tough....keep posting....

 

[Marguerite]

G'day and welcome.

What you're trying discipline-wise is fairly typical of parents of 'normal' kids, but it is punishment-based. We know a lot more about what works best with kids, and positive reinforcement works better by a mile. We tend as parents to begin to view this as a competition between us and the kids, and that is when our problems can really begin to ramp up.

I don't know your child, but I can hazard a guess; he struggles and needs certain strategies to help him manage. He will be developing his own strategies (which are not always as good as ones we could give them, but what our kids do for themselves sticks stronger) and he will be wanting to do things his own way.

For example - my boys use computer gaming to help them calm down. Having a lot of homework pushes anxiety up, so to calm down, the boys get onto the computer games (instead of doing the homework). This means that the stress level increases (teachers demanding homework get handed in) so it gets worse and worse going round and round. Sometimes the games are a genuine help, but within reason and in moderation. You can't always reason with a kid, you have to lead them and not push. You also need consistency.

A good way to begin - observe your child. Identify what triggers him, also what soothes him. Use this information. Ease off the stress for a while, call off the dogs (ie ask the school to can the homework for a while if you can, especially if it's a huge trigger). Teach your child that you are a support, not an obstacle. Engage the child and cut way back on what you're going to get upset about. Don't try to fix all the problems at once because it is just too overwhelming for a child to hear, "Sit up! Elbows off the table! Don't talk with your mouth full! Don't roll your eyes! Don't answer back! Speak up! Don't swear!" and so on, over and over. It just won't sink in.
Instead, catch him out doing something good and praise him for it. "I really like the way you helped your friend when he hurt himself. That was very kind of you to do that."

Read the books (Explosive Child etc). They do help a lot. Really. Get them out of your local library if you're wary of buying new books; by now, most of us have full shelves and want to read a book first to make sure it will help.

So don't take my word for it. Read it. And hopefully once you can begin to make some changes, you will find it makes your workload easier.

Marg

 

[keista]

Welcome!

Ditto what Buddy and Marg said. I'll add that you might want to look for a new dr. You are the parents. You're with this child 24/7. If the behavior is getting worse as the medications are being increased.......hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'd say the medications have a lot to do with the behavior. Some doctors just choose to believe this cannot be the case. I don't know why they do that, but they do. But seriously, don' go by what I say, I'm just a mom. You should go with what your own gut says. It's allowed to disagree with the professionals and if they can't prove or show or convince you that their way is better find another one who can or who will give credence to your input.

 

[buddy]

Read the books (Explosive Child etc). They do help a lot. Really. Get them out of your local library if you're wary of buying new books; by now, most of us have full shelves and want to read a book first to make sure it will help.

OH yeah, I had to replace my copy of the explosive child and I got one for under $2.50 used on Amazon.com in mint condition. Just sharing.... smile