How do you accept that things will never go smoothly?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by StressedM0mma, Jan 9, 2013.

  1. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Just when I think I am OK with difficult child, and everything, I get a bad case of the "whys" I am guessing that Christmas Break has a lot to do with it, but this one is just tearing me up.

    easy child came home, and I saw how grown up she has become since leaving for college. Handling things like her loans, looking for an apartment, finding a job making new friends. I NEVER see difficult child being able to do this. Any of it. And, it is tearing me up. Because in her mind she will be able to do all of it. I know she has 2 more years of H.S., and yes things can change, but I just do not see it happening. She is doing nothing to help herself.

    Sorry for the pity party. It has just been a hard morning this morning. difficult child wouldn't get up to shower, and when she finally did, it was so late that I am sure she is going to be late for school. Again. I just do not know how to fix this. I would love for her to be able todo online school, but she HAS to be around other kids. And quite honestly I need her away from me and out of the house.

    OK, I think I am done for the morning. I need to go remind her that we have to leave in 5 minutes. (Why am I wasting my breath?) She will be late again, and then afraid to go in, and then I will have to sit there for 10 minutes etc. I am just having a really hard time taking a deep breath and moving on this morning.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Just remember this: Some of us difficult child parents (like me) were difficult children ourselves when we were growing up, too. So there is hope. We may take longer to get there, we may need to hit bottom first, we might need more help or to be shoved out the nest to fend for ourselves to see how it really is (it's different for all of us), but there is hope.

    ETA: I was also a late riser every morning, made my Dad crazy. I'm still not a morning person and I'm the one getting up at 5am to drag my absolutely not a morning person difficult child daughter up every morning now. I took forever to get ready, Kiddo does the same thing now. Makes me nuts, but I'm hoping she'll grow out of it like I did.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I have to say that it's hard. I have days when I think that things with difficult child will never, ever get better that I am doomed to this life of living in difficult child he!! for the rest of my life. Those are the bad days.

    There are other day. When the dark side of being a difficult child mom are not as dark as it was the day before and you see progress, even if it's small, baby steps.

    We all have our really down days and I have some where I wonder why I bother to open my mouth at all because no one seems to listen to what I have to say, but I do it because I am the mother and if I don't, no one will. It's my job.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When I was a teen I hated mornings. When I had kids, I had to do mornings. Once I went on disability, I have gone back to my insomnia and have a terrible time with sleep again.
  5. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks everyone. It is just one of those days. The weather is crappy here, I have PMS, and I am just generally a worrywart. All of that combined, not a good mix for today.

    And, I do see progress, even though most others (non-difficult child parents) would disagree. Mon. I had to have guidance come out and escort her in. Tues. I called for them, but it was going to be awhile because he was with a student, and so I talked with difficult child, and she went in on her own. (late again of course) and today, knowing she did not have to walk into photo, she went in the front doors of the building on time. She asked me to drive around to the back of the school and drop her there so no one would see her, but I said no since I was already stopped and she actually got out and went in.

    Bunny, I feel like I am in the midst of those dark days right now. I do not want to be, but it is just where we are at this point. Hugs to you all, and thanks so much for the responses. Sometimes I just need to sit and whine for a little bit before I pull on my big girl panties and move on.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    My daughter is almost 18 and is years away from being independent and no one knows what level of independence she will ever achieve. I've struggled with that over the years, and it's been hitting me again recently. I get very frustrated and even resentful at times.

    I think it's Steely that talks about Radical Acceptance - just radically accepting that this is the way it is. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We have everything possible in place to get her to independence if it's possible. That's all I can do. Some days I accept it better than others.
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Two things have really helped me work on accepting how things are - first is the serenity prayer, which I have on a medallion that I wear around my neck 24/7. I *cannot* control everything, no matter how hard I try. I can try to promote change, but sometimes I need to really recognize if it's a brick wall I'm trying to change. ;)

    The other is something my counselor told me about a year ago. "The definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are." It may just be me, but that struck me as such a profound yet simple concept. I keep that taped to my desk and read it very very often.

    I think it's normal to have the "whys" and worry about what difficult child will/won't be able to do, but (and maybe I'm just really old and tired, LOL) at the end of the day, my take is that things will be what they're going to be. My difficult child isn't doing a whole lot, other than making plans that I just am not sure he can follow thru on - truly can't, not that he won't. There are still some gaps in his lifeskills. But.... he's safe, relatively happy, doing relatively okay today, and he is going to have to figure out what he can and cannot do. I'm thankful we're now in a space where we can offer him moral/emotional support without the gfgness.

    I think it's important to allow ourselves the down days, but equally important to then just grab the bootstraps and continue onward with our own lives.

    Hugs to you.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I do understand. Part of what helped me cope was to redefine what was normal or acceptable. Everyone in my family was expected to attain standard middle class goals or byond. In raising my family I had to lower the bar first with GFGmom...and then subsequently with her sons easy child/difficult child and difficult child#2. Lowering the bar is difficult on the parents but it is "tricky" with difficult children, too. It's a difficult fine line finding the balance between "you'll be following in the family footsteps" and "let's explore areas that are of particular interest to you". I can't say I was successful but verbally and by my positive comments on lower level jobs I "think" I made it acceptable to find what you are suited for. It is not easy. Hugs DDD
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all HUGS to you SM, this is certainly the right place to be when you have those kinds of days, I think those days come with the territory of difficult child land. No doubt about it, it's tough and we're all learning ways to detach, accept, find peace and let go of what we can't control. You're most definitely not alone. What helps me is to realize that each soul has a different plan, something particular to them and that is their karma, their fate, their destiny. Even if that plan looks weird to me, they are in the right place in the big picture, which has nothing to do with me and what my plan for them is. It helps me to take it out of the human dilemma and put it in a 'higher realm' so to speak. That helps me to stay out of the "whys" which causes me suffering because it's unanswerable. I hope you find peace today...........
  10. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Slsh, I think I need to write down what the counselor said about suffering. It is very profound. I just never saw it like that. LIke I said I think it is just one of those days. easy child called all excited that she and the person she will be living with found a great place to live, and she has just really gotten her stuff together. And I know there is a very real possibility that difficult child may take longer to reach that, or may never.
  11. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member


    I feel this way too -- today is one of those days, after consistent verbal abuse from difficult child#2. Angry and tired. Make that rage, not anger.

    Some days are like this and it's bad. Other days I can do the Radical Acceptance. Journey doesn't end does it?

    thanks for writing.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhh I'm sorry. been there done that way too many times.
    I hear you.
    My immediate answer is, "I try not to think about it."

    But you know that we have to ... in one way or another. I try to just enjoy my easy child when she's home, and compartmentalize my thinking, not thinking about difficult child at the same time I think about easy child, if that makes any sense.


    I am in those dark days now too. I am so tired of the yelling, the defiance on everything, husband yelling and raging back. I am surrounded with a house that needs things done in it and I have no desire or strength. The Serenity Prayer is great and I know I can't change either difficult child or husband, but I also know I can't keep living like this. As always, Bunny, I relate to what you said about why open your mouth. We are the Moms and we do have to say stuff but right now, nothing gets listened to and I'm tired.
  14. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Tough question. I feel it much worse when PMSing too. Right before Q's birthday that is what hit me so hard..... For your daughter, it might be a long time, but I have huge hope that the foundation you have given her and the positive signs when things are gong so smoothly might mean this is in part related to adolescence. Even if she has a long term mental illness, I pray that it will be manageable when she is more mature. (I can hope right?)

    For now, it is super wearing and you have the constant vision of how it can be when you see easy child doing so well. Wanting that for difficult child so much. I imagine that is pretty sad at times. I hope the week gets better.....many hugs.
  15. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    We do our best to NOT compare K1 and K2.
    Two completely different kids. Would be, even without their issues.
    We don't react to stuff the same way as other parents. Getting an A on a project isn't celebrated. Getting your project done to the best of your ability, IS... and if you could have done a better job and gotten A++, then A isn't worth celebrating... but a C for a kid who has to next-to-kill-themselves to deliver the project in scope and on time... is huge. Know what I mean??

    Comparisons drag everybody down.
    difficult child will move forward, will grow... and may well surprise you.
    Right now... is when things are at their hardest, and it's difficult to not be all "doom and gloom" some days.
  16. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks everyone. I too try very hard to not compare the girls. With easy child gone, it is easier not to. But, when she called to tell me all of her news about the aprtment and figuring out all of her loan details, and everything, it just tore me up.

    Today was a horrid morning. difficult child was refusing to go into school. Her guidance counselor came out, and for the first time she refused him, and would not go in. He was also in a hurry, because he had a mtg to get to. I had to call husband to come to school, and physically remove her from my car. He Had me drive away, and he got her into the building. This took almost 2 hours. But, we forced her to go. And, I came home and cried. She just kept saying she needed a break. That it was too hard. And I have to force her out of the car and have her brought in. It breaks my heart, but I know I cannot let her hide from this. Here is hoping that tmrw morning is a better day.
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  18. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    Thanks everybody. difficult child walked into school this morning on time and at the front doors. After yesterday when it took 2 hours and husband physically carrying her. Oh to be in her mind and figure out what the difference is btwn yesterday and today. difficult child's. Sigh.
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The fact that she survived yesterday makes today easier. Sometimes.
    I know... it's not something we can "compute". I don't think she can, either.
    Especially if it's truly primary depression, the brain chemistry is both wonky and inconsistent, and SHE isn't fully in control of it either.
  20. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    I'm having a very hard time coming to terms with-the fact that things will never go smoothly. Some days I feel so down about it. If I think about it too much or talk to a friend, I dissolve into tears. Other days, if it's been a good day, I feel a little more hopeful. But then a setback and I'm right back where I was. :(