Holding Pattern

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Mar 27, 2018.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    It is now quasi-official....YS has fully joined DS in contempt and hatred for my wife and me, and refuses to have any contact with us at all.

    Recently there has been a pattern of wife making plans with YS, YS consenting, and then YS texting to back out of the arrangement on the day of plans.

    The same pattern repeated the other day except, instead of texting, YS actually spoke to my wife, gave her a speech about how much he hates her and never wants to see her again, and hung up on her.

    Am I wrong for feeling just a bit relieved, alongside compassion and empathy for my wife?

    This was not unexpected but at the same time it is upsetting. My primary emotions are anger and disgust.

    After all we have been through....after all that HE put us through.....I am speechless on the one hand but on the other, as stated above, in many ways this is a very natural progression. He and his brother have both been raised to hate my wife. And to be honest wife has not helped the situation improve in many ways.

    I am thinking very dark thoughts that I will not verbalize here.

    I know I will hear from many of you saying - this isn't the end - and it may not be - but to be honest I think wife and I would be better off if this chapter of our lives did close on this note. Perhaps a window of opportunity will open again when the boys are grown men. Perhaps not. But it is clear that the battle for these children's souls has been won by the boys' father.

    I'll stick around to help others and offer whatever advice and support I can.
     
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    How is your wife holding up, after what her younger son said to her?

    This must be terribly difficult for both of you, even though you had predicted this would happen some time ago.

    There is nothing you can do right now, but maybe it is a respite for everyone. You may yet, as you said, hear from them again. The end is not yet written, and maybe it will be better than you could hope for.

    Will the school still contact your wife when they have problems or concerns?
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I don't know why the boys would even say that to their mother. You'd think they'd just distance themselves if anything but not come out and just SAY it that way...

    Looking for a reaction or something? Trying to inflict pain? Very strange.

    I know it must be difficult for her in any case. Maybe things will calm down a bit and someday they can reconnect - when they are grown as someone said.

    Not sure of the motive or why their father is doing this. I don't think it is right to turn a child against their parent. Period.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    B&B, you are a good hearted woman. And I am sure you and your wife don't need the boy's drama. They were and are both awfully hurtful!

    Having said that, even if all four of my kids were major bad drama, I would be heartbroken if none of them loved me or would talk to me. Devestated. That things turned out like this. That my own kid's rejected me.

    With your good heart perhaps you can comfort her with extra understanding and gentleness while she grieves. And she will grieve.

    I know you will be a tremendous help to her. No doubt about that.

    Love and light!
     
  5. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Member

    This must be so hard for your wife. I'm so sorry it has come to this. I understand what you're feeling now, but I don't think it will make anything easier.
    For her sake especially, I hope the boys come around, but maybe silence is needed for a while. Maybe then they will understand what they are losing. ((()))
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    BBU
    There is relief to an end of stesinxnad struggle weather the outcome is good or bad that relief can also bring about a whole bag of mixed emotions.
    I am glad your sticking around. I have been busily and not here a lot lately.

    Focus on healing yourself and your relationship. Hmm perhaps there should be an adult emeritus feed for how we cope as people and not parents.

    Much love and time for healing to you and your wife. Perhaps some day these boys will grow and mature. For now you know better than anyone that it is what it is.
     
  7. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks to all of you wonderful folks for your love, kindness, and support.

    This has been a roller coaster from Day One. As the boys grew older things got more complicated, more volatile, at times violent and dangerous as all of you know.

    The fact is, they never had a good relationship with my wife and as they became teens, they took the opportunity to jettison her from their lives, slowly at first and now with (seeming) finality.

    I was seen as a potential savior by YS especially, but when I refused to play that role then I was lumped in the same category as wife, and jettisoned as well. Which frankly, is fine by me. My life is better without them in it and as a stepparent, obviously, emotionally I have very little at stake, especially since wife and I have been married only a few years.

    As SOT stated, the harsh reality here is that despite their legitimate struggles with mental illness and dysfunctional raising, neither of these boys has good character. I can be very plain spoken and to a point harsh with these types of things. Their treatment of my wife and me is not the only reason I say this, there is other evidence as well in their treatment of others.

    I teach students with far worse struggles than these two. None of these students would even speak to ME in such a cruel and heartless manner, let alone their own parents. Even those students whose parents have brutally abused and abandoned them, do not speak of them so harshly. They say: "I don't want (parent) in my life but they GAVE me my life so I owe them props for that." Now that's something you can't argue with. Painful (potentially) for the parent but clearly a decision made by the child in their own best interest. YS and DS want to inflict as much pain as possible on my wife - in my humble opinion, to avenge their wounded father who refuses to move on after his divorce (over a decade ago) from their mother.

    Thanks again to all, I will still be here!