How to eliminate the anger.

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by SmittyBoy, Apr 19, 2018.

  1. DadInProgress

    DadInProgress Member

    I am not ready to dig into my childhood stuff, but have a lot of anger and pain related to abuse and neglect.

    Are MMA or kickboxing good activities for people with non-violent PTSD experience.
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I believe so, yes. I have been doing privates at a mma academy, mainly bjj and kb. I am old, so it has taken a while for me to build up endurance. I have a history of abuse.

    My professor was bullied. As a youth, for years. He says most of the adult students have been either bullied or feel fearful and have been submissive. These are mostly men!

    On the basis of my own experience, I would go for it.
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  3. Dory

    Dory Member

    I love bush walking. Run jump slide,stop check out the animals.

    But yeah it would be awesome to kick the crap out of someone.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think it is very helpful to learn about the why of your family early on. I did but this was at a time when nobody suggested bold acts such as going low to no contct.. I would have been shocked at the idea at first but probably would have ultimately done this probably iny early 40s when I was getting stronger. It is a hard concept for anyone who has been told in our society to love and honor your parents and family due to DnA. . You think something is wrong with you if your mother, sick though she may be doesnt love you. So you keep trying because you think its you that is the problem not them,even though they were like this when you were a little kid, sometimes even an.infant. And so, since they decided early in your life that you are the one that just makes them feel not so good about themselves, little child you is baaaad, it becomes your job to prove you are not bad for your entire life.

    But these parents need a bad guy to feel good. And you are it. If you have a forceful personality at all or try to defend yourself you are REALLY baaaaaad.

    From my experience of both trying to get justice as a kid and being ostracized as the bad guy of a sick mother and family system ii in my opinion is best to get the hello out of Dodge. But this usually takes years of therapy. I tried so hard with my mother that I made a fool out of myself. She misinterpreted my efforts anyway and my sister told me something like 'she "told me you just called to annoy her." So untrue but so typical. She never called ME or told me she loved me when I said I loved her.

    She never talked to my kids. Never even saw my youngest two. The me curse was on them too. But they were better off not knowing her.

    So I quit trying. Eventually she passed and disinherited me. It was not like she had a lot of money but the fresh rejection hurt. And it made it impossible for me to feel the once intense unconditional love for anyone in my family of origin again...the love I had once felt was there but muted. Nobody even reached out to comfort me. It was hard even though no surprise.

    After that my sister took over a very hurtful demeaning and abusive on/off role with me that included calling the police every time she got mad at me. The police would look sheepish and say "We don't really like this kind of call but we have to come and your sister doesn't want you to call her anymore."

    The presence of the cops terrified my littles but heck it's not like she has any caring for anyone in my family. In fact her ability to feel for the very few she loves the best she can love is very limited. She even called the cops when we moved out of state. Luckily the head cop after we moved was a family friend...he didn't believe anything she said. He knew us. His daughter was close to my daughter. He stopped even if she called. He would tell me about the call and laugh only when we saw one another in town.

    Yet I kept letting my sister come back. I loved her.

    I am 64 now and after my father passed I had an empathic knowing that she would start to cling to me since we were now orphans. She doesn't like to be alone and I just saw it coming.

    "I will never cut you off again." She said but she didn't promise to never bother me with cops again

    I wouldn't have believed her anyway.

    With my father gone it made it easy for me to reclaim my golden years as family of origin and sisters games out of my energy field.

    Something is wrong with my sister mentally although only recently, in her later years, is she seeing a therapist and I am sure she didn't tell her the crazier things she has done like calling the cops repeatedly on me. I am sure only she knows that. She has a need and ability to put on a good mask. Yet she once did not invite my brother to her wedding because he embarrassed her. He was too ugly. You cant make this stuff up. My brother is nice and forgave her but I am SURE he doesn't know why she really didn't invite him. She is a good manipulator and comes up with nice reasonable sounding explanations but it was just that she thought he was ugly. I heard her. I know. She made fun of his looks for over a decade. My mother knew too. I am sure since he was her special golden child she never told him about that. I am glad. He never needs to know that. She called her close bird friend borderline too. She is a psychiatrist in her own mind. In truth she chooses pretty strange friends too at least in my opinion. And she NEVER thinks she has serious mental health issues, but..hey....judge for yourself

    She has a severe eating disorder and even now diets if she is over 100 pounds. My ex saw her a few years ago and asked me if she had HIV. She over exercises. My uncle had this too. The family damaged us all Even those who claim to love Mother. My brother was in therapy Maybe he still is. He moved far away. Back to sis she has been in a very abusive relationship for seven years.
    She left her husband of 20 years who she claims she never loved. She has an inability last I heard to go no contact with this awful man but she certainly gives it back to him.
    She even kept 10k that she promised to pay back. And he broke into her house once but she wouldn't call the cops on him ever (shrug). She didn't want him to have his life ruined. Only

    I accept the past,my family of origin and the need to be with people of positive energy for me. I have an amazing g family of choice with four kids I am VERY close to. We just spent an amazing weekend together as hub retired and my daughter graduated and we all had so much fun
    No drama. Just love.

    My future son I law is a new and positive family member.

    I ask myself why cutting them off, except for Dad whi was divorced from Mother and not a part of this, did not happen sooner. I guess I loved too much and wanted back what I would never get.

    I am in a great place now. Interestingly enough I am the only sib in a great loving long term relationship. I think my sibs can't get intimately close to nice people probably due the parents. My mother also never had a loving long term relationship. They pick the wrong people and never let's go. This does not include my sweet brother. He has a chronic illness which may be a part of it. But the others....terrible failed abusive relationships. Aversions to nice men. Looks mean to much over character.

    I am proud of where I am in spite of all this. i wallow in love.

    Smitty,get help that works for YOU. Don't spend your life in a clusterfrok of blame and dysfunction from screwed up people who use you to feel better about themselves.

    Love and.light,buddy.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2018
  5. DadInProgress

    DadInProgress Member

    I feel like I fuel it sometimes. I always point out the remarks or absurdity of the grandious stories or sudden is a horrible attitude that I should change. But I think of all the times I tried to explain...and figure at least pointing out the behavior might help it click in their head one day.

    Suppose detaching sends the biggest message tho.
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Don't waste your time. If you are the scapegoat, nobody will listen. You can't change anyone but yourself.
  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry that all of you have had to deal with parents like the ones you describe. I think everybody deals with things in their own way. Detachment or physical activities both seem healthy to me. I hope each of you is able to do good things for yourselves and understand it was not and is not your fault. Bless you.