How did life go so wrong???

[timer lady]

I didn't wake up today until 6 pm. Exhaustion from ktbug's antics. Missed 2 doses of medications & forgot to pick up my cymbalta.

I miss husband. I know he had his issues; I lived with them for many years & yet I loved that man. He's gone. He had to be in pain for a long time; had to know he was sick yet did nothing absolutely nothing to save himself.

I'm a caretaker - I was raised to be a caretaker; a woman who did what needed to be done. I was husband's wife not his mother - I asked, begged that he go to the doctor last October. He just didn't look good. Wouldn't go.

Thru all of husband's issues he supported everything I chose to do; every decision I made (backed me up on many of them) & lifted me up when I felt I couldn't anymore. He was my life partner - good & bad.

How, in 5 years, did I go from a family of 4 to living in my home alone? Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is insisting that kt needs a year of treatment - who knows? That will result in the loss of the CADI waiver. I'm being charged for kt's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay this time ~ I'm not sure why & if I can afford it.

I cannot do a year alone - I fear I'm losing my mind. I've considered going back to work & will talk to my docs about it - don't think they will give me the go ahead. They are insisting I head back to Mayo Clinic.

Can you imagine me showing up for an interview with my walker & not being able to find the words I need to use.

I can't even get help to get my furniture moved to my garage in 2 weeks so the floors in my living/dining rooms can be refinished & the rooms painted. I'll end up hiring someone.

I used to be a confident, intelligent woman - I could make decisions. I struggle today. I ask my children's caretakers to make the decisions that I should be making.

I want husband back - healthy; the same with my children. I'm not ready to be an empty nester. I'm not ready to be a widow.

It all needs to go away.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Linda, I wish I could sit in a rocking chair with you on my lap, with a great old shawl wrapping both of us and just rock you 'til you fall asleep feeling safe and sound.

Life is not fair. This stinks. HUGE HUGS.

 

[susiestar]

Many gentle hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

Linda

I don't know what to say. You are my Hero. But even Hero's get weary, even Hero's aren't perfect, and Hero's are just as suseptable to physical illness as everyone else.

I'm so sorry. I've no words of wisdom. But know I care and you're always in my thoughts and prayers my friend.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[witzend]

I'm so sorry for your emptiness, Linda. I can't even imagine how lonely you must feel.

Remember to be a caretaker for yourself. Life does go on and it can get better if you give it time.

I hope I won't sound overly simplistic, but I wonder if you might consider getting a kitten or a puppy. Someone that needs you and loves you and will give you a purpose. You have a lot to offer, it shouldn't go to waste.

 

[KTMom91]

I wish I knew what to say to make things better.

Know that I love you and I keep you and the tweedles in my prayers. Many, many gentle hugs.

 

[mstang67chic]

I wish I knew what to say to make things better.

Ditto.

I also wish I lived closer so I could come help move your furniture or do the heavy gardening. Or even just stop by so we could sit on the porch and shoot the breeze.

Sending many hugs.

 

[everywoman]

Just a hug---

 

[Andy]

I am so sorry! The expression of "When it rains, it pours" came true for you. As others already stated, focus on being your own caretaker for awhile. You will need your strength back when KT does return home.

 

[Nomad]

I'm so sorry.
Would part time work be available and could you do it physically?
It might be a nice distraction and very rewarding as well.
It seems very normal to miss your husband, difficulties and all. There was a close bond, love and companionship.
Have you talked with your therapist about this? Is grief counseling available to you? What about some sort of group support?
I do think slowly, but surely getting out a little is a great idea.
Think of any good female friends you might have and call them. Just talk a little. If appropriate, invite them over for coffee (for example) one day. Try not to talk excessively about husband or your difficult children. Force yourself to limit those discussions, although don't eliminate them if you feel you would like to talk about them. However, take the other people into consideration...
Other people and discussions about a variety of things...can be very soothing.
Also...consider making a decision to "take back" some of the decision making in your life. Wonderful to have support...not wonderful if they are fulfilling roles that you should be doing. Learn to moderate. Your brain is telling you something. Good for you and your brain. It's not a problem.
So, accept graciously support when you don't feel well or when KT is over the top. Speak up and you take control when you feel better and/or when you feel this is well with-i your abilities.
If KT is out of the home now and a return date is on the horizon, make a plan to handle things differently...including caretakers who might be overstepping boundaries.
If you feel you should be working (pt??) put this in the back of your mind...mull it over. It is your right to do this....you have a good head on your shoulders, always have and always will.

by the way...Think about buying yourself a teddy bear!

(Hugs)

 

[lmf64]

Linda,
You have been through so much in so little time. It's perfectly understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and a bit down. I wish there was something anyone could say that would make you feel better, but please know that you are a valuable person.
Now, as to someone to help move furniture. I'm throwing my hand up to volunteer. I live just a couple hours south and it wouldn't be out of the question for me to run up there and give you a hand.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Linda, you have been through so much in such a short time, it's no wonder that you feel overwhelmed.

Just sending you a hug.

Love, Esther

 

[Fran]

You have been through a great deal of loss in the last 10 yrs with the tweedles and without them. husband, your mom, your health etc.
If you could regain your health then you could dig out of this never ending pit of loss that is all around you. Once you are healthier then you are able to do things that will reaffirm life especially your life.
You don't have to be an empty nester as a negative but a positive. You have varied interests which I have no idea how you manage considering your physical health but those can start to fill the void.
Another pet may be a good help as Witz suggested.
If you have to hire someone- so be it. I have to do it because I refuse to not get things done waiting for others. I'm not physically capable of getting heavy items up and down steps.
It's probably time to attend some grief groups or parents without partners or some group that deals with being a young widow.

 

[timer lady]

I spent the night working on a drawing; a way to let out some of the emotions that are so overwhelming right now.

I made out a list & plan on going to the nursery. I'll be planting 3 plants this afternoon right under my kitchen windows to attract birds & butterflies. I have a special wagon & kneeling planter thingie I use with my walker.

I've been seeing a grief therapist along with my own therapist weekly. My psychiatrist has a nurse practitioner checking in via phone 2x weekly.

Saying all that, seeking out a group may not be a bad idea. The last grief group I attended I missed the last 2 sessions because of kt.

I need to get stronger; I need to regain my health. If a trip to Mayo is needed that will be my next step. But I'm tired.

Thank you all ~ you who know me, know me to be a survivor. This time it's a great deal more difficult. My will isn't in it like it has been in the past.

I have errands to run this morning & a nap this afternoon. I want to stay awake all day so my sleep pattern returns to "normal".

 

[Lothlorien]

Linda, that Mayo trip sounds like a very good idea. If they could just get you better, things would be so much easier.

What happened to the neice that was supposed to move in with you? Did that fall through?

I agree with what Fran said about empty nester being a positive. You need to work on you and all the things you like to do. Paint your heart out. Having kt somewhere safe and not having to worry about her as much seems like a winning situation for you right now.

Sending you a big giant cyber hug.

 

[crazymama30]

Linda, I think you are beyond strong. Strong would have ended a long time ago. You are herulean. You have been through more than most people can even imagine. Hugs. I so hope something turns around for you.

 

[Abbey]

Irregular sleep can be a huge factor. I finally got mine back to somewhat normal and it has made a huge difference. I stayed awake for 4 days and ended up in the ER. I seriously lost my mind.

'Pretty things' also do the soul good. I'm glad you're planting and trying to attract birds. A nice warm kitty would give you great comfort. I'm sure the shelter has many that are house trained and need a loving home.

I could loan you my parrots for a LONG time. That will definetely give you something to do. I also have a spare H around from time to time. He's not a loaner, though. That would be for keeps.

You also need a good friend or two that will drag you out of the house when you least want to go. I've had that done to me many times in the past few months. I was angry...wanted to be left alone, but once I got out had a wonderful time. They simply would not take no for an answer. Heck...one even dragged me across the country! Now that was a diversion.

Read a good book. I can send you the book list that was compiled here awhile back if you want.

Watch good comedies. I just watched Grand Torino (not exactly a comedy) and it was one of the most touching movies I've ever seen. As I'm frantically cleaning, my friend pops in from a nearby city, makes me put my mop down and says, "Sit. You're going to watch this. Your floor will still be there in a few hours." So we sat and watched...very touching yet funny film. Gotta love Clint Eastwood and good friends.

My neighbor called me last night at 9:30. Come over...we're watching the best ventriloquist (sp?). No, I'm hunkered down for the night. All of a sudden she walks in my front door from the pouring rain. (Nobody knocks or rings around here.) She grabs my wrist...we're going. It was a great evening. Laughter is great medicine.

You know I'm always just a phone call away. I should be home most the day today. PM me if you've lost my number. Heck...maybe I'll make a road trip!

Abbey

 

[BusynMember]

This post brought tears to my eyes. I wish I lived close by to keep you company.
Have you considered a grief group? A lady in my therapy group just lost her beloved husband who she did everything with. It was sudden and she is only in her 50's and misses him a lot. One of he other ladies in our group, who just lost her father, suggested a grief group. She has gone and, although she obviously still misses her partner, is finding it helpful. It has forced her to leave her house, where she was sort of hiding out. She also suffers depression, which just compounds everything. (((Hugs)))

 

[Rabbit]

Sending Hugs and I will keep u and your family in my prayers. Rabbit

 

[Wiped Out]

(((hugs)))