how did you handle this

[lostwith3adhdboys]

My easy child, 15 has a best friend who is our neighbor. They have been best buddies since they were 3. They went to differ schools, us public, him catholic but now they are in HS together and are together a lot. The mom has been my girlfriend for years. But as our boys reached teen, she is extremely controlling and we are not. When i called the police 2 weeks ago on my difficult child her son was home and told my easy child and his prents. the husband texted my husband asking if there was anything we needed they were there for us. husband txted that the difficult child was not going "to school again and out of control" and that was why i called. so last night easy child is having a few boys sleep over and his boyfriend says he can not because his parents are uncomfortable because of difficult child would be home later. he told easy child and ps is now in tears because now he feels that that cant be friends anymore. I know i should of waited but i was upset and felt like a knife was in my back. I called her and said'i;m not sure what you think but i called the police becuse he was not going to school thats it. i had threatened it and needed to follow through. i said my feelings were hurt because she has known us for over 13 years and the kid has spent weekends with us at our vacation home for the last 7 years and tons of sleepovers. I thanked her for her support and said i needed to hang up before i said something i would regret. The history I shared with my friends was that difficult child's issues was adhd, school avoidance, low self esteem. he does not do drugs, he is not violent (violent like.. punches walls when ******) with anyone except us or drinks (too much) thats it. he has never been in trouble with the police. what pisses me off the most is she is one of those christians, who talk about, volunteers, goes to church every sundaybut she is so judgemental. practice what you preach...her 2 boys are perfect.... what would you have done? she

 

[keista]

((((HUGS))))

First of all, how did she respond to your call? I would probably have done and said the same thing you did, but hopefully waited until I was calm and was able to allow her to respond.

I can see how her actions may be viewed as judgmental, but put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Is it possible that she is truly concerned for the well being of her son. If you did not explain "out of control", she's thinking really out of control since she knows you and difficult child.

I'm in a similar situation but in reverse (I'm in your neighbor's position) DD1 is not allowed to go to her BFF's house. Why? BFF's mom has a live in boyfriend who is pretty much a carbon copy of my FDH. Even though I do not approve, BFF's mom is entitled to be in a relationship with anyone she chooses. HOWEVER that does not mean that I have to allow my child to be subjected to this sorry excuse for a man. I'm not sitting in judgement of the mom, I am protecting my child.

I'd have a heart to heart with this neighbor friend - over a cup of tea maybe. Try not to be defensive. Explain what is or isn't different and allow her to digest/respond.

 

[lostwith3adhdboys]

No i was calm... I first explained why the police was called. She knows that my difficult child would never hurt anyone or do anything except not go to school. I have had heart to hearts before but she is the type"not my kid.. i would not accept that. he would do as i say. discipline him .." you know the type. She knows me, it was like all of a sudden she did not trust me with her kid and after 13 years! This is not just a casual neighbor you say hi to on the street. She is in the close circle of moms for 13 years. If she had concerns why did she not reach out first before she told her kid it was because of difficult child. she told me he could not sleep over and that was it. I told her what her kid said and she tried to deny it. If she was my true friend she would of talked to me first.

 

[exhausted]

Yes I have had this situation. I have found no way to turn around another human who has deeply engrained beliefs. I live in a very religious communittee, indeed city. I am of the predominant faith, but was raised in a home with 2 faiths and therefore not typical of the religion. Both my children were outcasts from the local kids who go to church with us. Neither child wants anything to do with the faith now. The church tolerates me. husband hasn't gone is years.

I understand how hurt you and your boy must be. I would not turn the tables at this point. Let your boy go over there and continue to support their friendship. Good luck to your neighbor because the closets of all neighbors stink! What will she do when her stench is released or leaked to the neighborhood? None of us is perfect and I'm affraid she will medal over and over until she forces her own kid to rebel.

I would back off from your relationship. She is a fair weather friend. I just do not have emotional energy to waste on someone like this. by the way, this happens over and over to those of us with difficult children with both friends and family-very isolating. ((Hugs))