how to fend off unwanted parenting advice???????

[whateveryousay2007]

Long story short we went shopping....

difficult child doesn't do well with crowds and noise....sensory issues. He comes across as being rude when he has to wait in line. Anyway....I know he's 8 and shouldn't ride in a buggy (the back) but sometimes he's overwhelmed and it's security for him.

So....he's making noises and becoming irritated.Some lady in line asked him how old he was. He wouldn't look her in the face (he hardly makes eye contact) but he tells her he's 8.

She turns back around and he asks me what's taking so long? He wants to leave. The lady keeps looking back with that look.....

You know....get your child under control.....look.....

difficult child tells me that he wants her to stop looking at him. She hears him and tells me that kids need to be seen and not heard.
EXCUSE ME?

Before I had a chance to respond difficult child looks at me and asks again what's taking so long. I told him that we'd be out in just a few minutes. The lady looks at me again rolling her eyes.

I didn't feel the need to explain to her but aside from leaving him at home (it isn't feasible every time I have to run an errand)how do you tell people to butt out without biting their head off. Or having to explain that your child is special....?

 

[carolanne]

I have a 2yr old that hates shopping but at times it's unavoidable and he goes with me. I am always confronted by people who think they can parent my child...and I am tired of it.

The last time this happened, Johnnie was in full out tantrum over not getting candy...I tend to stop dead in my tracks and let him work it out. I tell him after that he made too much noise and fuss and wasn't getting it...one lady tried to hand it to him!

But the kicker was the one who suggested walloping his butt...her own husband told her to shut the f up and he smacked her :smile:

I just smile and say he's having a rough time and please be patient. To the ones who keep rolling their eyes and sighing...I always ask if they have kids and when they say no(and most of them do) I just smile back, sigh and say "wait your turn...I am sure you will raise perfectly quiet, sneaky little monsters."....gets them every time..

Just keep doing what you do when you are out...you need make no explanations/apologies....your child isn't being rude and it's too bad there are adults out there who have forgotten what children are like...

Carolanne

 

[Dara]

What does that mean kids should be seen and not heard?! Obviously this woman has no children of her own. I am so sorry you had to go through this! People like that make my blood boil! (it doesnt take much these days) I always have to do my best to take a deep breath and keep it together and keep all of those things I want to really say in my head.

 

[klmno]

I always tried to ignore the strangers who insinuated they knew better than me about my difficult child. He rode in the cart way past typical age, too.

I used to have a friend who said a lady in a store once told her "I've raised 4 children and none of them acted like THAT", referring to the behavior of my friend's child. Her husband looked at the lady and said, "Well, you haven't raised this one so butt out"

 

[Fran]

I whisper, "he is a child with special needs". Makes them shut up and feel stupid.

I don't believe I have ever had anyone stupid enough to say kids should be seen and not heard but I guess it happens.

Besides what do you care what she thinks? You won't ever see her again. Her opinion and insight is worthless.

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

I think I would have asked her if she had any suggestions on keeping him quiet and when she offered them (pretty sure she would have with her holier than thou self). Then you could have told her since she knew so much she could take him home and see how well she did with him.

I once had a "friend" at church tell me that my difficult child wouldn't last 2 minutes with her. I told her she was right because she would be bringing him home. She said she knew how to handle him and suggested she would physically punish him. I just laughed and told her she should be very thankful for her son who's worse habit was having to be told something more than once but otherwise listened. He was 2. husband & I still get a kick out of this!!

 

[whateveryousay2007]

I think the children should be seen and not heard stems from the era that my parents/grandparents were raised in. Act up and I'll beat the snot out of you....


Kids are kids...they are impatient and of course they act out sometimes. They haven't learned all the social cues they need to deal with life like most (not all) adults have.

Add ADD, Asperger's or any other impairment to the mix and it's a wonder they process things as well as they do.

With that being said....I have on one instance snapped at someone for comments. My mom was shocked that I did it. I didn't feel well and difficult child was being impatient.

The woman made a comment similar to "my kids didn't act that way".

I looked at her and told her that "your kids don't have autism either, do they?"

I try not to talk about his "issues" in front of him because I don't want him to feel like there is something wrong with him.

I probably shouldn't have said it...but it just climbed all over me.

I think the special needs comment is good. I go to Vandy tomorrow for testing. I'm curious to see what they have to say.

 

[LynnG61]

I always smile and ask, do you have children? If their answer is no, I always say "I iunderstand, I was a perfect parent also until I had children!'

 

[ggluvbug]

It probably wasn't the right thing to do, but last year I was at Cracker Barrel with my 3 kids. I was trying to get out the door through that store without a complete meltdown by all of them. Well, some older lady who looked like she had swallowed a lemon kept giving me dirty looks....you know the ones! I was so irritated. I got my 3 kids buckled in the car, and I went back into that place and gave her a piece of my mind. I told her that unless she understands a situation, she needs to keep her opinionated looks to herself. She was completely dumbfounded and very embarrassed. Not me! That was a very liberating thing for me to do. I don't regret it in the least bit.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

"Mommy, I wish she would stop looking at me."


"Honey, maybe she has special needs and can't help it."

 

[saman]

I repeat..."It's really hard being 5, isn't it?" My son looks like he's 8 or 9 years old (height/weight-wise), so that usually shuts people up, but I've been known to just STARE at the offender.

Before parenting a difficult child...I was THAT mom that said my children would never act that way. HAHAHAHA! Reality check...

Hang in there. I do ignore it sometimes, but not if my son has seen the actions of the ignorant adult.

 

[Fran]

"Honey, maybe she has special needs and can't help it."

I'm going to keep that one in my arsenals of appropriate comments to rude people. Thanks.

 

[whateveryousay2007]

That is classic.....

 

[witzend]

How about "Adults should be kind and not stare."

What a witch!

 

[Dara]

Big Bad Kitty, that was too funny!

 

[I'm going crazy!!!]

BBK that was so funny i'm with fran i'm holding onto that one!!!!!!!

 

[whateveryousay2007]

Often people confuse meltdowns with temper tantrums. I used to be one of these people (before I had difficult child) that used to think that kids acting up were spoiled, etc....

But...now when I see the same situation with other parents I think....good luck with that.

One lady kept apologizing because her difficult child was acting up in line. She apologized and told me that he was tired. I told her it was no need to apologize I understood.

 

[whateveryousay2007]

I repeat..."It's really hard being 5, isn't it?" My son looks like he's 8 or 9 years old (height/weight-wise), so that usually shuts people up, but I've been known to just STARE at the offender.

I wish mine was that way. He's almost 8 1/2 and looks 6.
4'2" & weighs 48lbs.

 

[saman]

I wish mine was that way. He's almost 8 1/2 and looks 6.
4'2" & weighs 48lbs.

We can switch! LOL My 5 year old is 4'4" and weighs 85 :-O He's in a size 8/10 and a boys size 4-5 (depends on brand) shoe!

 

[whateveryousay2007]

Mine wears 8 slim pants....has to be the kind with the elastic & buttons on the inside or they won't fit, size 8 shirt (some 10's-it depends) & a size 1 shoe.

There are 2nd graders on his basketball team, he's in the 3rd grade(1st - 3rd team) that are a head taller than he is! He just found out that the person he's responsible for guarding this season is 6 years old!

Mine hardly eats....I'm suprised he has any energy to even walk!

doctor says he's in the 25% for weight & almost 50% for height. Not to worry....he'll catch up....