husband is trying...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, May 2, 2011.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    and I'm trying to do my part is rewarding the positive and ignoring the negative. It is so insanely hard with a grown man...

    We had a shoot on Saturday, and we had a great day. But, being "May Day eve", it was a full day. Wee isn't all that into shooting, but he has to be dragged along because dad won't do anything different with him, even tho he's not really into shooting, either (tho he did help at this one). Both cgfg and Wee and easy child 1's girlfriend were looking forward to May-basket-ing, so after the shoot, we made the baskets to deliver on Sunday. A tradition we've done for years. Maybe I should have skipped this year - I don't know. So anyway, got home from delivering baskets with cgfg and Wee (again, cause dad won't go out and do it), to husband in his chair.

    And I lost it last night. He logged at least 8 hours in that chair again yesterday. While we were out, he "did the dishes", which consists of putting them in the dishwasher. But he's getting lax on it already, and its GROSS...the fryer and skillets he used on Wed were still out and full of oil, crumbs, and food. I wanted to fix supper, but I am sick of working around all that ****. I gave him 4 nights...

    So I went to get out a dish rag to start cleaning up...there are none. So I go get a dish towel. The dishtowels are in a flour bin in an old hoosier cabinet. Its above eye level, so you can't see what you are grabbing. I reach in to get a towel and pull out a dish rag. Ok, fair enough, I needed a dishrag anyway. Then I go back to get a towel and reach in and get another dishrag. I finally pull down the cabinet so I can see in....all the dish rags. Calmly, I tell husband what he already knows - dishrags go under the sink (he put them away, at my request, earlier this week), and he snaps that I am too damn perfect and he can't do anything right in my eyes so why should he try.

    Really? He's lived here 8 years and doesn't know where the dishrags go? And that's too **** much to expect with everything else I overlook?

    Later, I asked him what I am missing (not facetiously). He used to say I was a 'catch' and whoever I married would need to take care of me, or someone else would, so I asked him...what happened to that? Is he taking care of me in some way that I am missing?

    He said he's doing "nothing that matters in your eyes". So I asked for examples. He can't give me any. I am so friggin sick of this.

    He did help at the shoot. A lot. And all my shooting friends see him being "so supportive" because he comes sometimes but rarely rides. They didn't hear him tell the camping friends that he goes to practice to help me, cause he doesn't "need to practice and all that stuff - he can do what he wants on his horse already".

    PLUS - He's trying to catch a mouse with peanut butter on a trap, but the food crumbs and grease on the counter and stove....why would the mouse go to the peanut butter???? And he has a fort built around the trap so the cat can't get to the trap....

    I'm so tired. He's a 10 year old and needs a parent....he's a 10 year old and needs a parent....he's a 10 year old and needs a parent...
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhh, I am so sorry. {{hugs}}
    He does sound like a child. Spoiled, too. And depressed.
    So, what's your long-term plan?
  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I am trying (trying being the operative word) to give him credit for trying and following the counselor's plan. However, times like this, it is INSANELY hard.

    If he's willing to try, I should be willing to let him. I am the one who let it go to this point of anger, so that's my burden to bear...
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Shari.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Is he in counseling, too?
  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, I guess you'll have a lot to talk about at the next appointment ...
    Can you detach at all? A tiny bit? I know it's hard.
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Yes, he's trying.

    Trying your patience. Of which you have a LOT. I mean a TON, girl.
  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I admit I don't get this...

    There seems to be a really big 'disconnect' somewhere....and like you, I probably would have tried to ask about it. "What am I missing?"

    It seems like your husband is living in a world different from everyone else's. (A lot of difficult children have their own world, too.) He is perceiving things a certain way that others cannot seem to see. Maybe he views himself as a hard worker or as detail-oriented or as very, very busy....and just can't understand that he is not any of those things by real-world standards.

    That's definitely one for a therapist to sort out!
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, he told the counselor he is just always so busy... Rarely gets by with "just" 40 hours a week. The first time we went? He was working longer days. It lasted 2 weeks. Before then, and now, he works 40 hours.

    And then he made the "the farm takes so much time, always checking the livestock" blah blah blah. You know what? Last year, all calves hit the ground and were days old before he knew they were there (and I was the one that found them - yet this is "his" job). The mean cow? He had no idea she'd had her calf this year or was even close to it. We have a cow now that appears to be 2 weeks overdue. he hasn't checked on her in 8 days. Last year, her calf was probably a month old before we saw it, and he thought she hadn't had it yet, so its entirely possible in this case, too. If the livestock is in the small lot locked up and need hay put out with the tractor? he checks them. If they are out on pasture and require opening and closing multiple gates to get to them and running around to locate them and it takes more than 5 minutes? This is what he does. He is NOT busy. If you can average 4-6 hours of tv per day, you're not busy. He sees his parents' cows FAR more than our own.

    He fixed the a-arm on his truck yesterday. But the axle was also broke and he gave up at that point, so its at the mechanic. Mechanic just called and it needs ball joints now, too. He said they are shot. And they weren't even loose 4 months ago when it passed inspection. It would appear chasing that horse with this truck is going to end up costing about $400.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    All I can say? LOTS of patience. I have one too. Or did. He's much better in many areas now. Am currently working on the get your fanny outta the chair and help me around the house thing.

    He seems to currently believe that retirement means vegetating in a chair for 16 hrs a day. omg Heaven forbid the man have a real hobby or interest to keep him up and moving.

    I used to be hard on husband for putting things away in the wrong places.......................Until Nichole came over one day and asked me where something was kept. She lived here forever........and didn't know? So yeah, cut him some slack with that one now. Do ask him where he puts stuff I can't find. Just easier.

    Yesterday.......I'm doing dishes that got behind over the's my birthday. You'd think husband would come and offer.........uh no of course not. So made him go get steaks that were on sale for my birthday dinner. lol
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I think I'm gonna look into buying Sesame Street seasons 1-55 on dvd.

    Make him watch all of the "which of these is not like the other?" parts... Dish towel - dish towel - dish towel - rag....

    I'm not sure which is worse...not putting it away, or cramming it somewhere to call it "put away". I am so afraid my house is going to look like his mother's some day....omg. It scares me.

    We have a box full of can "coozies". A BOX. FULL. Its a paper box from work; we buy paper by the case, so its, what...18x23x15-ish? And it is crammed full of these things. They are folded inside others to keep them in the box. PLUS - we have a boot box full of them in the camper, an entire shelf full of them in the house, 5 or 6 in every vehicle; he has them crammed everywhere. There was one in cgfg's room when I cleaned it - it was stained and nasty. I threw it away. He saw me. He dug thru the garbage to get it and said he'd put it in his truck.

    This morning, I went to get the gun cabinet key....guess what I found in the drawer? That coozie. Plus about a dozen others. Along with the manual for the new grill (dug out of the garbage), the manual for the lawnmower, and 6 or 8 old (I mean really old) used cell phones that aren't ours and I don't know where came from. Ugh.
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    My kids do this. Especially Jett.

    My egg slicer - the kind with wires - I went to use it last night. The middle had a fork rammed through it. Thus breaking it. Since when do we put forks in that drawer? UMM, NEVER? Or the plastic colander, stacked with the sauce pans. I have multiple sizes of glass baking dishes - I opened the cupboard Saturday and - smallest on bottom, largest on top. HUH? (We've had discussions about this.) Oh - and then last night I pulled out a sauce pan for the eggs. It had, literally, fingerfuls of grease in a ring on the inside. I do happen to know Jett did the dishes last.

    He was told this morning that he needs to take care of the dishes today. I'll have to figure out where stuff is... And then make sure it's CLEAN.
  14. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    LOL Step, that is so my house. My kitchen is very small. 4 standard cabinets long and one person wide. The sink is on one side, with the 4 cabinets below it, 2 drawers on each side of it, 2 cabinets above on each side, and the smaller cabinets over the sink. The other side of the kitchen is the stove and dishwasher, so there's only one cabinet below on that side, and 2 above. And I have a hoosier cabinet. So I bought all the kitchen stuff to "nest" so we'd have room for it. Problem is, one must "nest" it. While I was laid up? the pots and pans went from 1 lower cabinet to 3 because we can't seem to nest them. Of course, this meant that things that had lived in the other 2 cabinets had to move out, so they were moved to the table and along the wall on the floor... I never said a word.
    And I don't like "surprises" of sharp knives in a drawer that I'm not expecting them in, so the knives are all in one drawer, silverware in another, and other utensils in another.
    A - I only use about 5 of the knives in that drawer. EVer.
    B - I threw the rest away (they came with the house).
    C - husband dug them all out and put them back.
    D - Only having 1 drawer for kitchen gadgets makes you only buy things you use.
    Except husband loves gadgets and buys all kinds of ****, then when it doesn't fit in the utensil drawer, he starts shoving it in the other 2 drawers. And I hate reaching into a drawer with 40 knives in it to fish around and find a corn on the cob holder or some ****. lol But again, I don't say a word about that stuff. But seriously....just how much am I expected to bite my tongue? Cause some of this he DOES know...
    He told someone once he wants our camper to be like his mom's - have everything he might want right there. She might have everything she might want in her camper, but she ends up buying 4 more of whatever she's looking for cause she can't find anything...she could feed 4 people for a week in her camper without washing silverware....but she'd have to go thru 4 drawers, at least, to find it all.
    i dont' think so, Tim....
  15. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK... What's a hoosier cabinet???

    We have - 1 set of 2 on each side of the sink (above). 1 set of 2 on the left of the sink (below). I set of 4 skinny drawers on the right of the sink (below) and 2 normal ones above the lower left cabinets.

    One cabinet - one door - one drawer - lower left of stove, single cabinet above. Double short ones above the stove. That's it.

    So - 1 utensil drawer, 1 knife drawer, 1 gadget drawer. And 4 JUNK drawers that hold almost nothing so they're useless for anything else.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Yup, you get the importance of "nesting bowls". lol

    A hoosier in the day, before kitchens had cabinets and counters, (think 1920's and before) they had these things called hoosier cabinets. They are a freestanding kitchen cabinet unit. Most have a built in flour bin, and a bread box. Basically everything in your kitchen at that time fit into this thing, plus it was your work surface. It had a porcelain top that pulled out to give you a fairly large work surface.
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

  18. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Holy smokes! That's a hoosier cabinet? I want one!!!
  19. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I want one too!!!! OMG!

    Shari between you and Star.................I've decided my husband is only a very mild hoarder. :rofl:

    Although husband and I have an agreement. The MINE. If I don't want something there bad enough, it's OUT. I don't pull that card often.......but I do when necessary. I think all those can cozies....omg would be necessary!

    This old victorian has a lot of cabinets and a pantry. Thank god. Lived most of my married life with very little room in kitchens. My kitchen is enormous. No joke. lol I do the knives in one drawer, silverware in another, cooking utensils in another, hot pads in one, dish cloths and towels in another, appliance manuals in another, and freezer bags, foil and the like in another.....and then there is a junk drawer. Still I do nesting with pots pans ect. lol This does not count the hutch.......because it's currently housing easy child's china.

    Those things have been in those places for 7 almost 8 when Nichole comes in on easter and asks me where my knives are I'm like Are You Serious? lol

    But omg now my dream is to have one of those hoosier cabinets!!! Wonder if I can find one..............
  20. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I had to look it up, too. Bad me, move to the Hooiser State without knowing such things! I think one of my grandmas had something like that, but I never saw them back home.