How would you handle this one?

[Stella Johnson]

difficult child went to church with Grandma today. Some boy in her class told her to kiss him on the lips.

The teacher told Grandma. Grandma came storming in demanding I talk to difficult child right then. She just makes it all worse. She thinks it's her place to demand when I talk to my daughter and about what. I told her to leave.

I asked difficult child why she did it. She said because he told her to. Then giggled and said he's weird. I told her that she is not to do things just because someone especially boys tell you to. She's a young lady and needs to act like one.

THen she kept asking me why she can't have a boyfriend. I told her she isn't old enough. She rolled her eyes.

For those that don't know my difficult child, she is very emotionally and mentally immature for her age. She is more along the lines of a 7 or 8 yr old in a very developed preteen body. She has the hormones of a preteen thrown in as well.

Boys that are 14 and 15 follow her around the neighborhood trying to flirt with her because they don't know she's barely 12.

I'm terrified right now. difficult child is so stubborn and headstrong at home but she'll do anything her peers tell her to do. She is constantly in trouble at home because I will tell her she can't do something then does it anyway and says her friends told her to do it so she did. Then I of course get the "I'm sorry" line. Why can't she be this stubborn when it comes to boys???

I know I need to have "The Talk" with her. I just have no idea how to start or go about it. She's so impressionable with her friends. I'm scared to death she's going to get talked into something.

Fran,
Want to drive down here and take her on one of your speeding in the BFT, locked doors talks?

Steph

 

[klmno]

Yep, it definitely sounds time for a few talks. I wish I knew what you could tell her that would work. Maybe someone knows of a movie you could watch with her that might help. Do you know of any situations at school with other kids that you could use as an example? Sorry I can't be more help.

 

[totoro]

I know nothing. But I need to know. K is so immature but I have a feeling N is gonna be the problem.
This topic just flat out scares me.

 

[Nancy423]

OMG, that sounds like what my difficult child would do. i'm still trying to find a way to bring up the subject with- her.....i'm stalling.....procrastinating....

 

[Stella Johnson]

I know I need to have a long talk with her. I know telling her no boyfriends isn't going to help. Hormones and curiosity are raging.

Steph

 

[flutterbee]

It sounds like she is wanting to be liked and will do what others tell her to do so they will like her. Maybe explaining - repeatedly - that real friends don't ask you to do something you don't want to do.

 

[Marguerite]

We had similar concerns with easy child 2/difficult child 2, although we had the advantage that she was intelligentenough to be reasoned with. The problem with her is what husband calls "round heels": we knew she was such a sensuous, snuggly person that it would be far too easy for her to be - well, far too easy. Yes, I suppose you could call it hypersexual except for her it goes way beyond sexuality.

The main angle we took, was one of "it's YOUR choice, your body, never let anyone make you do anything you don't really want to do for yourself." We pushed the personal respect thing plus we emphasised that boys will want physical "liberties" as a primary aim, they will do whatever tey can purely to get what they want. And if that is all they want, they will then walk away. Not right, not fair. So never leave yourself open to this sort of abuse, you deserve far better. Always make sure YOU are the one in control, YOU are the one who can say, "Stop! This isn't what I feel comfortable with, right now."

We had to practice it and reherse it.

Then, of course, it worked almost too well. easy child 2/difficult child 2 did look younger than her years (still does) but was always very, very pretty and had boys falling over themselves to get to her. But her self-esteem was good (we worked on that too) so she never felt a need to use boys to make herself feel better about herself. As a result, she began keeping ALL boys at a very long arms' distance. She was also very creative in how she did this - she convinced the local boys that she was a practising witch and would make their lives a misery if they made a nuisance of themselves. She's not a witch, just a good actress.

We didn't ban easy child 2/difficult child 2 from having a boyfriend; in fact, she did have a boyfriend (of sorts) when she was 12. It wasanother boy who liked her, but only because he thought she liked him. She only liked him, because she thought he liked her. A typical pre-teen mess. He came on a couple of family outings with us, a sort of 'date' but under parental supervision. We took him to the zoo and let them wander around where they wanted to, but with many other members of the public around too. So they would have felt like they were grown up and out on their own, but with a safety net. The 'boyfriend' was also a good friend of difficult child 1's, so they hung around together too.

After a couple of these outings it became increasingly clear that niether of them was wanting to stay committed to the other, they both were too young. But they stayed good friends, and especially the 'boyfriend' stayed good friends with difficult child 1.

It was, overall, a very useful experience and it took the pressure off (a lot) of her wanting to have a boyfriend like everyone else. She could finally say she'd had a boyfriend and felt the experience was not worth the effort, she chose to be single because she preferred the freedom. Having already had a boyfriend - she had passed whatever passes for 'a test', she had proved she was capable of having a boyfriend.

Quite a few years later, a boy in her class at school showed an interest in her and, amazingly, she accepted it. They would text each other across the classroom (naughty, naughty) and he asked her, by text, to be his girlfriend. But after a couple of months of failed dates, of him not turning up because he was stoned or drunk, she decided to dump him. But he never answered her phone calls, all he would do was text her. So she dumped him - by text!

Her next boyfriend was the one she slept with (no way could we prevent it) and they were together for two years. She has been with the next boyfriend (her fiance, BF2) for two years now.

She was still legally underage when she had sex for the first time (at 17), but still made it longer than I thought she would, longer than a lot of girls in her generation. And she hasn't used sex in a trivial way at all, she's a serial monogamist (the best we could have hoped for with her).

I hope you can use some of this info.

Marg

 

[lillians]

its a tough one,, we are going thru it now,,plus and our daughter is 16,its been ongoing now for a while,, your daughter at 12 immature or not has heard stuff at school or other places,, i promise you,,our daughter is functioning at around 10,, and she told me--all about humping as she calls it,,and momma everyone knows about humping,, her words,,we started as she was younger with a program about circles a defined program to show where all your intimate circles are who to hug and how and why,,it is also on comp,,its sad,, and heartbreak8ing but every song and every story is a ahh lovin thingour next trip is to the dr for bcontrol,, so far we think we have controlled and kept her safe,but it will not last forever,, the talk was a disaster as she doesnt have a deep concept of what yu are saying only a very shallow guess,,i wish yu the best,,

 

[Fran]

Steph, I'll be down that way. I'll take you on the bft with difficult child. LOL.

I think her level of comprehension is lagging behind her body. Most young girls bodies are more grown up than their minds. Unfortunately hormones are part of the maturing body and have nature's drive regardless of emotional maturity. Your difficult child has to make up more ground intellectually and emotionally than average.

Certainly you must have the talk about sex and baby making which is the physical part but more importantly. in my humble opinion, is the talk about self respect and deciding who is deserving of her special gift that can never be returned. It is appropriate at this tender age to talk about a special someone when she is much older and ready for a long term commitment that will require she be working and having a home of her own.
The ongoing conversation should be about her dreams for the future and how indiscriminate sex takes away from her dream.

Then the safety issue comes into play. She must know about being hurt if she doesn't stop and think what will happen if she follows instructions from someone who does not have her best interest in mind. Before she does anything a peer tells her in regards to behavior she has not done before she should check with you. It's her only safety net that may be simple enough for her to follow. The thought of her following a young man into an empty house where he or even more guys can hurt, beat, rape her is terrifying.

You don't want her scared of everyone and sex but you want her to be guarded and cautious for the next 5 to 8 years until her mind catches up to her body.

She needs to know that even though it feels funny or nice that there are steps she must master towards adulthood before she can follow those urges. She needs to be patient to find the right one who will treat her kindly and with respect. Not just guys who buy her things or say things but real building blocks to a healthy relationship.

Obviously this is a conversation that must be had frequently and repeatedly. Offering examples in real life or watching a movie together will help her visualize your teachings. Point out those examples frequently.

It will be a long drive in the bft.