How did life go so wrong???

[rejectedmom]

Linda, While I agree that you should try to get out of the house more, I wonder if a job (even a PT one) at this time would be just another burden. It could add more worry as to whether you will be able to keep up and how they will deal with your many health and family needs etc.

As an alternative why not volunteer one or two days a week? There are many places to do this. Schools, Red Cross, local museums and historical societies Lions club, church, etc. the list is enormous. Another thing you might consider is the ladies with the hats and purple clothes. They are just for fun and have all kinds of activities and yes they do take people under 50 years of age. Is there an artist league or guild in your area? You do not have to be a pro to join. I used to belong to one that was a wonderful mix of beginners through to the pros with years experience. We even hired models for all interested members to draw from life once a month.

May I also suggest that you leave talking about your worries for this board and your psychiatrists. That way when you do get out with your new group of friends and volunteers it is all about fun. I made the mistake of not doing that and found my friends pulling back from me because it was hard for them to have fun when I was obviously suffering.

I see you trying to rally over and over again in your posts and have much sympathy for the roller coaster you are on,
As many have said it is time to take care of you and try to build back your health. You can always take back responsibilities in the future when you are stronger and more at peace. -RM

 

[Abbey]

Volunteering is GREAT. What a good idea. Probably some of my fondest moments of late are from a shelter just down the road. Just when you think you have it bad, you see otherwise.

You like animals. Why not do the animal shelter? It could be as simple as being a cuddle person for the pets brought in.

Abbey

 

[busywend]

in my humble opinion, one thing at a time. I think you should focus on getting as healthy as you can. Even if it means another MAYO visit. There has to be more that can be done to help recovery.
Once you are healthier I think you will find ways to recover from your hurting heart. It takes time. It can not be done any sooner as much as you wish it to be so.

HUGS!

 

[DazedandConfused]

No advice to give, but sending a Grand Canyon full of support your way.

 

[1905]

Linda- Sending you a big hug! I know you like to draw, and paint. I do as well, all my worries melt away... I went to art school, maybe you can take art classes- or any kind of classes. If not, draw,or do the things you love. Do whatever makes you feel good! Linda, live your life. I know you're not well, the Mayo clinic has the best doctors. Go see them. Soak up every ounce of enjoyment you can. It may be a corny thing to tell someone, but I had cancer that's in remission, that's how I live my life. We do the best we can, don't beat yourself up. (((HUGS))))

 

[Suz]

No advice, just a warm, comfy hug. I'm sending good thoughts and lots of love.

Suz

 

[Marguerite]

Grief counselling is a great idea. So is volunteering.

My eldest sister did this - she ended up running a grief counselling grop through her church. She of course made sure she got whatever qualifications she needed first, so she wasn't simplt starting something she didn't have the capability for. But maybe after you have tended to your own needs in tis, you couldbegin by helping out an existing group at some level, and seeing what you could handle from there.

Then when you finally go for job interviews, you will be ablew to say, "I know I don't look like I could do much, but here is a list of all the things I have volunteered for recently."

Volunteer work done well can make an eployer really sit up and take notice.

I wish you all lived here, there is so much we could do for you. Only one major problem - I don't think we have much, if anything, in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) area. But we do have some really great community supports.

Marg

 

[GoingNorth]

Hugs...I can remember basically sitting by DHs bed in ICU and waiting for him to die. All I kept saying over and over again was: "It wasn't supposed to end this way!!"

I repeated it like some sort of mantra.

You have my deepest sympathies. Please, somehow, find the time to grieve properly.

 

[flutterby]

(((hugs)))

 

[timer lady]

Ladies, this really is the only other place I can share these feelings besides therapist's office. For that I'm truly appreciative.

The job/volunteer thing will have to wait until my health guarantees I can make it thru an entire day or that I am able to wake up from a sleepless night.

How much is stress, grief & the like making my disease worse isn't a known quantity however the doctor's are scrambling due to my blood work & such.

Thanks again.

 

[Star*]

Linda -

What medium do you like to work in?

Acrylics, colored pencils, oils? Need to know.

I paint for frustration too. What did you paint? Have you thought about taking a small wall in your house and doing a mural like Terry2 does? I did a dog for Dudes room when he was having nightmares. I did it when he was about 7 - it's still there. Oddest thing - it LOOKS a LOT like the dog I adopted years later. Was thinking maybe that would be something that you could just leave and work on as you felt able to.

I have some paints and stuff that are going to waste here, because I don't have time to use them. If they're what you use and you want them just say the word. Um....word would be - yes. Or send. Or Word.

Another thing I was thinking of was that you need a tween. Hear me out. Sometimes I really do have a good thought. Your family while helpful, stepping in to help to you may mean loosing your independence. Once you turn things over to them it's a step gone in your life. You're not ready to loose that step yet because it's so multi-dimensional. I think loosing that you said would mean loosing the children, the house and if you ask me - your memories. Right now to move? It would mean loosing the visuals you have of you and husband. It's not much, but it is what you have. You can stand in the kitchen and see you, him and the kids. Vividly. Eventually you could do that anywhere, but right now? You need that, there. Also the fact that you have waited so long to be able to have things done the way you have always wished they could be with husband there? Yeah that would be hard to walk away from too. So right this minute leaving is not a viable option. But on the other hand staying seems hard as well. You are grief stricken, and struggle daily with your health. We all have good days and bad. Just with your days things seem to be pointed out a lot more because you have special needs children. I would think that if anything - everyone would be bending over backwards to accomodate YOU - a special needs Mom who wants to stay in the lives of these children who have been so damaged. I'll never quite understand the system, it's really not for the BEST interest of the child is it? It's for the best interest of the wallet. Wallet doesn't have a heart, doesn't have a care in the world. Doesn't have a tear when a child cries or acts out. But Linda does. I don't know who they think they're kidding. Where is the person that stands up for Linda? What's the difference between three years ago and now? Are you MIRACUOUSLY better? Did lightning bolts fly out of your nose and cure you? Why are they charging YOU for KT's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay? This is ludicrous. You need a tween.

You need someone to come and move furniture from A to B. Big deal. Right? Well it is if you are disabled. If you call your family? It becomes a big deal. If you call the caseworker it could be perceived as more impairment - althought they may be cool about it. So again - I'm thinking tween. The tween is someone who would just be there to help - like a personal assistant. Times are so SO tough right now. Could you interview someone for three or two days a week to coordinate things for you like finding people through churches and ministriies or high schools or volunteers that could come and move furniture or even Craigslist that would make $10 to do 30 minutes of work? And how about grocery lists and undesirable errands? Like a helping hands kind of person? Someone that would just be there for YOU. A go be TWEEN.

Maybe I'm way off base, but someone who is knowledgeable about services and helpful, kind, honest? Someone who could help KT and would be a friend?

Just a thought - And hugs....I do not think you are anything less than extraordinary. Quite an amazing woman actually! I'm also ready for a new avatar tomato girl!

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[skeeter]

Linda - a suggestion....

Can you knit or crochet? Both my mom and I (I crochet, she knits) make "prayer shawls" for our local cancer center. The hospital furnishes the yarn, you just have to furnish the time and talent. It doesn't matter how long it takes you to make one, or what stitches you use. They just want something 24 inches wide by 5 feet long.

It's something you could do while watching TV, listening to music, or sitting out in your garden.

Mom also knits hats for the babies (especially the premies - this is a level 4 hospital), but I'm not good at "going around".

 

[DDD]

I hesitate to express my opinion as I fear it will be misinterpreted. My consistent (and truly caring) thought is that you are too dedicated to being as close to perfect as you can get. You have given and given and given. Of course your grief and sadness is real and justified but in my humble opinion you need to allow yourself to focus on Linda the person. You need to focus on Linda. Just Linda....for awhile. Travel or date or something just for you. You can not bring your husband back. You can not make William whole. You can not make KT like the other kids. But...you can let Linda become
a separate individual entity again and let her find something that makes her laugh and smile. I'm rooting for you. Honestly. I just don't think you can stay tethered to the huge complex issues and make progress toward happiness and health for yourself. DDD

 

[graceupongrace]

Hugs, Linda.

With all you've been through, it's no wonder you're exhausted.

I did hear a grief expert say that many people benefit from going through a grief group a second time. Seems that the loss is so overwhelming at first, you can't take it all in. By the second time you're more open to the healing process.

Whatever you decide, there are lots of people here cheering you on!

 

[timer lady]

DDD, you make a good ;point ~ I have lost myself amidst all this choas. I've become more a puppet. I hang on tightly to my artwork, my piano, working in my flower gardens. I'm not the mother; a family o 3 different addresses & I'm not running all the time. I didn't take this at all in a negative light. Thank you.

Star ~ I paint in water color; I have all the sketching drawing pencils a woman could want & sometime in early November husband took me out to update & refurbish all my art supplies. I've been thinking next year of taking up pastels then oil/acrylics. You are right about a tween/mediator for me., I need an advocate that isn't emotionally involved.

Grace, I both knit & crochet; I have an uncompleted prayer shawl that I was knitting for my mother but didn't finish it in time. Sadly, it sits in my knitting bag ~ now may be the time to see if I can knit.

I spent yesterday at doctor's offices & then I'm being shuffled off to the UM rheumatologist office because my sed rate is again heading sky high. I giggled then cried when I read the neuro doctor's update to GP; I look older & more frail than I have/should. I seem to have lost my sense of humor - only hit him with a couple of jokes.

GP & I are going golfing next Wednesday; she's willing to tee me up if I get her golfing or at least having fun on the course.

Here's the "cripple cart" I'll be escorting Dr. D about on the course that stores these carts (only 2 in town). Isn't it cool?

http://www.uprightgolf.com/product/136.html

Dr. D & I have decided golf, splitting a Mike's hard lemonade & dinner are in order. No talking about icky stuff on my part; no talking about icky medical stuff on her part. It sounds like fun.

I may need a 2nd grief group ~ I think it shouldn't be at the same hospital where husband died.

I have read this thread several times & each time I feel a bit of strength; a bit of courage, survival building. I'm not worrying about the house thing this week - off my worry list.

 

[Abbey]

You go, girl!!! Keep reading and rereading the thread. We're all here for you.

Abbey

 

[Star*]

Me and my bad eye......I thought it said.......

Star - HERE is my cripple ART......I click and there is a picture of a golf cart. I'm sitting here PRE clicking thinking to myself - WHAT an great idea - SHE COULD SELL CRIPPLE art - I bet Abbey could help her with a Web sit - I could promote it in the South at a few galleries - (I have a friend that frames) the extra money could keep you floating.....and all this runs through my head before I click.....and I click.....and what do I get??

Cripple CART....not ART......CART -

Brrrrrrrrother. Sister. I'm looking for new art.....and you just want to go swing at a few Topflight. Nice.....Linda......REAL Nice..... Thanks for the giggle. Maybe you can send me your golf score card - I'll frame THAT.

off now to get new glasses.

 

[Steely]

Linda, I cannot think of any words that contain the exact emotion I feel ~ I guess all I can say is that I truly empathize with you ~ in every capacity. When you write about your life, I can feel it as if it was mine. In some ways you life has paralleled with mine ~ in others not ~ regardless my heart literally goes out to you. I admire you. You are truly a hero for so many of us on this board ~ and in particular me. When I think of my early days on our board, I remember you first and foremost, because your story resonated so deeply within me.

Please know that I truly believe you will overcome all of this. Every single obstacle. You are amazing, and empowered, and solid. I am so sorry, with every ounce of my being, that you are going through this ~ but I believe you will become victorious, as will kt and wm, over it all.

Hugs and love
Steely

 

[Abbey]

Cripple art. (Abbey just shakes her head and cyber passes her X5 reading glasses to Star.)