husband and i have decided

[ready2run]

that we are going to surrender custody of difficult child to the children's aid society. we can not handle it anymore. he has been nothing but trouble since he got here when he was 2. we have done everything and anything we could to try to help him and he has not made any significant improvement. yes, his medications have helped to decrease the violent outbursts but not erase them or stop any of the other difficult behaviours. i am not going to allow the rest of my kids to grow up in a house that is haunted by him any longer. today he smashed up his room again. he attacked me, slapping and punching in front of my 3 yo. he went on to scratching up his face and then started to threaten suicide and ordering me to 'just kill me now so i don't have to do it.' the hospital here says they can't take him because they have no where to hold him and they can't put him in the adult psychiatric ward or in pediatrics. i know many of you have had the strength to continue this on until adulthood but i don't have it in me to keep going for another 12 years. i will die a stress related death before then, i think. and i can not have my kids exposed to this anymore. it has gone on to long and been pushed to far. i get glimpses of what life could be like if not for difficult child and that is how it should be.
so the plan: i am going to write a detailed letter about why we want to surrender him and take that into the office monday morning after dropping him off at school. i am going to request that they not attempt to place him with family because i do not want to burden any of them with his problems, they are not his bio family and i do not want him to put their kids at risk. i am going to suggest that he be put in a home with no other kids and two adults able to moniter him 24/7 and a warning that they should lock up all valuables and breakables as well as any knifes/scissors/dangerous things as we have to do that here. after dropping off the note i will have to stay and talk to a worker, i will do that then come home pack up his stuff and ask them to pick him up and take him from school directly to care.

i know, it might seem heartless. i can't do it anymore. i am at the point where i have detached from him along the line somewhere and i can't stand him anymore. husband has long past done the same. i don't think we have ever really bonded with him properly, he hasn't let us. he hasn't stopped screaming and demanding and yelling and hitting, ect the whole time he's been here and i am tired of hoping for improvement that isn't happening and waiting for services that aren't helping us. plus he keeps saying i did things to him which i didn't do, so in my mind it's only a matter of time before they take him anyways. he accused me of knocking out his loose tooth and chocking him on it when he was showing me how lose it was and it fell out(from him wabbling it) and he swallowed it. that is just one example. anyways. i don't know what i am looking for here. advice maybe, anyone actually gone through with this before? i don't even know if it is going to work and i don't know what i will do if it doesn't. i'd love for bio mom to suddenly stop being a difficult child and come get him. ugh.

 

[ksm]

I am so sorry - I don't have any advice for you, but I can tell that you must have tried everything possible. Do you live in the states? I don't know anything about the legalities of such. I am assuming that he is your husbands son, and biomom is out of the picture. Have you talked to an attorney about how this is usually handled?

Best of luck to all of you and I hope difficult child can be somewhere where he is safe, and others are safe too. KSM

 

[ready2run]

yes, he is husband's son and his bio mom left him and his 2 older siblings when he was born, and another baby 6 months later (she got pregnant right away and baby was very premature and managed to survive for only 18 mos). i had not considered consulting a lawyer. that is a good idea. also i am not in the US. i am in canada

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* for everything that has happened and all yet to come. I have no advice either.

 

[hearts and roses]

Just sending thoughts, prayers and hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I have NO judgement of you at all. I know that we all are meant to handle different things and I honestly don't know if I could handle a stepchild's behavior as long as I tolerated Wiz. I probably would have kept Wiz with us except that it was so dangerous to all of us. in my opinion this is the same thing. The accusations and violence are going to escalate as he grows and it won't get any better if you don't have a bond. Wiz and I were very bonded and we still couldn't manage.

I know this must be VERY hard, but in all honesty there is no reason to sacrifice the other kids on the altar of his gfgness. It is not a decision you made lightly, and I respect the courage it takes to admit that you cannot give him what he needs and/or keep everyone safe while he lives in your home. I think it takes a HUGE loving heart to admit that, esp when you know that there will be people who do not understand.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[ready2run]

thank you for your support and understanding everybody. you are right, it has been a difficult decision and this is something we have discussed many times in the past two years, maybe longer.

 

[buddy]

Just lots of hugs and support. I have a hard time with one. Some kids really are too broken to live in a family. Are you going to have no further contact or just put him in other's custody or will they decide that at the meeting? Hugs and support. Love, Dee

 

[InsaneCdn]

Here's a couple of links for you... Ontario info.

Foster Care

Residential Services

Children's Rehabilitation Services: Children's Treatment Centres

There's two Children's treatment centres in "northern Ontario" - the rest are all South.

You will have some challenges...
First challenge is, this is not YOUR child. husband may be able to relinquish, but not you.
Next challenge is, the system is overloaded, and they may not be able to take him directly. Be prepared for this.

{{hugs}}
I can't imagine... being in your shoes, or in difficult child's shoes... broken kids are everybody's problem, but there are no easy fixes.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Just want to say that I understand that feeling of hopelessness. I could never judge you. You have done all you can. God bless you and keep you strong. You haven't created this situation. It was handed to you.

 

[KTMom91]

Adding in my support and sending hugs.

 

[Ktllc]

Just want to send you you my support in these difficult times. May you have peace and strength in your journey.

 

[JJJ]

Be prepared for them to refuse to take him. They will likely suggest that you and husband separate with husband taking difficult child to live elsewhere. Not fair but you probably have a battle in front of you.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Bunny]

No judgment from me. I know the feelings of helplessness and the feeling that no matter what you do it's never going to get better. I'm sorry that it's come to his decision, but I do understand it.

 

[StressedM0mma]

No judgement here either. I completely understand the helplessness that you feel. It is overwhelming. Prayers and hugs from me, and I hope you do not have too much of a battle on your hands.

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry. It is truly overwhelming.
I like the idea of getting a lawyer, because you may not be able to do an immediate and clean surrender.
Many hugs.

 

[DDD]

I, too, am sending supportive thoughts your way. I hope all goes well for your family. Truthfully (and I have never been there done that) I think it likely is in his best interests to have a more appropriate placement. Fingers crossed that down the road everyone will know this decision was the right one. Hugs. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

P.S. I like the idea that two adults could focus totally on him and his issues, with-o other kids running around. Then structured playdates could be arranged and organized.

 

[Malika]

I am so sorry for this tragic situation. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Your stepson is sick and his behaviour is not his fault but I also understand - and in a way wish I didn't - how unmanageable such behaviour can be and how very destructive. I understand how it is impossible to live with. I wish there could have been, and still could be, a way for him to stay within your family without breaking it to pieces, but it seems like that would be a miracle. May you each of you, in your different ways, find peace and hope.

 

[DaisyFace]

No words...

just (((hugs)))