How can a difficult child change his behavior if all of it gets excused?!!

[tessaturtle]

Hi again, I haven't posted in quite a long time but I have read some posts here and there to try to stay involved~life got very busy!

Where to even begin!? In a nutshell, for almost a year and a half now (since he turned 13 or a little before) difficult child has had increasingly concerning behaviors. We even went so far as changing his therapist and the medication provider since we felt he had hit a wall treatment wise (he had been with them for 8 years). So he has been with his new providers for about a year now and does not seem to be getting better.

Bio-mom has never been the most consistent or stable person in his life (one of the reasons he lives with us full time), and he certainly has his issues around her (he has a TON of anger towards her; but yet she can do no wrong in his eyes). We have to keep her informed of things that happen, and sometimes its helpful when we can present a united front to schools and whatnot. BUT, she has always and more often lately excuses his behavior (in front of him) or allows him to control her. And she also almost always believes his side of things (even though it is pretty clear he cannot control his lying) UNLESS the act was done to her - that is the only time she comes down on him.

If he lashes out at someone physically, her response is always "he was just retaliating, they always catch the second person not the one who started it." This is her response throughout the years, despite the fact that numerous professional have witnessed and reported various acts of difficult child initiating conflict. Oh and she is a HUGE supporter of medications at any cost and feels that is the answer to everything (the magic pill).

This morning, I almost called the police on difficult child - he slapped his sister in the face and he whipped some deck chairs around. The only reason I did not call the police was because his summer school bus arrived - and without him being there, what could the police do? He hadn't damaged anything - my point to calling them would have been to get him to stop and for the officers to see him in full angry mode. WELL, biomom knows best and is blaming us for not calling the police AND claiming he is not like that with her!! Oh really?! This is the same woman who tells us that she can not "handle" him that's why he is with us; she had to call the police in Sept. when he hit his sister in the head; she told late last summer about him almost kicking the windows out in her car while she was driving because she would not take him to the pet store!

So there's a lot here but, really, how can we help him when his idol (biomom) excuses all of it!?

Sorry this was so long, I have so much more, but am very thankful if you have read this far!

 

[AnnieO]

Hey there!

This sounds oh, so familiar. In the past, if O did something at our house, biomom would tell us we must have done something, or we were doing something, or or or. O stole from me? Well, it was just stealing HER stuff back, since I stole from her. O attacked me? I must have attacked her. O stole husband's cell phone? He must have stolen hers. On and on, ad nauseum.

But - if O stole something from bio? We must have told her to take it, or it was because we did X, Y or Z.

O's in foster care now. Bio is gone - she passed away 2 weeks ago - but now there's all kinds of other stuff to deal with.

I don't have any real answers for you, though some of the situation is the same. I do, however, have a shoulder, ears and ...

 

[MuM_of_OCD_kiddo]

I think at this age you are looking at added hormones, puberty, increased sex drive/frustrations, in addition to his actual mental issues. Add that to the mix and you'll get a very potent cocktail. My sons Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) bloomed at 14 - prior to this it was what I looked at little irks and quirks, or being stubborn or "difficult" - I had no clue that he had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) for a while prior to this, and I am embarrassed to say, for a long time I thought it was just an attention getting ploy.

You are along ways ahead of me - you know he has ODD and/or ADHD, you already have a medical network to fall back on. I would have serious talks with all of his providers and filling them in, and insist on reevaluations of medications, treatment protocols, and so on. If all you get is a pat on the head, keep looking at alternative providers, and let them know that you will do so if they don't step up to the plate.

We made a lot of difference with daily vitamins [lots of research for that], avoiding fast food, junk food and convenience food out of the box. More cooking from scratch, less preprocessed food like cereal and "anything" mixes, more fruit and veggies, juices and lots of water, instead of sodas, sweet teas, and all of the artificial sweeteners.

I have no advice on the biomom situation, perhaps a councelor can help him with that subject. Face it - whatever you are going to say/do about her, will backfire at this point. He loves her this desperately because he knows she does not reciprocate the way you guys do. Wish I could help with more suggestions...

 

[mengmeng888168]

I have no advice on the biomom situation, perhaps a councelor can help him with that subject. Face it - whatever you are going to say/do about her, will backfire at this point. He loves her this desperately because he knows she does not reciprocate the way you guys do. Wish I could help with more suggestions... I SEE SEE

 

[mengmeng888168]

So there's a lot here but, really, how can we help him when his idol (biomom) excuses all of it! it look ok

 

[mengmeng888168]

Where to even begin!? In a nutshell, for almost a year and a half now (since he turned 13 or a little before) difficult child has had increasingly concerning behaviors. We even went so far as changing his therapist and the medication provider since we felt he had hit a wall treatment wise (he had been with them for 8 years). So he has been with his new providers for about a year now and does not seem to be getting better.

 

[Liahona]

I really wish I didn't have experience with this. My ex doesn't think anything is wrong with difficult child 1. He thinks all difficult child 1's problems come from my bad parenting. And he has told difficult child 1 this. It has taken me, therapists, school teachers, psychiatrists, other docs years of explaining social situations and natural consequences to difficult child 1 for him to accept that he has a problem. Me handing out punishments for difficult child 1's behavior wasn't going to convince him. I had to point out the natural consequences, things that I had no control over, of his actions. For example, last school year difficult child 1 hit a kid in the face with a ball on purpose. The teacher decided to not do anything and excused it. I did not hand out a punishment for behavior done at school. I did point out the natural consequences of what would happen. The other kids wouldn't want to play with you if you hit them. In time difficult child 1 saw that what I said was true and didn't hit a kid in the face with a ball again. This is a long hard road. Good luck

 

[tessaturtle]

THanks for the replies~ We already did clean up his diet considerably when we got him full time 5 years ago. We do a lot of organic food/cooking, vitamins, omega's etc. The problem we have always had is that he does not stick to it when he is at his mom's and he has not bought into it when left to his own devices. Now that he is a teen and is out and about riding his bike, he drinks soda's and eats candy at his friends or anywhere else he can find them. It did make a definite difference with his hyperactivity (decreased it a TON).